luahan perasaan mak yang emo

baru-baru ni aku diserang penyakit kemurungan. hahaha alasan kepada hati asyik nak sentap je huhu. tapi entahlah, macam berasas je perkara yang aku sentapkan tu. aku tak tahulah ni pembawakan diri lepas beranak ke hapa, aku terover perasan ke terover sensitif ke. nantilah ada masa aku teringin jugak nak share conversation menyentap jiwa raga tu hahhaa. tapi tu kena tunggu diri sedikit syaiton laa. kalau tengah perasan suci seperti sekarang, haruslah simpan diam-diam kan hahaha. 

masa fasa kemurungan tu, aku ni sedaya upaya tamau berkongsi sedih dengan suami. yelah, dilema kot sebab yang aku terasa tu dengan mak dia hahahaha takutlah iols nak cerita. maka berhuhuhu lah aku menangis sambil menyusu anak sambil tutup muka sendiri acah-acah laki tak perasan tengah menangis. padahal tak sedar ke badan berlemak sekali kau terhinggut-hinggut tersedu bergegar lemak di badan hahahah laki aku kata apehal badan you vibrate-vibrate ni hahahaahahaha. tapi percayalah, bertahan sehari je azam tanak share perihal itu. esoknya sebelum tidur aku pun telah mengadakan sesi hati ke hati dengan laki sungguh kelakar sebab cakap sambil telan-telan airliur tahan nangis heyyy kau dah kenapa perempuan ahahhaa.

laki aku sedikit pun tidak menafikan apa yang aku rasa, malah begitu baik memujuk dengan memberikan kata-kata berupa janji manis. laki aku kata dia tahu mak dia macam mana, dan dia tahu betapa besar usaha dan jasa aku nak bantu laki jadi dia paham kalau orang memperlekehkan usaha aku haruslah aku bersedih hihihi. aku bukan nak suruh laki aku menentang emak sendiri, memang jauh sekali tapi tolonglah faham betapa aku bersusah payah setiap hari demi memastikan kelangsungan hidup si ali bun bun tu hahaha. dan perkara jadi besar sebab one after another was said to me, so rasa kecik hati tu sepertinya dah terkumpul menjadi besar. and ada satu perkara besar berlaku, yang melibatkan wrong decision laki aku lantas aku menjadi mangsa, so itu antara penyumbang kepada semakin banyak perkara yang dicakapkan kepada aku sampai aku rasa eh eh dah apehal ni?

hahaha aku rasa korang yang membaca haruslah pening kerana dalam pada konon aku nak meluahkan perasaan, aku masih cuba berahsia agar tiada siapa menghakimi mak mertua ku itu. dia mak yang baik, dan aku menganggap segala apa yang berlaku adalah kerana aku. aku yang super sensitif, akulah menantu yang tak pandai bermain politik dan juga miskin tidak berduit untuk membodek eh eh. hahahaha.

dan lebih malang lagi, anaknya sendiri aka laki aku pun bukanlah insan berduit, malah sangat tidak mendambakan wang ringgit ishhhh tak paham aku orang tak gila duit ni hahahahah. dia lagi sanggup dapat hadiah berupa cuti tanpa rekod daripada mendapat wang tunai sebagai ganjaran perkhidmatan terbaik omg tolonglah bini kau nak shopping dan tiada kedai nak terima memo cuti tanpa rekod tu sebagai metod bayaran hahahahhahahahaha.

ketika aku kemurungan, pengasuh pula menghantar voice message berupa ali menjoyah bersama kain napkin dia (his new besfren) ohhh sungguh berbunga-bunga perasaan aku ini hilang stress hihi. and now i miss my son. minggu ni dia cranky sebab selsema. kitorang baru balik bercuti dari cameron hehehe tapi pasal percutian ni pun ada isu jugak hahahaha me and my never ending issuesssssss.

okaylah, nak sambung kerja. banyak lagi nak menjoyah ni tapi cukuplah serba sedikit luahan perasaan. esok lusa sambung lagi kalau tak busy bahahahhaha. happy weekend uolssss!

bij (read: bitch)

eh semalam konon nak muslimah bagai. hari ni hati meronta-ronta nak mengumpat hahahaha. memang dasar banyak setan dalam badan ni huahuahua.

tempat kerja aku ni memang kuat bersifat keagamaan (sepatutnya). tapi.. lebih banyak setan bertopengkan manusia. eh kadang aku pun tak terkecuali menjadi setan dan harinilah contohnya hahahhahaha.

aku terpaksa beranak awal kerana air ketuban leaking. kau rasa, aku memang mintak ke cemana anak tak cukup bulan? gila ke hapa. benda ni Allah yang decide, bukan aku memandai-mandai. masa aku pregnant, heavily pregnant, bij bos (bukan sahaja big, malah bitch) pesan make sure kerja kena settle before i beranak. i scheduled everything to fit, in fact aku dah clearkan my schedule two weeks earlier kot-kot terberanak awal from due date. so my life was hectic, trying to put everything checked. kelas pun tak miss unless i was hospitalized, siap buat berderet-deret kelas ganti sebab kata bij bos, that's the procedure ko beranak ke apa ke kelas tetap keutamaan. aku rasa kalau time meneran tu aku boleh mengajar lagi, dia tetap nak aku mengajar ke cemana ek hahahahha.

i was exhausted, dengan membawa perut, asyik bleeding keluar masuk hospital lagilah kena ganti all the classes. aku takde mc sehari semata tak larat datang tau. i forced myself to work sebab asyiklah kena lecture nanti makan duit haram yada yada yada bij mode on hahaha. and i didn't complain pun sebab sedar itu tanggungjawab. tapi Allah maha kaya, dia decide maybe that's enough for me maka dia bagi aku beranak awal. it wasn't easy; yelah force labour kot. anak tak ready nak keluar tapi kena paksa. sampai sekarang ada kesan forcep di kepala ali yang each time aku tengok aku rasa sedih sebab dia terpaksa dikeluarkan awal. masuk keluar nicu, aku terpaksa berulang alik sampai bentan, Allah knows how terrible that phase was. tapi tengok muka anak terubat rasa sakit tu betapa nikmatnya Allah aturkan semua ni.

tapi adalah mulut-mulut puaka kat opis yang cakap seperti menyalahkan aku beranak awal. as if it was my choice, my decision. hello, uols nak ke take over kelas i so that aku dapat rehat tak perlu berlari sana sini pulun nak habiskan silibus dalam masa sebulan setengah instead of three months? takde pun kau kurangkan my teaching hours, siap kata takkan aku nak makan gaji buta nanti haram what the hell and now you talk behind my back? like seriously bij, and bij-ches (plural sebab ada setan-setan lain join mengumpat)? you think it was fun to see your baby strapped with tubes and  wires and fed thru tube? suka? babi la kau sekor-sekor makan sumpahan.

jangan nak cakaplah ketuban aku pecah awal sebab aku kerja keras ke sana ke mari pulun kaver silibus kalau kau sendiri yang lambak kerja kat aku tanpa belas ihsan. dan please, doktor pun tak dapat carik punca why aku leaking sebab bukaan memang takda. and pleassssseeee, stop playing god. pantang tok nenek aku la orang berperangai know-it-all ni. 

aku doakan next time ko beranak perit rabak sampai punggung. padan muka. heh.

biskut chipsmore

haa aku la tu hat macam biskut tu hahaha. masuk keja, dapat jam mengajar hambik kau banyak gila haih tak dan nak buat keja merapu haha. masa senggang dihabiskan dengan mengepam ecewah macam lembu ternak dah rasa kahkahkah.

aku beli pam murah je... janji mampu melaksanakan tugas la haha. so far aku happy je dengan pam aku tu. cukuplah mengeluarkan susu untuk ali. ali aku hantar ke nursery. so far aku rasa okay je, walaupun ada few cases dia terbazirkan susu aku huhuhu. entahlah, cerewet sangat pun kelak akan menyusahkan aku semula. janji ali happy, kenyang, tidur cukup, sihat tembun membulat, what else can i ask kan. aku maafkan dan aku redha susu yang terbazir. moga ada rezeki lain untuk ali hihi.

eh entry mak-mak sangat mukadimah dah dok cerita pasal anak hahahaha. aku tengah stress keja.. nak mencarut bab keja macam tak muslimah haih dilemanyaaaaa hahaha. nak shopping, duit tengah saving nak pi cameron next week. cannot waitttt! hahaha. dilema ibu bekerja, sebolehnya nak duduk mengulit anak. tapi apakan daya, ekonomi tak baguih kenalah mak turut membanting tulang hehehe.

rumah baru dah nak siap! we call it our grey house. come lote je rumah.. sesuailah dengan kami yang biasa-biasa ni hahahaha. tengah dok berkira-kira bajet kipas lampu pulak omg mak pokai. haritu beli downlights pun habis almost 500. tu beli yang middle range punya tu. kalau premium macam philips tu, menangis la aku kat sudut bilik tengok balance akaun negatif hahahaha. tapi shopping for ali tetap tak dilupakan hahaha dasar betol. seronok rupanya ada anak haha.

kereta aku rosak ni. rasa macam bertimpa-timpa pulak masalah musibah hahahaha. dengan nak kena renew roadtax and insuran lagi huhuhu apalah nasib. nantilah pikior hihihi. ikutkan hati nak aje aku tukar kereta baru tapi ikut poket mungkin patut beli kereta tolak je hahahahhahahah gilo.

dahlah. baik aku tamatkan entry tidak bertujuan dan tidak berfaedah ini dengan gambar seketol ali.

"mak, ali pening dengar mak membebel"

hahah.

Raya bertiga

Aku menulis thru blogspot app kat hp. So ada komen-komen korang aku tak dapat nak respon/reply. Nanti next week masuk keja hakak nak berbalas komen la haha acah-acah ramai nau komen haaaaa ish.

Tahun ni beraya bersama si ali bam bam. Kecik sangat, aku tak beli pun baju melayu. Anak kuat peluh, sama macam mak haha. So tayahla beria beli baju melayu bagai buat ruam je kang. Ali ni kulit sensitif, sama macam aku. And paling kesian sebab ruam attack muka, bahu and kepala. Tapi dia cool je. Aku yang sedih sobss.

Next week dah masuk keja. Aku baru jumpa taska last week. Ingat nak carik babysitter, nak yang tak jaga ramai budak. Tapi ramai yang tak memenuhi kriteria yang ditetapkan mak yang cerewet ke cemana ek hahaha. Taska yang aku pilih ni berdaftar dengan jkm, and dia dah mula track record vaccine semua. Masa visit haritu, ada baby hingus pekat hijau meleleh. Hadehh runtun jiwa aku nak hantar anak. Tapi apakan daya, kami tak ada pilihan sebab yelah, mana ada mak nak anak berhingus-hingus macam tu kalau boleh kan. Aku cubalah untuk faham huhu.

Aku tak reti lagi uruskan susu ali ni. Risau pun ada huhu. Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan, dan ali terpelihara.

Oh ye, nak ucapkan selamat hari raya to all. Maaf sangat kalau ada ucapan or statement poyo yang tak disenangi hihi mulot hazabedah jugak aku ni kengkadang. Enjoy your raya, people!

How it all happened

8 april, 2016. Right after work, we went to Alamanda for dinner. Though i was extremely tired, but the thought of cuci mata was so irresistable haha. Off we went, and as i was having bad discharge, i couldn't consume anything sweet. My dinner was just plain water and a piece of kfc chicken, and some potato wedges. Nyumsss. Back home, we slept early, not knowing that we were about to meet you soon. As usual i slept with hassle and you were extremely active in my tummy that night.

9 April, 2016. At 2+ am, i felt something strange. A sound came from down under. It wasn't the 'pop' sound, it was more of a crackling sound. Susah nak explain what sound was that haha. And then at around 3 suddenly i felt the urge to pee. As soon as i sat on the toilet bowl, water gushed out, and i thought it was my urine. But damm it was a lot haha. I smelled it, no odour. Cannot be la.. i'm just 34weeks, that was what i said to myself. So i cleaned up, the moment i stepped out from the toilet, another gush happened. A lot i tell youuuu. Basah depan toilet macam banjir. I was panicking, so i grabbed a pad, wore it, and the third gush happened. Took another pad, wore it, and kept thinking ni air ketuban ke apa ek adoiiila lembabnya omak kau ni hahahah.

I lied down, and fourth gush happened, and that was then i decided to wake your dad up. He was so sleepy, so his response was slow, like it was not an emergency at all. I was so worried i would wet the bed, i jumped off it and fell down on the floor haha. Your dad freaked out, tetiba terus alert haha bagus hilang mamai terus haha. He packed my bag, while i was getting ready. Getting ready lah sangat, omak pakai kain batik je hahaha. Changed another pad, and off we went to the hospital. I wet your dad's car seat hahaha macam nak kering dah rasa air ketuban tu.

Sampai hospital, got myself checked, yuppp it was my water, so i was admitted straight away. Thank god there was a bed for me or else i might be asked to get to other hospital. They put me for observation, did vce tapi bukaan cuma 0.5cm haha. The rest you can read here.

So that's your birth story. I didn't get to see you on the day you were born. I was heavily sedated, and i was too weak, and visiting hour was over. Oh, you were admitted to nicu for conginetal pneumonia. You had difficulty breathing few minutes after you were out from me. You did not cry, and you couldn't breathe, i was so sad hearing the news. Rasa helpless sangat. But that didn't weaken me. I didn't cry, i rested well that night so i would have the strength to visit you the next day. Your father didn't take your picture because he said it was heartbreaking to see you with wires and tubes, and he didn't want me to be sad seeing that. Plus, i had my water leaked for days therefore there were risks of infection yada yada yada so they had to put you on antibiotic and observation.

I walked to nicu the next day, entah mana dapat kekuatan nak pergi tengok anak. Wheelchair takde yang available, so pelan-pelan jalan hihi. Sanggup. Demi anak. Masa sampai jumpa doktor, doktor explained your condition, tertelan-telan air liur sebab sedih tapi tak mahu nangis. You were so small, so fair, mata sepet. Seronok dapat sentuh anak mak, you responded by crying. Terkejut kot tangan gemuk muncul tetiba bahaha. Admitted on tuesday, discharged on monday. During your stay, i tried nursing you tapi susahnya ya Allah. Weeks later baru i know why it was so hard for both of us huu.

We brought you back on monday evening, and hospital set an appointment with kk the next day. that night you were restless. You had fever, which was not normal but since tomorrow was your check up, tokma and i took turns to sleep and checked your temperature. Next day, i was asked to take you to the hospital, and you were admitted again for presumed sepsis. You didn't have fever anymore, but your blood tests showed you had an infection. So again antibiotic was on. I would come after lunch and stayed until maghrib. Nursing you, changed your diapers, talking to you though you slept most times haha. You were discharged on sunday evening, after days of quiet nights you are finally home.

We named you muhammad ali. I have long loved the name ali, and so is your father. May you become as strong as muhammad ali, physically and in faith, and may you own the wisdom of khalifah ali r.a, that later would shape you into a good human being. Ingatlah anak ku, manners make a man. So be a man.

You are a premature baby, and you will always be my baby. Dah tua esok pun masih lagi bayi mak selamanya hihi. Mak sayang ali. There are a lot more to tell about our journey, but later it will be. We have gone through things together, mak harap ali kuat for more to come. A lot more is coming, but fret not i will be there for you, always. InsyaAllah.

p/s: renyahnya taip guna hp hahaha.

when you are real.

this is another scheduled entry, which i decide to post after the due date. you may not be able to read now, but perhaps when you are slightly older you would know how things happened, how you were in me once upon a time. i may not have much time to document every single thing, but that's okay. we could save that for our chit chat later. i love you, baby. i already love you though you are so so tiny in me. :)

5 october, 2015.

i decided to start telling about you once you are safe in our hands, or in simple words you are safely born (but we truly aware of to whom you belong to). so here is the story of how it all begins.

we were scared and shocked in the beginning, after knowing that you were inside me. but we welcome you with open hands and hearts, and my maternal instinct started to kick in the moment i saw you on the screen, and i almost cried when i heard your heart beating so fast and so strong. 

i have to admit, i was silly. i was overweight, and all i could think of was to shed off the extra kilos. so i bought slimming pills. it was not advised to take if i am pregnant, so to be sure, on 14 september 2015, i did UPT to confirm. it was negative, and i proceeded with the pills. there were effects - i lost my appetite completely even my favourite food couldn't make me eat, and i was so sick i felt nauseous all the time, and i became a sleepyhead, i could sleep while singing to your father - and i thought those were the effects of that bloody pills. i should be losing weight but i wasn't. little did i know, it was you. that i had already conceived you in my womb.

it was 28 september, the day before your father's birthday. we both took leave from work because i wanted to do pap-smear test at UiTM Selayang. it is far from our home, sweetheart. so your father decided to drive me there, and i was so happy because it was monday and we did not have to go to work like the others. traffic was bad, everything went bad and we were losing sanity already. we went to aeon kepong to have lunch, and to let you father enjoyed himself at the autocar shop or whatever they call it haha. then off we went to uitm.

while waiting, i was asked to fill a form, asking me questions that i thought were very challenging. your father waited for me downstairs, but we texted each other and had fun laughing at our silly jokes. i weighed myself, yet my weight maintained and i was so frustrated. i thought to myself - stupid pills haha silly, i know. still waiting, i almost dozed off on the chair, when my name was called. i was brought to a room, where more questions were asked.

when they asked me when was my last period, i told them it was irregular, i last had my period in july, which i thought was normal. one of the ladies said no, it wasn't, i should get myself checked though i might not be pregnant. i was so sure i wasn't pregnant because i already did the test and it was negative. she then asked me, do i feel strange? i said my boobs are extra big, but it happened each time i am about to get my period. it just didn't come yet. she then told me to do upt again, just to be safe, and she strongly felt i am pregnant. so i did. and guess what? that was how i knew i was pregnant. 

my ears were hot and i am sure they were red too, i was in disbelief. i mean, how could it happen? i didn't cry, because i was puzzled. and it was unexpected. i was there for something else, just to discover something else. but thank god it wasn't cancer hahaha. the appointment was then called off, we couldn't do it because i am pregnant. she advised me to buy a digital upt, so i could be more sure. i laughed all the way going down, your father waited for me in the car because he was sleepy. the moment i went in, he asked me how it was going and i told him i failed. 

he asked me why, and i told him that's because i'm pregnant. he went quiet and he looked worried. not the best response to give, but i took it as a sign he was as shocked as i was. in movies you would see people scream, cry or asking things in disbelief, but let's be realistic. we were so shocked we couldn't tell what's exactly was going on in our mind hahaa. we were stunned, and quiet for a while. it felt like time had stopped for us. OMG rasa tak percaya kauuuuu hahaa.

so, as to be more certain, we went to a mall, got the digital upt - the most expensive upt i've ever bought. i felt funny and sad when we wanted to buy the upt. it was freaking expensive - RM34.90, and your father and i spent some time counting the money we had. i was sad and worried, how could we support and provide for you but i brushed off the thought because i didn't want your father to see me sad. i know your father was worried too but he wouldn't share it with me. i just know him too well. but that didn't stop us from having fun hihi. so we watched a movie, shopped a little then we went home.

i did the test at home, and the small screen stated 3+, meaning that you have been in me for long but we didn't know. that i was sick because it was you telling us you were there. i confirmed my pregnancy the next day, 29 september, it was your father's birthday and you were the gift we both got. i got to see you, so small but the images were blurred, i still felt nothing extraordinary. i felt normal, i didn't feel pregnant despite my bad bad nausea. on saturday, 3 october, it was the first time i could really see your hands, and your feet, and i could hear your heart beating. the pictures were clearer, so that's it, that was how i accepted the news that i am now a mother though you are not born yet. 

you were 7 weeks 5 days, and i felt so sick i wondered how could you torture your mother so bad hahaha. entering 8th week, my nausea subsided and i am a happy woman again. but i cannot eat late, i must eat spicy food, and i love love love chips. like potato chips, nachos. if all this while i love to spray my whole body with perfume - yes i am crazy like that, do accept the fact your mother is insane hahaha, now i would just spray sufficiently, just so i don't make people around me being uncomfortable. 

we only told your tokma and nenek, and we wanted to make it a secret first. but later your father and i decided to tell your father's siblings. on your father's side, there is little pressure because you are not the first one. but on my side, after we lost rayyan - your cousin, cekna's baby, we are afraid to hurt her more. so we have to be a lot more careful, and it doesn't help that cekna is trying so hard to get a baby, but we got you. you will be the first grandchild, so that's a lot of pressure, i'm telling you.

so hang in there, baby. we'll get through this. you can make me as sick as you want, but i'll fight, just as much as you fight to be in my womb though i ate the stupid pills, and many other stupid things i did hahaha. stay strong, baby. your momma is fighting for you. i eat to survive though the thought of eating has made me feel uneasy. but anything for you. i'll update more of your progress, and this entry is going to be so so long, but that's okay. because i want to make everything fits in an entry. it is easier for me to recall. i'm old, my dear. when we get to see each other, i would be a year older. 

may Allah protect us both, and we could be together when the time comes. i love you, baby. i already love you though you are not born yet. be safe in there, everyone is excited to see you. so, till next time, baby. till next time.

22 october, 2015.

you are now 10 weeks, my dear. i have never been this sick. my morning sickness is the worst, you made me sleep in a sitting position and i've been lacking of sleep now hahah. i can't imagine how my third trimester is going to be like since the first is horrible already haha.

on week 9, the doctor found a cyst on the left. she said since it is quite big, she wanted me to check with the specialist. and last two days, it was getting smaller so nothing should be worried. i saw you dancing and kicking happily, alhamdulillah. be safe, dear. don't do anything stupid in there, okay? hahaha.

i already told my siblings last two weeks. as expected, cekna's is the hardest reaction to handle hehe. but i am sure she would love you so much. but i still didn't announce your existence to my colleagues, except for aunty ema and aunty efa. they treated us seafood at bagan lalang as to celebrate. and the day after, my morning sickness started to show its vengeance hahaha. so yeah, thank god we went there earlier.

i have lost 2.5kg to date. your father said he was sad to see me in this condition, but when i vomitted, he pretended to sleep hahaha sabar jelah. your father is the man who doesn't really express his feelings, so tak payahla nak terasa ke hapa hahaha. i just pray this phase passes as soon as possible. in november, we have many events to attend so we will be travelling. in my condition now, may Allah have mercy on me. be good in it, baby. i'll be seeing you again on 26 october. 

till then, be safe. and dance and kick as much as you want. you'll miss the space once you are getting bigger. :)

4 november, 2015.

26 october, they found another cyst on the right this time. so i went to putrajaya again to meet the specialist. and you know what? the cyst is big, and it is on the left pulak. 5cm x 7cm. 3 specialists concluded it's dermoid cyst, so next week, 13/11, i'll be undergoing a laparoscopic surgery to remove it. no wonder you are always on the right. must be hating the tight space shared with the cyst kan? 

doctor said there is a chance of me losing you. i don't know what to feel, honestly. your father said kena redha. i redha sangat. it's just that i feel tired. so tired and i don't want it to be for nothing. but Allah knows best. He knows what is best for me. So my little baby, we will fight together, but if Allah says you are not going to make it, i'm fine don't you worry. you will be in good hands, i know. 

i don't know what will come or be, but for sure i'll not give up fighting. be safe, my dear. and be strong. 

2 december, 2015.

alhamdulillah, the surgery went well, despite the scars it gave me. and alhamdulillah, you are safe for now. doctors did all they could to protect you. i saw you twice, before i was allowed to be back home. at home, i rested well (most of the time lying down) because your father didn't allow me to move that much. all meals were bought by him, all i did was eating and sleeping. but thank god i didn't gain much weight hahaha. i went back to work a week after the surgery. i felt okay, but second week working now, i feel weak again. my nausea never goes away, and i am easily tired. and it doesn't help that my classes are pack, and programs are too many. i wish i can just sleep all day long. are you a boy, my dear? why you make me so lazy? hahaha. i have tons to settle, so till then baby. be safe in me.

23 march, 2015.
i'm 8 month (32 week) pregnant now. you are growing so well, my tummy feels so tight and cramped. my ribcage is expending, it hurts, you know. but that's okay. as long as you stay healthy and safe in me. i keep on bleeding for no reason. we thought we could be losing you but alhamdulillah, you are very strong. macam tak terkesan langsung heheh. since my last update, i have been admitted 3 times for observation, and once because they suspected i had renal stones/appendicitis. it was very very painful. thinking about how painful that was make me more scared to give birth hahaha. it makes me so anxious huhu. i haven't decided where i should give birth, though in my mind putrajaya would be easier since all my records are there. 

all your things are almost ready. nothing fancy, my love. whatever we can afford la ye. bersederhanalah, anakku. kerana bersederhana itu lebih baik. not that we are not excited for your arrival, but there are other things we have to consider. so far you have been so kind to me. i didn't crave anything weird or fancy too. i don't have problems eating. i struggle to sleep but there are days when you let me sleep peacefully, so that's good enough for me. i've always wondered how it would feel to see your tummy moves, but now i got to experience it. is this the fun they always talked about? it surely is because it makes me giggle sebab geli sangat.

you would kick so hard when we watched movies. compared to few movies we watched, you kicked the hardest when we watched deadpool haha. your father wants to watch another war movie, 13 hours but i'm worried it may affect you somehow. but early exposure is good, eh? batman vs superman is out tomorrow. that's another movie we will be watching, so just enjoy the sound k baby? 

we still keep your gender as a secret. there are many many things you need to consider in this life, my love. we are taking very careful steps in exposing details about you. not because we are not excited, but there are hearts to care, including ours. but we have picked your name long before we know your gender. nothing fancy, again. we wanted something traditional, and can be pronounced well by anyone in the world. so your name is very universal, and to some people can be controversial as well. but whatever it is my love, manners make a man. 

i didn't tell much about my pregnancy journey on my blog, or on my ig. am i taking care of others' hearts too much, my love? but that's just your mother. i don't like to expose things that i know may be sensitive to others. let the happiness be between your dad and i. there are things i'm not happy with, like how others, including relatives say insensitive things to me though i'm trying my very best to be considerate, but i know there's nothing much i can do about it. biarlah Allah yang jaga kita, anakku. kita jaga niat kita, perbuatan kita dan selebihnya let Him decides what is best for us. 

i can't wait to see you. but at the same time i wish i would have all the time to settle things. if i manage to finish my master, tok wan will be taking us to perth, you know? i'm dreaming of seeing you run at king's park. let's do this together ye anakku. till then, be safe my love. senget-senget perut ibu awak somersault kat dalam, but that's pure happiness nothing else. it means you are alive and doing okay hihi.

p/s: your femur length is longer that you GA. is that a sign you are having your father's trait?

postpartum blues.

pantang berbaki seminggu lagi. well, honestly aku tidaklah begitu berpantang. mana yang basic jelah aku buat. dok sorang pun, bertemankan laki je. parents in law and mak aku dekat je, but for many reasons aku decide nak berpantang sendiri di rumah. first week, i stayed at my parents in law's house, sebab masih baru sangat nak naik turun tangga apartment. baby at nicu, so hari-hari akan pergi jenguk. parents in law takde, so laki aku yang jaga. mujur dia cuti seminggu.

lepas baby dapat keluar, which was a week after he was born, my mother came. she stayed with us for two weeks, but again, baby admitted second time to nicu, so the first week tu baby takda so tak rasa meriah sangat sebab sunyi tanpa tangisan bayi. i spent my day pumping and sleeping. tengahari je pergi hospital, malam baru balik. dah beranak almost tiga minggu baru aku berurut. memang sedap walaupun sakit nak mampus hahaha. 

tapi sebenarnya first week tu aku bentan sampai demam-demam, asal menjelang asar je akan start panas dalam badan dan menggigil-gigil lepas tu sakit nak mampus dekat ari-ari. tapi aku gagahkan jugak, buat-buat cool macam tak sakit sebab nak tengok anak. kalau buat-buat lemah nanti laki aku tak bagi pergi hospital haha. ada satu hari tu tak tahan sangat, menggagau carik tukang urut yang available, yang boleh datang sendiri sebab tukang urut aku book tu kena amik and hantar dia balik, which leceh la jugak hahaha. nasib jumpa, and berurutlah aku dari jam 10 sampai 1 pagi. malam tu buat pertama kalinya aku tidur lena tanpa terjaga. Allah, memang nikmat sangat sebab since pregnant memang tak pernah cukup tidur hihi.

perihal aku nak beranak ni macam huru hara jugak. laki aku sampai sekarang urat punggung masih tergeliat sebab lama sangat drive ke hulu ke hilir ulang alik sepital tengok bini, antar bini segala macam ahaha. aku tolong urut pun gagal jugak nak betulkan, takkan nak suruh tukang urut aku urut bontot dia pulak? haha memang mintak kena pijak dengan aku tu sampai urat tu elok balik hahaha.

aku patut baca journal, but as always ada je distractionsssss haihh. badan sakit ni sebab position masa menyusu tak betul. nantilah aku cerita pasal breastfeeding ni. banyakkkkk sangat Allah berikan aku dugaan untuk aku belajar macam-macam benda baru. and surprisingly, semua masalah tu bila aku google tak ramai pulak rakyat malaysia yang blog about it. 

nantilah. yang aku nak share ni macam melibatkan emosi sikit. bila dah tenang nanti aku tulis. till then, tadaaa.

eh lepas tu tengok tajuk entry, eh apa kaitan dengan postpartum blues ni ahahaha. well, aku tak ada masalah duduk rumah. cuma lately ni makin nak ke hujung macam arghhh bosannya tak ada sapa nak borak. laki aku balik tengahari mesti nak rehat, nak nap sebab malam pun tidur tak cukup. takkan nak kacau. aku selalunya akan tidur lepas dia pi opis. so tidurku cukup je cuma takdela lama macam zaman berdua hahaha. malam pulak, dia akan tertidur awal, aku masih dok berdendang sayang nak tidurkan anak haha. mungkin orang kata apalah laki dia tak teman, tapi honestlylaaaa bagi aku baik dia tidur sebab anak tetap tak nak dia pun, nak mengempeng dengan aku jugak haha. daripada aku dok tengok dia galak main hp lepas tu tersengih-sengih sorang-sorang lagi membara hati akakkk ni tau haha. padahal tersengih sebab main 9gag, aku dok pikiaq tah apa plak hahaha bongok betul emosi ibu beranak satu ni.

so yeah, pentingnya manusia untuk bercakap. aku sekarang dah pandai baby talk. dulu tak reti. siap dah pandai berlagu-lagu menyanyi hahahah well, babies make us do stupid things to calm them down.

sekarang nah rasakan, akulah mak yang comot dok menyanyi sambil berjoget untuk tenangkan anak. dan ye, bila basuh berak jugak ada lagu khas. hurmm i should consider being a composer hahahaha.

ok anak dah nanges. bai.