accommodation skills.

i'm not gonna talk on accommodation as in the lodging punya makna. aku nak menulis pasal how a person yang buat business based on servicing MUST learn how to accommodate the clients. sebab aku dah banyak kali merasakan diri ini sebagai client menjadi mangsa keadaan.

jangan melatah, aku bukan nak menyalahkan mana-mana pihak. sebab aku pun well aware that sometimes customers pun can be very bitchy. kadang rude. macam-macam kes lah kan. but that doesn't mean you yang memang kerja sepatutnya bagi service kat orang ni menyamaratakan semua pelanggan.

as much as you do not want to be generalized sebagai entrepreneur yang tidak beretika, kami pun sama. clients rasa sangat tidak adil bila clients dah behave, sangat berbudi bahasa tapi dilayan macam tahi. we pay you, okay. ha mula dah angin marah-marah lalu mengungkit bahawa periuk nasi kau ditentukan oleh kami; well, part of it.

of course lah rezeki tu Allah yang tentukan but then haruslah datang dengan usaha juga. kau buat service macam tahi, takkan kau expect tuhan nak bermurah hati dan jadikan jutawan? tak kannnnnnn.

so tolonglah punya etika kerja yang bagus. meh nak mulakan kronologi kisah aku ni. beria panjang mencoret berceloteh tapi kalau orang tak tahu pucuk pangkal boleh mati pucuk jugak ye dak eh ehhhh ke situ pulak bahahahaaa.

kisahnya gini. aku pergi renew road tax and insurans on thursday. kalau menurut kata agent, friday dah boleh dapat. fine, happylah aku sebab insurans and road tax due nya today. tetapi, up till now aku masih belum dapat dokumennya, sedangkan payment dah buat. janji nak call bila dokumen dah ada, hampehhhh. semalam aku pun gigih menjenguk pejabat agent, dalam pukul empat cenggitu. katanya nan ado tak  sampai lagi. opis tutup pukul 6. so okaylah, and plus hatiku sedikit sejuk bila dia kata sabtu opis bukak. dia kata akan call bila dah ada.

mak pun malas nak argue. yelaaa orang tu dah buat kerja kan, lagipun bukan jenis aku la nak meroyan-meroyan. i decided to wait until today. by noon, nothing. so aku pun mulalah menjadi cacin kepanasan. i then call the agent, just to get the answer document tak ada lagi. semalam mat despatch tu eksiden, tak dapat nak deliver.

fine. orang ditimpa bala. innalillahhhh. tapi kau keja deal dengan legal document kot. takkan takde orang lain yang boleh hantar? kalau aku, kompem aku turun padang walaupun aku boss. sebab kau business deal dengan dokumen penting, takkan kau expect clients nak faham semata alasan tu?

wtf, man.

dan yang paling menyirap bila aku tanya pukul berapa agak-agak today boleh ambil. aku ada hal after zohor. dia boleh jawab acuh tak acuh entahhhhhh. adoi pantang tok nenek aku kalau kau bagi jawapan entah ni. hello, kau patut make sure la what time. aku client okay, dan keja aku bukan nak hadap menanti menadah tangan menunggu semata. at least bagi la assurance sikit. dan esok pejabat tutup. roadtax aku last today kot.

wtf wtf wtf.

aku rasa aku dah deal dengan cukup behave kot. i didn't curse, i didn't yell. but seriously, aku rasa that agent should apologize for the late, and paling penting call me on friday to let me know that the document is still pending to be delivered. at least, keep me update. i just want an apology. kau kerja bagi service, so haruslah kau make sure clients berpuas hati bukan buat muka toya, suara dan jawapan acuh tak acuh as if aku yang tak penyabar nak tunggu.

memang itu bukan salah kau. despatch accident. but you should take the responsibility to apologize and keep the clients updated. because of you, agent - tak pasai aku kena berulang ampang bangi tahu?

if i know this would happen, dah tentu aku sign dengan agent yang salu aku buat tu. memang kena bayar extra but she delivered it on my door step, by hand. dah jadi macam ni, sama je kos aku berulang.

wtf wtf wtffffff.

konon nak jimat jadi camneh pulak. haihhhh. bukan rezeki gamaknya. next mission: nak dapatkan geran ori from the bank. kalau bukan sebab road tax ni dah confirm i don't have to endure this heart attack.

dasar gedik.

hohoho today aku mahu berperasaan gedik. semalam, aku tidak dapat tidur. tadi, dapat jumpa buah hati, tidur petang aku pun sakan dah macam kayu balak. see, how significant he is now?

tadi cubaan nak tidur before zohor, gagal sebab asal mata nak lelap, batuk pun kunjung tiba sampai sakit-sakit rusuk aku dibuatnya. pernah tak kau batuk sampai pinggang pun macam nak putus? kepala macam nak meletup? rusuk macam patah riuk? ecewahhhh gaya nak ganas je tapi macam tu lah aku rasa tadi.

tambah pulak dengan mual amboi kalau mengandung alahan begini, haruslah aku berfikir panjang sebelum mengandungkan diri eh ehhh hahahaa. tak yakin boleh go through that phase tanpa mengomel dan mengeluh. dah berdosa tak pasal haishhh. tapi itulah pengorbanan nak jadi ibu. soalnya, mampu ke? haaaa jawab jawab jangan tak jawab.

dah tak payah nak cerita pasal mengandung beranak semua la. yang utama kahwin dulu ehem. sebenarnya aku nak cerita, masa gagal nak tidur tu aku saja la surf internet, nak tahu cincin selalunya dipakai di tangan kanan ke kiri. kalau ikut selesa aku haruslah on the left sebab aku selalu akan free kan tangan kanan daripada apa-apa aksesori. plus tangan kiri jari dia kecik sikit bahahahaha nampak tak ada unsur jimat di situ?

dalam aku surf-surf tu, terbukalah satu page yang cerita pasal bertunang mengikut hukum syarak. adoi jahilnya aku sebab tak pernah ambil kisah. yang aku tahu, aku tak teruja sangat pun nak majlis bertunang beria segala ni. simpler is better. tak perlu mak nenek segala junjung adat ni kan membazir tu. lepas tu barulah aku tahu, antara kaedah bertunang adalah yang lelaki tanya pada yang perempuan and vice versa, ajak kahwin la pendek cerita; ha tu dah kira bertunang la.

bahahaha terus aku perasan gedik mak jemaahhh tersengih-sengih pikir, macam tu dah almost lapan tahun la aku bertunang? aku ni tunang orang la? omg aku ada tunnaannnggg hahaha dasar gedik kau nyahhhhhh.

sampai malam ni, aku terseronok sendiri sebab perasan sudah ada tunangan. meh lempang diri sendiri laju-laju bahahahaaaaa. okaylah uolssss, mak nak menidurkan diri. esok nak dating ngan tunang haruslah muka berseri-seri hahahahhahahahaaaaaa i can't imagine myself saying those words again and again.

tunangku. heshhh kau biar betul nokkkkk.

bagi menambahkan loya tekak semua (bajet ramai readers), nah aku bagi gambar gedik:

abate.

abate: to become less strong.

that's how i feel now. i'm down with coughing and vomiting. i've been vomiting since last night. but thank god, i feel much better now. less nauseated. it becomes worse since i cough pretty bad so macam dijolok-jolok tekak ni. perut pun bergelojak bergelora lain macam.

ditambah dengan tak ada selera makan, which means aku tak makan sangat; hidup bergantung pada biskut lemak sekeping dua - memburukkan keadaan. aku muntah air semata haishhh so helpless.

since last night was a sleepless night - the longest night buat aku, i decided nak cuti today and bergolek mengikut keperluan. dan aku rasa bp aku naik ni. pertama kerana aku pun tak sihat, kedua sebab risaukan kekasih yang pergi check up today. sejak dia kena bp tinggi ni aku sungguh bersedih hati sebenarnya. menjadi-jadi rasa takut kehilangan sebab papa passed away pun sebab kena stroke, gara-gara bp tinggi sangat huhuhuhu.

hope everything is fine with him. lindungilah dia, ya Allah. haihh sedihnya makkk nokkk.

brrrrrrrr.

bila tak sihat ni banyak pulak gangguan perasaan. 

mentang-mentanglah duduk seorang haihhhhhh.

kadang sedikit terasa bila orang kata aku mengada-ngada, dah tahu sakit tak mahu makan. tapi dah nama pun sakit kan, manalah nak ada selera. lepas tu pulak duduk seorang, badan tak larat, nak berjalan pun menggigil-gigil. kalaulah orang faham bahawa aku ni tak sehat, betul-betul tak larat bukan sengaja mengada tak mahu makan. 

sampai satu tahap aku mengharap ada orang jaga aku time aku sakit. hantar makanan depan pintu. macam dalam drama baahahahaa fine tu gedik heh. doktor kata aku kena jangkitan paru-paru; terus macam terdiam fikir dari mana datang. aku ingatkan aku demam sebab aku stress dan penat. aku kalau penat sangat memang demam sejak dua menjak menua sikit ni huhuhuhu antibodi lembik nak makan supplement duit lagi hadoyaiii.

bulan ni poket berlubang sakan sebab kena renew roadtax n insuran. inilah bahana pakai kenderaan wehhhh. dulu papa ingatkan dah, tapi aku ingat papa jeles nanti aku tak tumpang naik motor dia dah keh3 tapi betollah apa dia cakap. bulan-bulan mungkin aku mampu bayar, tapi maintenance tu boleh ke? dah kena batang hidung sendiri baru padan muka.

haih apahal aku macam nak menangis pun ada ni. dasar lembik. sayu hati bila perut berkeroncong tapi selera tak ada kalau ada selera pun makanan tak ada. nak masak dah satu hal pulak. 

tak ada ke insan nak buat surprise muncul bawak aku pergi makan, ha? teringat zaman belajar dulu ada mamat nak mengorat tahu je aku demam terus sampai depan rumah bawak nasik dan sup tapi aku tak makan pun bahahahaaaa. gila kau entah kot ada jampi ke boifren aku nak letak mana pulak hihihi.

boifren i memang baik. tapi dia macam anak dara sikit. balik lambat tak boleh. merayap lama-lama tak boleh. keluar malam tak boleh. mengalahkan aku pulak heh. tuh yang leceh bila duduk sama family. tapi siapa kata duduk sorang macam aku seronok?

pun tak seronok. bila sakit tergodang menangis sorang-sorang kesedihan. syahdu emosi macam tahi. lapar lapar lapar haihhhhh. seronok tak kalau ada suami?

terbayang macam dalam drama. bila sakit, suami masakkan bubur dan suapkan. ecewaaaah. entah reti ke tidak laki aku masak bubur hahahahaaa. nak tahu kenalah kahwin dulu kan. haihhhh masoklohhhh sungguh la weeehhh.

talking about experience.

usia tak menjamin apa-apa.

yang penting, mahu belajar.

degree, it's just a piece of paper.

in class, you're not only teaching but educating.
they learn not only what is taught, but what they see and hear and experience.

nevertheless, most of the time, the students taught you more.

so janganlah perasan besar dan berlagak sangat.

we are all learning until we die.

 "the educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living from the dead" 
- aristotle

ha pilih.
nak jadi yang educated ke nak jadi corpse?

 *ihsan google

gambar tak ada kaitan apa pun. just suka tengok shoulder je.
i'm sooo into shoulders.

gila, kan?

is it wrong to be different?

saja mencuci mata.

i like rings which the designs are not common.

what about you?

terasa seperti dicerobohi.

aku sebenarnya tidaklah semesra mana. tambahan lagi, memikirkan mentaliti melayu yang suka berlonggok bersembang menyebar gosip, menjadikan aku semakin anti-sosial. aku kalau balik, tengok muka jiran pun tidak. kalau ada yang berlonggok depan rumah di tingkat bawah, selalunya aku hanya akan pass by tak angkat muka apatah lagi nak menegur. buruk ke perangai begini?

entah. sebab aku fikir aku duduk di sini sebab aku nak dekat dengan tempat kerja. dulu, sewanya okaylah tak mahal sangat. sekarang pun, walaupun dah naik sikit pada aku masih lagi yang termurahlah. dan aku suka rumah aku sangat sebab dia unit tepi. jadi tempat sidai kain memang best dan cahaya banyak masuk. plus, rumah sebelah tak ada orang, unit atas pun kosong jadi lagilah aku suka bahaahahaha.

dulu, masa mula-mula pindah, rumah depan my house kosong. memang aman dulu. rumah banyak yang tak berpenghuni. makanya, sunyi sepi dan bersih. sekarang, haih sedih. dan paling aku tak gemar, rumah depan aku adalah orang satu tempat kerja. gila tak ada privacy. tak suka sangat huhuh.

haih aku dah ada rasa nak pindah. tapi bila aku survey tengok harga memang tak mampu nak duduk seorang, tanggung seorang. terasa macam nak pindah jauh pun ada. bencilah ada perasaan macam ni.

haihhhhh. gedikkah aku wehhh?

i'm talking about you. yes, you.

grade dah keluar, upset ke aku? mula-mula macam ya. tapi incik kekasih mengingatkan bahawa ada yang lebih tak bernasib baik daripada aku, maka aku harus bersyukur. jadinya aku drop saja perasaan sedih tuh. cuma frust dan sakit hati pada orang berkenaan masih lagi bersisa bersaki baki. tapi jangan bimbang, aku ni terkenal dengan perangai mudah melupakan dan memaafkan ecewaaah instinct perasan kembali lagi hihihi.

it has been a very pack week for me. one after another. sebenarnya, aku patut salahkan diri sendiri sebab dah bertahun hidup time management masih sucks lagi hohohooho baaadddd kitttyyyyy hihihi. but alhamdulillah, hari jumaat aku penuh kegembiraan. hatiku senang so i treat myself tonight dengan bermalasan (alasan padahal hari-hari malas hahaha). esok haruslah kena pulun kerja semula. 

banyak benda in due ni. sebab hari ahad ini aku declare hari aku malas berfikir (alasan lagi ahahahaa). berfikir membuatkan aku menjadi sangat lapar, tapi ajaibnya khamis aritu puasa ku penuh walaupun struggling buat proposal. eh struggling keww? macam sempat lagi makan chocolate la pergi merayap nilai la main internet la bla bla bla. and sepatutnya siapkan one part lagi, bajet nak bangun at 5 tapi terbabas heh terus terkocoh-kocoh make do apa yang ada je nasib baik SV sangat baik dan best.

aku suka SV aku. sebab dia macam membentangkan impian dan cita-cita, all the plans i can choose to make and be. macam satu dunia baru sebab all this while no one ever told me all the options i have. seronok, tahu?

tapi tak boleh terenjat teruja sangat. selagi kerja tak siap jangan berangan lebih heh. friday was good, saturday was tired but happy, sunday was stressful but it was ended with love and more love bahahaha jiwanggg.

hopefully tomorrow and the days after will be better for all.

i'm not fun, anymore.

lately tak ada rasa nak buat post santai-santai kelakar cakap merapu. semua gara-gara stress. baru ingat nak bercuti berehat-rehat seminggu ni tapi dah kena rushing buat proposal pula. haishhh.

kan best kalau boleh upah orang buatkan. all i have to do is give the idea. and pay that someone. huuuuuu.

hellloooooo there.

i've been on hiatus for a week and more i guess. i mean, from the gym. i was so busy with final exam, although it was just a paper but still, it means my life yaa knawwww hihihi. so today i'm back. i had so much fun i feel so alive now - despite the nausea. yeah, at first i would have a terrible migraine each time i finished. now since i'm used to working out (i think), it subsides and replaced by nausea. heh.

but that doesn't stop me. i challenged myself to run for five minutes and i did it! hooorayyyy! satu pencapaian yang membanggakan buat si montok yang baru jalan kejap dah mengah tercungap-cungap, hokayyy. clap clap clappppp. i feel so excited heh terlebih gula ke apa ni bahahahaa.

on the other hand, i am still sad to know he doesn't read my writings here. i don't know. i'm supposed to be happy as no one would know what exactly i'm rambling about but that's the point - i just miss him reading it hihihi stupid ho? i just wish i could have someone i can talk to about anything. i know this is a great place to do so; but being a human i wish to have interactions. not just one sided - no response. is this pathetic to you?

whatever.

i have so many things to do, and i'm so fired up. i guess i'm always so semangat but nanti turun naik turun naik semangat aku ikut mood. so gedixxxxx. today, i had my dinner with my ex students. i taught them when they were fresh, they were in semester one - and i was new as well. new to the place, i mean.

and sometimes, i surprised my self listening to how mature i've become. we talked about relationships, what it means to us, what kind of ideal men we're looking for. we're that close, you know. i love hanging out and be stupid with them bahahaha. one of them said, she's looking for a rich guy. 

i laughed, and they asked me why. they planned to find a man when they work - which means by that most of the men are taken - trust me. in my workplace, you are blessed if you can find a single man, and double blessed if you can find a single man to be interested in you. all are taken up. so i asked them back - how can you possibly find a rich guy who are young, and single?

the answer is almost impossible. unless they are born in a golden cage - if you get what i mean. even so, most likely that they will appreciate you more is so hard to happen. because you contribute nothing to their wealth. you are there just to finish it off. that's how they see you. most of the time, that's how it works.

they were upset but agreeing to some point. and one asked, 'so how miss? i don't want to live susah-susah'. 

nothing is easy. as much as you don't want to hidup susah, so is anyone else. aku pun dah muak hidup susah. sebab tu aim aku nak ada financial freedom. aku nak berkemampuan berbelanja seribu seminggu, dan masih ada balance dalam akaun bank. i want to spend without worrying how much is left in the account. it's so tiring to be constantly worried. people have no idea how i wish not to worry - they said i should chill out a bit. but how can i keep calm when everything i do needs money? living means money. i pay everything myself. can you imagine how much is that? 

but that doesn't mean i should count on other people. i can't rely on someone else. that's just not me. i told them, find your guy - work on the wealth together. so what if he's not rich? support him to work hard and be rich together.

my advice: find a guy yang rajin berusaha dan sayangkan kau adalah lebih baik daripada kau cari lelaki kaya. lelaki yang bermaruah dan sayangkan kau - pasti akan berusaha kuat untuk menyenangkan hidup bersama.

find a man with big dreams. and big effort. jangan hanya angan-angan mak jenin. dan mesti yang ada semangat. mesti bersemangat macam aku bahahahahhaa. aku sangat bersemangat, okay. dulu bf aku pernah gelar aku 'kakak semangat' hahahaa seeee everyone knows aku camtu.

i find it problematic bila ada partner yang tak sesemangat aku. seriously, it's an issue. especially bila kau rasa dia dah giving up. bila kau yang dia kenal sangat pasti apa dia nak, and very well determined to go for what he wants - one day bila he is no longer the same kau tertanya-tanya what have you not done to make him bersemangat macam dulu?

i keep on asking myself, if it's my fault too. i notice that people change after they have gone through bad moments in their life. well, aku pun sama. too many cuts and bruises, i tell you. scars, deep, healed, semua ada. ada yang dah sealed but then tore open back tapi apa boleh buat? that's life. but some people they bounce back and pass by it with pride. to some who are unfortunate, they are just carried away.

so which one are you? i know i'm the bouncy type. cuma kadang-kadang aku jadi letih berseorangan bersemangat tentang kehidupan, tentang mencapai angan-angan dan impian. haih this is supposed to be a happy entry, how happy i am to be able to run for five minutes, but it ends up to sound so sad and pathetic.

i think i have an unresolved issue within me. and i don't even know how to fix it as i always do. Allah, berikan aku kesabaran setinggi gunung, jiwa dan hati yang kental. permudahkanlah urusanku sepertimana telah Kau permudahkan selama ini.

ya Allah, adakah aku terlalu meminta-minta?

a concoction.

i am supposed to read more on academic stuff, but here i am browsing through personal writings - on weddings, pregnancy, travelling and such. 

how i wish to have them all. but we all know it would be ridiculous to do everything at the same time. wedding, pregnancy, travelling need money. and by reading academic materials i could own more money to support my desire.

sometimes, i have this kind of feeling that if only i didn't decide to settle down too soon, i might be able to enjoy what my other acquaintances have done. at this age, they have travelled at least to a country they love. but truthfully, it's not the matter of me settling down early. love has nothing to do with it. it was me. i begin to love travelling more than just within malaysia, a bit later than them, i supposed. i long to visit the world - but have never particularly chosen a country to begin with.

people said that small steps lead to bigger ones. now i'm full of regret that in my younger days, i never dreamt big.  i was easily satisfied. as my world gets bigger, i meet more people and i hear more stories of lives. and i start to want more. i listen enviously, hoping that i was in their shoes.

when looking at their photos, i feel so happy for them yet at the same time i pity myself for not being able to do so many things. it is me to blame, not love. even if i'm single and not available now, i have no friends at all. i would definitely going places alone, and taking pictures of stuff but not my self.

how pitiful is that? is being choosy is pathetic?

i don't know how to keep friends beside me. i get easily annoyed, and sometimes i feel like ladies talks are boring. and ladies are super sensitive. i am a lady, and of course i am sensitive too so i guess putting sensitive ladies in a room will make a situation becomes ugly.

as the title proposed, this entry is a mixture of every feelings i have. i'm not able to identify how exactly i feel now. a friend came and stayed over the weekend, and i'm back alone now - it's so depressing. so i realize having someone helps to keep my sanity.

i'm praying hard that the day will come sooner than i realize; but then i stop when i think if i wish time flies fast, that means my research is also involved. since i'm not looking forward for it at this hour, haih life is so confusing.

i don't even know what i really want at this moment of writing. maybe i should begin with sorting out my priority, making a to-do list, and accomplishing it accordingly.

but that can wait for tomorrow. tonight, i just want to pamper myself and give in to my sombreness. ohhh i'm so succumbed with my self-centered issue again. hehhh what a sheeet lahhh.

one thing for sure, it's not love that holds me back. i hold myself for so long - i should have dream more and bigger. and let's begin with this: i wanna get married. finish my MA. travel around the world. and then we'll be having a little family to be called as our own.

how's that? and what's yours?

how to save your hair in hot season.

i decided to chop off my hair short after i couldn't handle the heat anymore. however, today as it grows back but still not long enough to be tied up -  i got almost crazy because it is just so hot to handle. but i've sworn not to cut it short again. so how did i save my hair?

i style it as pretty as i can.

i look in the mirror and feel good about it.

i then imagine, how better it is if it's longer.

and i keep the image in my mind.

it saves my hair.

for like few hours.

heh definitely need to find a new way that realllllllyyyy works.

back to the future?

i always wonder with the phrase. back to the future. if you're going to the future, why going back? you follow me?

english is weird, kan? apa yang kita tengok, tak sama dengan bunyinya. lain rupa lain bunyi. undang-undang pelbagai. lama-lama fikir, aku terasa seperti ada persamaan antara manusia dan bahasa inggeris.

aku belajar satu perkara lagi, assumptions kill. selalunya kita kata curiosity kills the cat. assumptions kill humans.

patutlah dalam islam sudah diajar agar bersangka baik sesama kita. haaa indahnya agamu ku hihihii.

haisshhhh bloody hormones.

i don't write for readers.

i don't seek for one.

but when i read my old entries;

why do i feel a pang of sadness?

losing my readers.

funny, eh?

i'm sad. 

but i find this picture funny.

as if it was me hihihi.

only when that moody moment strikes.

and how cute is this?

denngggg. 

i should appear more sad.

i am.

but i feel like smiling at the pictures above.

what's wrong with my bloody hormones?

i just can't resist myself.

hewhewhewwww. entri ini akan menjadi entri menjilat ludah sendiri kot. baru beberapa hari lepas, aku berazam konon mahu lebih berbahasa inggeris, tapi kalau dah lidah melayu makan belacan tuh, toksah menipulah. memang nak juga guna bahasa ibunda ahakkkkks.

dua tiga hari lepas, aku telah mencari pasal sama yang tersayang. aku sebenarnya geram. dan bila aku geram, aku jadi gila. tambah pula dengan letih dan stress marah dengan orang lain adoyai memang berganda bala aku bawa bahahahaa.

isunya mudah. patutnya merajuk, pujuk. so sapa merajuk, dia pujuklah. tapi aku kan ego dan rasa aku betol jadi aku tak pujuk dan simpan marah dalam hati sampai habis exam yang susah nak mampus macam tak belajar satu hapa bahahahaa padan muka selalu marahkan students je jawab tah pape.

berhari-hari makan hati, menangis bawah air ala-ala drama heh buat penat je. kalau dari awal bersemuka dan bincang elok-elok kan senang nyahhh. akulah jugak yang feeling drama lebih bahahahaa. btw, since tuan punya badan tak baca omelan aku hari ini, bolehlah tulis jujur sikit hihihi.

jadi point dia, tak suka - bincang. suka - lagilah kena bincang supaya boleh buat lagi yang disukai tu hik hik hik dasar gedis. haih kadang aku terfikir, kenapalah at this age aku tak boleh berperangai sepertinya umur aku. aku tengok kawan-kawan semua dah macam mak-mak. aku? bertuah kalau ada yang panggil aku makcik.

tapi kalau nak kena cak lempong cubalah panggil aku makcik. hahahahahaa ada unsur denial tu. dah ada fine lines, dekat laugh lines hoyoyoyoyo. tapi takpe, i'll embrace my age, my aging process. 

kalaulah aku boleh putar masa seperti kita putar abang halimmmmm! eh eh kan best. pasti ada pelbagai perkara yang akan aku fikir panjang sebelum buat.

but then, if only la kan.

disfigured.

sometimes i stalk because i'm curious. i just want to know, what happens to those i've known in my life?

most of them turn to be well, living well. seems like they enjoy living as well. but what i couldn't comprehend is that, what turns someone to become so different?

when you are a muslim, yet you don't dress like one. boobs are spilling out. fingernails are colourful. and i can almost see your butt. and you look so mature than i am. and those with hijabs, where have they been, now?

what happens to all of you? maybe it's me who is stuck in here. stuck, yet not a good muslim.

so who is worst?

how do i know?

many people asked me, how do i know he's the one? i truly have no definite answer. i just know. i click with him even though not so instant, but after some time i got comfortable being together. it feels like a missing piece of yourself has been found. ecewaaah.

but then of course we're just like other couples who had times when we misunderstood each other and we argued over matters. especially when we're not on the same side duhh obviously, huh?

and each time i feel annoyed or disturbed or uncertain, i pray that if he's not the one, please make the love i have for him to disappear. but then, each time i pray as such, things work fine again. and then i fall again for him. i'm not sure if that's the answer i'm looking for or what, but it definitely makes me feel better and sure with 'us'. just now, when we were in a store looking at shoes and sports apparels, i looked at him from afar and i smiled and i felt happy suddenly. weirdo, i know. a sense of belonging, the urge to spend my life with him was so strong. it's weird how you can love another human, a stranger that much hurmmm.

i told a lady once, when she asked me how would she know if the man can take care of her - believe in Allah. trust Him, don't trust humans. people change, but He never does. so i trust Him. i'm not pious, and i know that i'm bad - sometimes i pray harder when i'm in trouble but i never lose faith. i believe Him wholeheartedly.

but well, i'm just a human. i get confused, and i get upset. but that doesn't mean i want to give up. sometimes i just need the reassurance - i'm typical, i know. i want to feel wanted. each time i feel like i'm not desired anymore, i panic. and i become insecure heh.

i'm so scared of rejection. what about you?

another year older.

what have i achieved so far? hurrrmmm. i own a car, a stable job, a stable income but not so stable expenditure bahahaha. i have fine lines, near my nose and mouth; i guess that's because i talk so much or it's just about time.

should i be talking about if i've matured more than before? it's hard to say because one may not see the way i see it. do i have regrets in life? as much as you do, i bet. i regret for things i did and i did not. being a year older, i know i'm not supposed to be sad when people don't remember it, but i just am so whatever.

well, another year. i was born today few years back horaaayyy. to those who appreciate my existance would definitely cheer for it. rejoicing it. but those who aren't, i know they are just too busy. we have lives to keep, haven't we?

i've changed my blog header. i think it's no longer about vengeance or being vulgar. i'm just being myself but if you can't handle it, keep yourself away then. it's that simple. i'm not asking for more, just that years to come would be more meaningful and i'm blessed always.

i know i couldn't ask for more. who am i kidding? i'm just nobody. i think i should keep a cat to be my friend. yeah, at this age, i suck big time in keeping friends. i'm problematic. i'm demanding. i highly expect on others. haih. i just wanna write without being judge. but who am i to say that? i judge too.

so, basically that's it. another year older. when i was small, i dreamed big. i dreamed to be a doctor at this age, and i'm married this year. but i guess i have to pass those on. another year older, i have my career but i have no friends and i'm lonely.

so that's all.

oh yeah, i promise to use english more. read more. write academically more. up up here we go! wish me luck, all.

there, it's gone.

bagai direnggut jantung anak pejuang, disiat. 

namun tak mati. 

sayup-sayup nampak si peragut. 

terasa mahu ditabrak biar tertonggeng.

kerja nak submit pukul lima petang ini.

tetiba kau minta aku tambah yang kau sepatutnya buat, sekarang.

SEKARANG.

tengoklah jam berapa sekarang.

petang exam.

aku nak study.

kau, lain kali kalau nak terjun gaung - please.

jangan tarik aku.

salah aku juga tak faham cara orang bekerja.

dan orang tak faham cara aku kerja.

i'm just fit to do it alone.

taking a few minutes break.

these few days, the weather is extremely hot, and it's not helpful at all in completing my assignments. by the way, this is just a short update of my current progress. i'm almost done, still have like two pages more to write huhuhu.

i notice that when i use my brain to the max, i get sweaty pretty much and plus, the weather is terribly hot nowadays. and yeah, when i use my brain so much, i'll end up gobbling everything that is edible on my desk. and i drink a lot too hence resulting a lot of toilet trips.

but then i'm a happy lady despite the urgency to pee - i was super scared when my left abdomen was in pain. it's a sign of your dehydrated kidney, people. i drank quite little lately so that explains. be alert of what' going on in your body; feel them, realize them early.

sometimes it's good to be paranoid.

i love my ipong teeeehhhee.

i've added another item into my love-hate relationship circle - my ipong. even though it's not new and 'cause of it i burned a hole in my pocket, i love it so much. and despite it keeps me awake until wee hours and craving for more games - i just love it. okay fine you get what i mean, i'm so in love with my ipong no need to repeat heh? bahaha.

another new interesting element that i bet would keep me awake like forever hesssh, is i've just downloaded books of quotes from well known people.

i just got the chance to browse into one (i'm busy remember? hihi), so let's share it here. one of my favourites:

"Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy". (Aristotle)

so peeps, lets not be angry instead because we always hate things that are difficult and lets be a happier person. cheersss.

okay, lets start working back.

yesterday i went bananas, today i am a banana nananananaaaaa.

yesterday i almost killed myself, but today i feel much better. thank god oh yeahhhhh.

it is not fun to have two assignments on due and one final paper this coming monday while i am supposed to rejoice the semester break as all my students are away. it's not fun at all. plus, many movies are released time aku busy ni la kau nak keluar semuaaaa dasar dengki betul.

i want to reward myself to watch madagascar after 15 june. before that, haruslah aku mengenakan perintah berkurung berpasung kaki terhadap diri sendiri *tipuuuu* hahahhaaa. i'm working on my write up but now my self is distracted by bunyi enjin kancil kat bawah. boleh-boleh campak lombong dah kalau bunyi enjin macam mesin lombong bijih haissshhhh.

aku sangat sibuk sampaikan kejap lagi nak pergi tesco borong seluar dalam bahahhaa nampak tak apa kaitan? tak, tak, tak. bukan aku tak basuh seluar dalam mak nenek tu semua, tapi dah banyak yang berlobang sana sini dan takde masa nak jahit bahahaha daif makkk nokkkk sepentot pun nak berjahit-jahit bahahaaaa.

sungguh tak ada masa kerana kehidupan bujang hidup seorang di rumah sewa dipenuhi dengan tidur dan main game sebelum tidur dan bangun tidur hahaha nampak tak pattern mencari kegagalan di situ? kalau tak tidur dan main game, mesti main internet hish puaka internet ni *padahal diri yang mempunyai nafsu puaka pemalas *.

tapi hari ini semangat aku membara. selepas beberapa siri menjerit di bawah pancuran air *ecewahhh drama mak nokkk*, hari ini aku tenang dan bersemangat kembali. lagipun semalam semangat lukis rajah mak nenek konon organising thoughts la kennnn.

aku memang macam tu. kalau terlalu serabut, pensel dan kertas memang ubat paling mujarab. coret coret coret - sampai nampak jalan. kalau tak nampak jugak pergilah meroyan mana-mana kejap lepas tu coret coret coret balik. 

but it only works with ideas. pasal perasaan, menulis pun satu terapi buat aku. but more on the blog. pakai pensel dan kertas tak feel. lembab. nak menangis pun tak feel bahahaha dasar cengeng.

okay mesin lombong bijih dah berhenti beroperasi. let's work my ass off sampai kurus. heh. nanti nak ajar anak, jangan dah nak terberak baru nak gali lobang. buatnya tanah keras banyak batu dah terberak dalam seluar.

another way of saying it, never ever do things the very last minute. diri sendiri dah tak telap diajar, so kena ajar anak pulak bahahahhaa bye.

t-rex.

i wonder if people realize that i'm really seriously stressful over the limit like nobody's business.

 or they thought i was just joking when i said it.

do i look like a clown, people?

why o why i dive in this sheeeettttt.

haishh.

people said the fruit of patience is sweet.

all that i can taste now is bitter and sour.

still waiting for the sweet part.

hope it's worth it.

emosi macam tsunami.

kejap happy kejap sedih kejap cakap merapu.
serious hampir gila ni.

jika bukan kerana aku mahukan kereta dan rumah dan kehidupan yang lebih selesa daripada sekarang, sudah terasa seperti mahu berhenti dan berpuas hati dengan apa yang telah aku miliki setakat ini.

ya Allah, aku mohon kekuatan, semangat yang kental dan hati yang tetap tidak berbolak balik. permudahkan urusanku, ya Allah; sepertimana telah kau permudahkan aku sebelum ini.

Allahuakbar. chayok chayokkkkk.

do i really wanna be younger?

i have a friend. i met her when i first entered my DA class. she was quiet. she didn't talk much. and she looked weirdly at me as if screening my face when i asked if there was anyone sitting next to her. when she said no, i sat down and smiled sheepishly because i was late, and she smiled back. we didn't talk much, even when i asked her to join our group she was a bit hesitant and later she decided to do it with others.

few weeks later, many started to drop off the subject, her group mates were included so she was left alone. she requested if she could join us, so we welcomed her - just to learn that she would be gone for two weeks to perform umrah. but it wasn't a problem because coincidentally our topics were not due when she wasn't around. 

we had fun doing the works together. she did all the slides, we would meet up and discuss. i owe her so much for being so understanding with us as she is a full time student and we aren't. there was a day we had lunch together and i felt like i want to keep her as a friend. i'm a bit choosy when selecting whom i want to have as friends but i like her because she's different. she's so different than i am, but i can relate to her so it's weird.

i feel weird yet honoured at the same time because she invited me to join her friends for a backpacking trip to Japan. the gesture and the thought are overwhelming for someone like me who doesn't really know how to befriend people bahaha talking about being choosy it's actually me having issues with people heh.

and to know that a colleague of mine is willing not to invite others so that i would come and bring my sweetheart together, so that we would be comfortable, so that people don't judge me as i've always been at my workplace - i just can't stop loving these people.

if people ask me if i wish to be younger, i would say yes because i could do so many things like saving more money and travel around the world - something i wish to do long time ago. and if i can turn back time, there are things i want to change especially myself and how i long to say to papa i love him so much despite all the arguments but i know i can't. i can never have the time back. and i can never be younger.

but i don't feel bad for myself. even though i can't join her to Japan, next year i'm going to get married so that's good for me. that's even better. i can't wait for it. i can't breath properly each time i think about how at last our waiting will be over, i'm just super excited. i lost papa, my best friend but Allah gives me another, my soul mate. and i appreciate mama even more - even sometimes i behaved like i don't but i'm no longer hesitant to text her apologizing and telling her i love her. 

i can't wait to be your wife. even though i'm bad at keeping the house clean and tidy. sorrryyyy. but i love you so much hope it helps bahahahhaa.

i don't get to go to japan, but i get a husband. i think that's fair enough. the best deal ever. so no, i don't want to be younger. being younger means i wouldn't get to know great people i have in my life now. being younger means i'm not that wise.

being younger means my mom wouldn't allow me to get married. so again, no i don't want to be younger because i'm so gatai to kawennn hahahaaa.

can't wait.

for the mood to come.
for the assignments to be submitted.
for this semester to end.

i've a big project after 15 june.
can't wait for it.

so excited.


p/s: i'm so pissed off. hello, aku pun kerja jugak, okay?? should i remind you that aku ketua jabatan? busy kot haisssshhh.

review on snow white and the huntsman - from my pov.

i'm supposed to do a write up on analyzing hybrid genre of dentistry pamphlets, but i'm so not in the mood haih. ni ke pelajar konon nak cemerlang nak convert ni?? grrrrrr.

back to what i want to say regarding the movie - i think it didn't win my heart. the title should just be snow white; the huntsman - you have no idea what the title has to do with him. yes, he was there so was everyone else. the plot wasn't what we expected and the biggest disappointment, if i may say. it could be more organized; too many missing pieces you would lose interest halfway of the story. despite the long hours, too little input. we were confused and at the end of it, we declared that it was a total disappointment.

in my humble opinion, the casting should be done properly - kristen stewart MUST improve her facial expression, like seriously. i'm not influenced by 9gag but she really has the same set of expressions, let it be sad happy anxious or whatever. and to me, snow white has to be someone else; she just couldn't play the role - it's too depressing to see her static expression urghhhh siapalah yang pilih dia jadik pelakon niii.

and chris hemsworth, what can i say. his Thor image is pasted on him so i couldn't feel his acting as the huntsman. the hair, and the axe he's holding - definitely make you recall him in Thor and The Avengers instead.

for the plot, i think they should learn from Mirror Mirror, another movie of snow white. it was entertaining, and the plot was simple and some may say cliche but it worked well - you understood the whole story easily, little elements of suspense and excitement and fun.

i know some may even say that the movie was trying to be different - i get it, but please organized it well. you have the points but they were scattered throughout the story. towards the end, i didn't know what made ravenna hated men so much, i didn't know how suddenly snow white got the strength and ability to fight, i didn't know why it was thor eh the huntsman who got to wake her up. you have no idea of what's actually going on. all that you know: the stepmother is evil and snow white is fighting her to get the throne back. plus, it was not logic at all. the journey to the duke hammond's castle from the castle took longer time than the duke hammond's to the castle (forgive me for repeating the word castle like so many hell times).  hehhhh i know lah it's fiction myth folk tale whatever but then don't fool us too obvious like dat.

at least it was me who was clueless. maybe i'm not smart enough to break the codes they hid in it. my final say, i would only give two stars for this movie. one for their effort in making it even though some of the scenes were cut off some sort of abruptly - but i'm not sure it's the movie or FINAS whatever, another star is for Charlize Theron for pulling off the character so well and for being pretty as well bahahaha so biased.

but still, she's the only reason if i want to watch it again. the rest, blurghhhh not into them at all.

serumpun.

Walaupun aku 100% warganegara malaysia, my name displays differently. No wonder the first time i was introduced to his family, they were all questioning my origin and interrogating my background bahahaa. What were my parents thinking when they named me? Whatever it is, i still strongly feel that my name is the most awesome nyeh3 do u smell the confidence here? p/s: blogging from ipong can actually be the pain in the ass.

kerdilnya aku.

memikirkan dosa yang aku ada, tidak terhitung banyaknya.
malunya aku jika dipanggil mengadap Allah sekarang.

bila mahu berubah, wahai diri?

kekang nafsu.
kawal hati.

mulakan dengan langkah kecil.
biar yang kecil jadi seribu.

lantas jadi gunung.

demi Allah, aku mahu menghalalkan yang haram.
biar yang halal itu menjadikan aku hamba yang lebih baik, jika tidak sempurna.

permudahkan urusanku, Ya Allah.
aku mahu jadi solehah.

sebab aku sayang papa.

let's call it a day.

the day had begun quite late. i slept at four, so that 's pretty reasonable. i got ready, had my breakfast with two pieces of toast and kaya spread, and a glass of orange juice. that's healthy, if i would say.

arrived at the office, started to key in marks, and signed documents after checking them up. had a discussion with my partner for the assignment while busy shuffling between papers, exam results and reports to verify. my stomach cried to be fed, but ignored the call until everything was settled. went to the main office just to find out it was close. looked at the watch and it hit me that it was half of lunch time. 

headed to the pantry, thought of having a cup of warm vico, favourite drink recently after i called a quit on caffeine. went in, just to discover the playing god act was going on but wished to stay, 'cause i really wanted the drink. didn't do much talking, as i'm not into the topic discussed - i just wished i had steered my self away earlier but guess it was too late. so i listened and i was furious. i got irritated with how they judge matters - so i left without my drink. 

by that time i was trembling - i needed sugar so bad and my mood was turned upside down. i know i prayed before i slept that i want to be a happy person, but up till noon it was no avail. i was more annoyed by certain things (i shall not mention here for the sake of my life huhu) but pretended everything was okay, again for the sake of being a happy person hessshh.

waited at the workshop, trembling because i was hungry although i had breakfast. i blame my brain because when i think too much, my energy dries faster than me doing nothing - duhhh stating the obvious, didn't i? had my light lunch, i planned to have ikan pari bakar but it was late by the time we were done so no more. ate mee kari instead with the best thirst quencher - if such word exists; in my living area so far. still fabulous.

headed to watch MIB, so thirsty i wonder since when i become a hippo hessshhh. thinking of buying mineral water, but i was seduced by soda bahahaha blame the soda instead of my self. during that movie, my stomach was cranky. i thought of what made it so upset. and at the same time my head spun. and the couple behind my seat was stupid; kept on kicking my seat wtf. i had issues with seats being shaken - it can make me puke. so yeah, i was forcing myself to bear with the situation because the movie was awesome - i had ninjas merewang potong bawang at the end of it bahahaa.

once the movie was over, i couldn't wait even a second because it was so bad - i tried not to stop because my journey back home was still far and i didn't want to flat myself in the restroom. that's the last thing i want to do. that's why i requested to stop somewhere nearby. my stomach kept on contracting bahaha i felt like giving birth right then what a feeling phewwwwww.

but that didn't stop me from going to pasar malam looking for my food for dinner. i've been craving yong tau foo since saturday so i basically dragged myself to get it. sooo dramatic, isn't it? hihi. despite the pain i still had the determination to hit the gym - i want to sweat like a pig. no no i don't want to be a pig - just the sweat although i've never seen a sweaty pig but that's not the point.

i got ready - after three more trips to the toilet - puking and ciriting bahahahahaa. just to discover my face towels are all not available. soooo ain't no gym tonight boy.

i shall call it a day because now, i'm so exhausted. oh potty, i'm coming to you like NOW. 

NOW. right after i hit the publish button, btw.

i'm heartbroken.

sedih bila students yang aku target boleh score my paper tak score pulak. 

haiyoooo sob sob sob. 

kalau cikgunya sedih, muridnya pasti lagi sedih.

but what to do? 

aku dah pesan, dah beritahu berjuta kali.
haihhh.

grrrrr.

i don't know should i be mad or sad.

heh.

quest.

no matter how hard you try.

it always hurts.

sometimes i wonder.

is it me who has very little patience.

or it's just people in today's world.

“You demand respect and you'll get it. First of all, you give respect.”
― Mary J. Blige

haih.

terkesima.

it's the society to blame, isn't it?

but who's in the society?

it wouldn't happen if no one begins.

tepuk dada tanya selera.

“Tidakkah kalian mendengar? Tidakkah kalian mendengar? Sesungguhnya kesederhanaan itu sebahagian daripada iman!” (HR Abu Daud)

 

people said that hantaran adalah untuk belanja kahwin. justeru harga barang memainkan peranan dalam jumlah hantaran, bukan kelulusan. so tell me, what does your qualification have to do with it? 

i cannot brain this. tapi kalau orang nak bagi aku 30ribu, aku sakau je bahahahaa. boleh buat beli kereta mini antik idaman kalbu hewhewhewhewww.

tercabarnya jiwa dan raga.

sebelum peperiksaan menjelang, aku akan laksanakan beberapa perkara demi pelajar yang disayangi.

1. bagi tips - settled.
2. bagi hints - settled.
3. bagi jawapan secara tersembunyi - settled.
4. bagi chapter mana perlu diulangkaji dari kulit ke kulit - also done.

dengan harapan pelajar boleh jawab dengan cemerlang. tapi ini pula hasilnya:

contraction? tiger words?

mana mai neh dek non oiiiii.

jawapan macam tak pernah belajar satu hapa weeehhh.

study ke tak diorang ni?

hessshhh.

aummmmm meh aku pulak nak jadik tiger auummmmm.

thorns into pieces.

i love roses.

even though the thorns are poisonous.

i love roses.

what about you?