Wednesday, January 17, 2018

legendary.

it's the third week of new year. yet, nothing pleasant about work so far. but life is all good. good if it's not related to work hahahah can see tak how much i despise my job now?

speaking of new year, of course i have few things i wanna achieve. bila baca entry ain terus rasa eh macam lebih kurang sama plak dengan rancangan den ni hahaha. aku tengah berusaha keras nak hapus kan hutang-hutang jahat ni. ni semua sebab kegagalan masa muda ni. gagal kawal diri, kawal nafsu, kawal kewangan etc. acah-acah dosa silam la niiii. skang, rasakan. merana tubuh badan.

but it's okay. ain pesan kena positif. maka hakak pun pikir takpelah benda dah berlalu. sekarang mari cari jalan untuk selesaikan masalah tu. masalah duit boleh urus beb. masalah kerja eh gi mampus dulu la hahahahha nanti pikior haha. doakanlah by hujung bulan ni aku dapat selesaikan apa yang patut hehehe.

aku pernah beli rumah. in fact, aku ada rumah sendiri sebelum aku kahwin. so, itu pun satu achievement, kan? walaupun banyak masalah masa nak beli dan selepas beli, tapi tu semua pengalaman. i can proudly tell people i own a house. and aku ada rumah sewa hahahahahaha. tapi itulah, masih belum mahir selok belok pengurusan kewangan. i think it will take some time for me to solve this problem. but better late than never kan. kan kan. i should read more, and cut off expenditure yang tak perlu. but recently i develop a bad habit weh. a very bad habit la pada aku. which is, bila stress i need to shop. benda kecik-kecik je pun as long as i shop hahahaha. bahaya, kan?

but aku berjaya control diri dua tiga bulan ni bilamana aku tak pegang any cash in hands. all expenses macam minyak, tol, makan, beli barang runcit laki bayor haha. tapi aku kan shopping through online. so what i did, aku kosongkan akaun shopping rahsia aku tu. aku cuma tinggalkan rm50 je just to keep my sanity la sebab kerja aku memang tekanan banyak weh hahaha. at least oklah jugak daripada sebelum ni beratus-ratus duit aku lebur huhuhu. tapi ada lagi satu account shopping. yang ni kami laki bini share. akaun ni memang aku guna as main untuk settlekan bills payments etc. sebab laki aku ada akses to that account. so he knows every detail yang aku spend. dapat je gaji, aku akan terus masukkan duit ke situ. papehal spend situ je dulu. akaun shopping rahsia aku tu aku bekukan hahaha. 

laki aku gaji tak banyak. tapi so far tak pernah tak cukup lagi. konsep dia ambil maklumlah peranan masing-masing. sebagai isteri aku tau kemampuan dia takat mana. alhamdulillah so far aku tak rasa lagi nak demand-demand hahaha. moga kekal istiqamah la kan. aku ingat dulu bapak aku pesan macam-macam walaupun masa tu aku tak kawen lagi. dia tau masa tu boipren aku tu biasa-biasa je. anak dia pulak acah-acah ada degree kan. bapak mana tak risau. tapi dia bukan risau kat boipren aku tu hahahahah. dia risau boleh ke aku kekal menjadi 'isteri'. maksudnya, mampu ke aku hormati suami walaupun dia tak kaya, tak mewahkan aku, aku kena bantu dia secara kewangan dengan banyak etc. risau sangat aku jadi isteri derhaka, isteri yang tak diredhai huhu. tapi ni tahun ke lima aku jadi isteri, alhamdulillah Allah mudahkan. dan kami okay. sebab aku tau aku siapa. ISTERI. besaq weh title ni huhuh. untuk orang yang sangat berdikari, keras kepala, bapak aku tau aku cemana. sebab tu dia risau hahahaha.

kalau papa hidup lagi, mesti dia bangga tengok aku boleh ikut cakap dia keh3. rindunya. haih.

takpalah. his blood runs in mine though he is gone. so, takpelah. 

speaking of legendary. i am a legend. sebab apa? pm tepi ah satgi akak cite kah3. aku tatau la nak rasa apa.. but honestly, sikit pun tak sedih tak kecewa tak apa. aku rasa kelakar. nak kata marah pun tak. lebih macam rasa tumpul hahahah mampus kau la labu. i don't live for the job pun. so, sukahati. every word that came out from ya mouth pun dah menjawab kepada why i shouldn't feel a thing. it was not an issue pun because jawapan udah jelas. but yelah, to some, periuk nasi is periuk nasik. so takpelah. i'm okay. 

i am a legend. remember?

Friday, January 5, 2018

I would never be perfect

Aku insan tak sempurna. I have issues, problems etc. So sometimes i could not deliver good works or being a good teacher or being a good colleague etc.

Despite those, i still have feelings. I really wanna be good. I wanna change. I wanna prove i can do it too. But i need space. And i need to be given at least a chance. Give me the time n space i need. Let me deal with things one at a time.

People are having their own hurdles in life. And to force them, to shove your idea of being ideal to people who do not have privileges like you do is unfair. I fell down so so low; the lowest point of my life recently. 2014 was the worst year for me. 2015, i struggled so hard to pick myself up. I didn't fully succeed. 2016, i tried again, and again to no avail. I kept asking myself why people loved seeing me fail? Am i not worthy at all?

2017, i thought life would change. But it was just the same. There was light at the end of the tunnel. But the end was far far away. Too far for my reach. 2018. Nothing is great for now. I am still trying to pick myself up. Orang kata move on. But how to when people keep on trampling on you?

I am not perfect. So sometimes i made mistakes. I lost my motivation and passion. I felt betrayed. I succumb to my own ordeal.

Aku dah penat. Penat cuba nak betulkan keadaan tapi masih tak betul-betul. Mungkin betul aku sebenarnya bodoh, dan tak reti buat kerja. Mungkin.