berbaloi-baloi?

i quit my job in 2009 for two reasons. my father had a heart attack and a minor stroke came as an effect of the medicine for his heart - so i took the responsibility to care for him. it wasn't easy because appointments were a lot, and there were times papa refused to do it. it was a challenge, physically and mentally to care for sick parents. for those who are doing it now, you have my utmost respect, seriously. been there, done that. i know how difficult things can get.

plus, i never loved the job anyway. so it was an easy decision, despite of the idea that i wouldn't get money at the end of the month and i own a car to be paid with little saving. very little saving. but i guess when your intention was right, everything fell on the right place for you. at least, for me. furthermore, my sister and i had the exact time of starting the job and hers seems more promising than mine and most people believe it would be easier for me to get a decent job compared to her, so never mind let me let go. 

during that period, i got an offer to teach in the east, which is very far from home. not that i'm not independent, but the idea of leaving my dad was not comforting, so i passed that off. for that, i lost my cousin hewhewehwew. then i had another offer, nearby the house. great, i thought. but the drawbacks were it would only begin in two months and the payment was uncertain. it was a contract basis, and i would only entitle for allowance once i become permanent. and i was in dire need of financial assistance. i put that on hold because i was hoping for a better offer.

and that better offer was made on 13 november 2009, and i was asked to report for duty on 16 november. the drawback - it is 40+km away from home. papa was so sad when i decided to accept the offer, because it meant i would be less home. he wanted me to travel daily, but i was such a weak lady and my schedule did not allow me to do that. one of those days, i finished at 11pm. imagine that long stretch hours. it ate me up plus the toll and fuel were killing me. i assured him that i would be home in weekends, but i guess it was not a good excuse.

brothers and sisters,

it is not easy to juggle between work and family. and for new graduates, it will be tougher in terms of financial. i couldn't afford it to make it every week. when you start working, you will need time to adapt to your financial management. it is not easy especially when you get very excited to know how much you have at the end of the month. it took me almost a year to adjust, finding the right way to actually spend money without sacrificing too much. but by the time i get used to it and am able to spend on parents more, my dad is gone.

he's gone before i get to treat him more than i wish. he's gone before i get the chance to be home more on weekends. he's gone before i can give him more every month. it's sad if i were to think of what i've missed to provide for him as he had done so much for me - but i know i couldn't live with guilt all the time. 

so papa, the promotion i got yesterday is for you. i know if you are here, you'll be proud of me and i know you'll have makan-makan as always. and i know you will rub my back and say, 'i know you can'. and mama, i love you and  now that i have more to give, this is also for you.

it's just a little promotion, but to know that it could bring me somewhere and they see my potential and appreciate what i do for a living - it's priceless. even though it's just a small department. it means big in my heart. thank you. thank you. thank you.

now i'm shivering thinking of all the responsibilities. hewhewhewhew.

i'm still looking.

can someone tell me a name, at least. just a name of a politician that really cares for the rakyat; that only thinks of the people's interest, not his? that when he gives a talk, he's not labeling others, he is polite and well-mannered, he cares not only the interest but also how the audience with different background would feel when listening. who is not shouting and badmouthing others to appear angelic.

and please, can someone explains to me - what are the criteria that allow someone to be called an ustaz? semua yang pandai petik ayat al quran aje, nak dipanggil ustaz. padahal belum tentu lagi aplikasi petikan itu sesuai dengan konteks yang disampaikan pada masyarakat. kalau betul kau orang agama, yang beragama - kau takkan sewenang-wenangnya melabel kafir pada orang. bercakap pasti tidak semborono. harus fikir dalam-dalam sebelum buka mulut.

bahasa dalam islam sangat dititik beratkan. jangan sibukkan dosa pahala orang, tengok diri sendiri dulu. ceramah tajuknya selamatkan akidah, tapi akidah kau pun belum tentu terbela. caci maki kutuk keji mengumpat, bukan dosa ke? dasar mulut parit tersumbat.

niat tidak menghalalkan cara. self interest betul. nak selamatkan akidah ke nak cari medium nak bela diri, incik oii? aku masih mencari-cari seseorang yang bisa menarik ummat Rasulullah s.a.w untuk berubah ke jalan yang lebih baik tanpa perlu memburukkan orang lain. yang contohnya biar dekat sama hati. bukan contoh kau bagi orang sebelah-sebelah yang warna kulit lain, anutannya lain. macam tu ke kau nak buat orang tertarik dengan agama kita? pernah kau tengok paderi atau sami menjerit-jerit.

menjadi islam semata tidak menjamin kau lebih baik daripada yang lain. yang membezakan itu amalan - iman dan taqwa. tak guna kau kata kau cintakan islam, kalau perbuatan dan percakapan kau mengundang rasa tidak senang hati pada orang lain. islam itu indah, lebih indah daripada yang kau mampu canangkan.

nasihat aku, sebelum bagi ceramah terjerit-jerit, lihat dulu sekeliling. ini flat, speaker kau betul-betul di sudut dapur aku. bergegar-gegar rumah aku yang sekangkang kera dibuatnya. kalau betul ceramah itu sungguh bersifat kerohanian, sentuh jiwa aku ini. silakan, akan aku izinkan kau bercakap sampai pagi nanti. kalau setakat nak cerita perihal kau kena pecat, itu di kedai kopi pun boleh. atau mungkin kau patut tukar tajuk ceramah kepada selamatkan kau, instead.

dan tolong. minta tukang ampu kau berhenti jadi tukang kipas bontot dengan menggunakan mic. first, aku tak pekak dan aku rasa majoriti yang hadir pun elok deria pendengarannya. kau nak bakar semangat siapa, ngok? menjerit macam perempuan meraung-raung minta diceraikan. siakkkk.

kau boleh kata aku jahil. aku anti aktiviti islamik. kau nak kata aku pengecut kerana tak turut serta turun duduk di bawah khemah pun, silakan. kaulah yang paling berani. bercakap tanpa lapik, macam orang tak ada otak itu mungkin sesuai dengan kau.

aku, seorang yang berpendidikan. and i won't degrading myself to mingle with such narrow minded people. call me a snob; i am and it's because of you.

there's a reason i don't go to ceramah agama. most of the time, agama itu cuma alasan. what matters is you and solely you. most of the time, ceramah agama dicemar oleh self-proclaimed ustaz.

i hate it so much when the time for election is just around the corner. not only you get flags war and it's an eyesore scenery, but suddenly people are becoming more stupid than we can ever imagine.

agree?

put up your hand and give me five.

p/s: keyword: menjerit, terjerit, kipas bontot. none of them is my cup of tea. what about you?

there goes my dream.

panas dan mual memang kombinasi yang pasti mengganggu my beauty sleep. Haih. Tambah dengan kemunculan ruam di belakang, i'm such a princess. Heh what a spoil brat, me.

burn out.

nah, baca this and this.

i have almost half kot huhuhu. 

i need to collect myself and boost my motivation again. 

anyone, help?

it's not fun, at all.

aku sedang makan hati yang amat sangat.

sometimes i wonder would it be different if papa is still around.

wise man, i need you now.

but you are nowhere to be found.

funny man, make me laugh as you've always been.

but you are nowhere to be seen.

most of the time, we take things and people for granted.

we feel that we are right, that we've done what is right.

we feel that it's okay, while it's not.

we make believe that it's okay.

dan bila tiba hari di mana semuanya hilang, kita rasa kita tak rugi apa-apa.

tak. 

aku rasa ada lubang yang maha besar dalam hati aku sekarang.

ada seketul batu di tekak kerana tangis yang aku tahankan.

kerana terlalu sedih.

dan kerana terlalu merindui tapi tak bisa diubati.

kita rasa kita melindungi orang yang kita sayang.

tapi hakikatnya kita merosakkan apa yang kita ada.

kita takkan boleh puaskan hati semua orang.

kadang-kadang aku harap salah satu pihak boleh ada sedikit rasa simpati dan memahami untuk aku. 

or at least pretend that you actually care.

'cause it hurts to know that towards the end, for all that you've fought for - all that matters is YOU.

how you feel.

how people see you.

how we make you feel.

diluah mati mak.
ditelan mati bapak.

tapi aku dah tak ada ayah.
anak yatim hihih.

aku menulis kerana aku tiada kawan lain selain keluarga dan boifren. dan bila aku ada masalah, di sinilah tempat aku menulis. menulis menenangkan aku. membuatkan amarah aku sedikit kendur. melenyapkan sedikit rasa sendu di hati. kamu, bagaimana?

comel.

aku rasa ini comel.

kamu?

what's wrong with you, women?

i am a woman. but watching this stirs up my anger. ohh i'm easily getting angry hehehehe. such a hot tempered lady i've become. but then again, it annoys me to see people yang konon fighting for women's right but actually, not mewakili all women pun. they just feel like they represent women as a whole, but i don't want to be represented by a bunch of saiko women bahaha matilah kena kutuk lepas ni. 

aku rasa sesetengah wanita terlalu memperjuangkan keadilan yang sebenarnya sesuatu yang sangat subjektif. dan yang paling tak seronok, bila kau turut mengaku berjuang untuk keseluruhan kaum wanita. funny, okay. nak jadi activist, go ahead. but please maintain your sanity, dignity and professionalism. benci aku tengok terjerit-jerit suruh orang jangan menjerit. motif?

aku sebenarnya teringat tentang nasihat yang pernah papa wariskan pada aku dulu. konon nak menulis tentang itu. entah macam mana terstumble across vid neh, terus teremosi. hah dasar wanita tulen. nampak kat situ, kan? sebab tu aku tak jadi activist. sebab aku ini wanita tulen. penuh emosi. nanti aku meroyan berjuang terjerit-jerit, kan ke memalukan seluruh kaum keluarga? nak berjuang boleh, tapi didiklah anak-anak agar menjadi insan yang berguna, yang baik akhlak budi bahasa. sebab mereka generasi akan datang. yang akan merubah dunia harapnya.

ini kalau mak dah terpekik-pekik, bapak cop orang rude tanpa menyiasat latarbelakang cerita dan kejadian, kau rasa anak kau besok jadi insan yang mulia ke? confirmlah anak kau akan sentiasa rasa dirinya betul, angkuh dan suka berdebat dengan gaya bongkak walhal jika dibuat dengan sopan dan santun lebih manisnya di mata orang.

eee buang masa aku tengok mak-mak takda kerja lain neh. nak kata hidup ditindas tak ada pulak yang aku tengok pakaiannya compang camping, koyak berlubang sana sini. awak nak jadi leader ye? atas padang? bahahahahaha mari gelak ramai-ramai. aku lagi bangga jadi leader depan mata anak-anak. berentap di dapur memasak untuk anak dan suami. merempit nak ambil anak balik sekolah eh ini jangan tiru. heh daripada anak aku malu tengok aku berarak di padang. kompem kena bahan dengan kawan-kawan bahahahaa.

hurmmm meh nak cerita pasal warisan daripada papa. aku ini dulunya tempat dia berleter mencurah rahsia mak nenek ilmu rumahtangga. tapi tang 18sx tuh bapak aku taklah cerita banyak sikit-sikit itu pun macam ada tak ada diselit-selit aje. antara intipati utama tentang hormatkan suami. bapak aku selalu meluahkan kerisauan bahawa aku ini ada potensi degil nauzubillah bahahaha. ish apalah bapak aku ni.

jadi dia selalu pesan, walau apa pun jadi, letaklah suami di tempat paling tinggi. menjadi aku, mestilah aku melawan bahaahaa dengan menyatakan kalau suami tak hormatkan aku bagaimana? kau tahu bapak aku jawab apa? kalau dia suami yang baik, tak mungkin dia akan buat macam tu. dan kalau dia begitu - makanya redha jela. kamu yang pilih nak kawen dengan dia. ha telan ajelah hewwwheewwwhewwww. 

takda maknanya bapak aku nak bela anak dia heh. lepas tu berborak lagi tentang isu anak lelaki anak perempuan. bapak aku kata, kalau kamu kahwin papa kena lepaskan kamu. dah tak boleh paksa-paksa kamu balik rumah. kenalah ikut suami cakap macam mana. kalau kamu balik, baliklah. tapi jangan balik sorang. mesti suami kena ikut. aku melawan lagi, kata kalau asyik-asyik balik rumah dia je, keluarga kita macam mana? bapak aku bilang, anak lelaki ni sampai mati syurga dia bawah tapak kaki ibu. dan syurga kamu bawah tapak kaki suami. jangan melawan, redhakan saja. suami yang baik takkan dera isterinya zahir dan batin. kalau pun dia buat macam tu, redha jela. dah kamu pilih dia.

heh sedih. pak aku memang lagu tu. tapi dek kerana nasihat dia itulah, aku rasa susah dan senang aku masih setia bersama. sebab itulah pilihan aku. bila duduk sorang-sorang ni, teringat papa. paling tak boleh lupa bila dia usap belakang aku dan bilang, kamu anak yang baik walaupun kuat melawan. macam manalah bila kamu kahwin nanti. bahahaha sedih pulak haih.

sekarang, papa tak perlulah risau macam mana aku bila aku kahwin nanti. so far, aku yakin dengan pilihan aku. dulu papa tanya, boifren aku macam mana. elok ke dia layan aku. jawapan aku ketika itu masih sama dengan sekarang. dulu papa angguk dan suruh aku kahwin bila dengar jawapan yang aku beri. aku rasa, kalau papa masih ada pasti dialah orang yang paling gembira mendengar khabar aku akan berkahwin.

hurmmmm.