Friday, December 30, 2016
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
all is well, to all of us. i hope.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Friday, October 14, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
minggu ni minggu stress. bos pulak puaka, lagilah tak menyenangkan hahaha. menambah beban otak adalah hihi. tapi lantok la kau sana. silakan mereput dalam bilik sendiri hahaha. petang ni aku nak santai-santai je sambil mendengar bunyi zooottt zoooottt daripada pam haha. tadi kena audit. benda simple je. and biasalah audit mengaudit ni. orang audit untuk penambahbaikan. tapi bos maksum, sikit salah pun tak boleh semua kena perfect hahaha.
tapi benda ni membuktikan satu perkaralah. kalau kau pandai politik, baik dengan pihak atasan, memang dia cover kau punya. masalahnya dua-dua tu aku takda hahahah mulut plak longkang, muka pun ketat berlagak. memang lagi mencari nahaslah. takleh blah betul aku selama dua jam aku diaudit, terpaksa menahan meluat dengar bodek membodek ni macam nak muntoh hahahah.
mujur dah selamat, dan fokus cuma nak buat revision dengan students sahaja. next week exam, file aku dah nak siap hahaha semua gara-gara bos cengey pelekah nak tengok harini file yang sepatutnya buat bila dah tamat semester. masalahnya semester tamat bulan sepuluh hahahahah kau rasa aku efisyen ke bos aku over carik pasal? orang dok kalut-kalut nak settle p&p, budak nak exam bla bla bla dia sibuk terjah aku nak file tetiba. gilaaaa hahaha.
tak sabarnya nak balik jumpa ali bun bun. rindu.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Aku menulis thru blogspot app kat hp. So ada komen-komen korang aku tak dapat nak respon/reply. Nanti next week masuk keja hakak nak berbalas komen la haha acah-acah ramai nau komen haaaaa ish.
Tahun ni beraya bersama si ali bam bam. Kecik sangat, aku tak beli pun baju melayu. Anak kuat peluh, sama macam mak haha. So tayahla beria beli baju melayu bagai buat ruam je kang. Ali ni kulit sensitif, sama macam aku. And paling kesian sebab ruam attack muka, bahu and kepala. Tapi dia cool je. Aku yang sedih sobss.
Next week dah masuk keja. Aku baru jumpa taska last week. Ingat nak carik babysitter, nak yang tak jaga ramai budak. Tapi ramai yang tak memenuhi kriteria yang ditetapkan mak yang cerewet ke cemana ek hahaha. Taska yang aku pilih ni berdaftar dengan jkm, and dia dah mula track record vaccine semua. Masa visit haritu, ada baby hingus pekat hijau meleleh. Hadehh runtun jiwa aku nak hantar anak. Tapi apakan daya, kami tak ada pilihan sebab yelah, mana ada mak nak anak berhingus-hingus macam tu kalau boleh kan. Aku cubalah untuk faham huhu.
Aku tak reti lagi uruskan susu ali ni. Risau pun ada huhu. Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan, dan ali terpelihara.
Oh ye, nak ucapkan selamat hari raya to all. Maaf sangat kalau ada ucapan or statement poyo yang tak disenangi hihi mulot hazabedah jugak aku ni kengkadang. Enjoy your raya, people!
Thursday, June 23, 2016
8 april, 2016. Right after work, we went to Alamanda for dinner. Though i was extremely tired, but the thought of cuci mata was so irresistable haha. Off we went, and as i was having bad discharge, i couldn't consume anything sweet. My dinner was just plain water and a piece of kfc chicken, and some potato wedges. Nyumsss. Back home, we slept early, not knowing that we were about to meet you soon. As usual i slept with hassle and you were extremely active in my tummy that night.
9 April, 2016. At 2+ am, i felt something strange. A sound came from down under. It wasn't the 'pop' sound, it was more of a crackling sound. Susah nak explain what sound was that haha. And then at around 3 suddenly i felt the urge to pee. As soon as i sat on the toilet bowl, water gushed out, and i thought it was my urine. But damm it was a lot haha. I smelled it, no odour. Cannot be la.. i'm just 34weeks, that was what i said to myself. So i cleaned up, the moment i stepped out from the toilet, another gush happened. A lot i tell youuuu. Basah depan toilet macam banjir. I was panicking, so i grabbed a pad, wore it, and the third gush happened. Took another pad, wore it, and kept thinking ni air ketuban ke apa ek adoiiila lembabnya omak kau ni hahahah.
I lied down, and fourth gush happened, and that was then i decided to wake your dad up. He was so sleepy, so his response was slow, like it was not an emergency at all. I was so worried i would wet the bed, i jumped off it and fell down on the floor haha. Your dad freaked out, tetiba terus alert haha bagus hilang mamai terus haha. He packed my bag, while i was getting ready. Getting ready lah sangat, omak pakai kain batik je hahaha. Changed another pad, and off we went to the hospital. I wet your dad's car seat hahaha macam nak kering dah rasa air ketuban tu.
Sampai hospital, got myself checked, yuppp it was my water, so i was admitted straight away. Thank god there was a bed for me or else i might be asked to get to other hospital. They put me for observation, did vce tapi bukaan cuma 0.5cm haha. The rest you can read here.
So that's your birth story. I didn't get to see you on the day you were born. I was heavily sedated, and i was too weak, and visiting hour was over. Oh, you were admitted to nicu for conginetal pneumonia. You had difficulty breathing few minutes after you were out from me. You did not cry, and you couldn't breathe, i was so sad hearing the news. Rasa helpless sangat. But that didn't weaken me. I didn't cry, i rested well that night so i would have the strength to visit you the next day. Your father didn't take your picture because he said it was heartbreaking to see you with wires and tubes, and he didn't want me to be sad seeing that. Plus, i had my water leaked for days therefore there were risks of infection yada yada yada so they had to put you on antibiotic and observation.
I walked to nicu the next day, entah mana dapat kekuatan nak pergi tengok anak. Wheelchair takde yang available, so pelan-pelan jalan hihi. Sanggup. Demi anak. Masa sampai jumpa doktor, doktor explained your condition, tertelan-telan air liur sebab sedih tapi tak mahu nangis. You were so small, so fair, mata sepet. Seronok dapat sentuh anak mak, you responded by crying. Terkejut kot tangan gemuk muncul tetiba bahaha. Admitted on tuesday, discharged on monday. During your stay, i tried nursing you tapi susahnya ya Allah. Weeks later baru i know why it was so hard for both of us huu.
We brought you back on monday evening, and hospital set an appointment with kk the next day. that night you were restless. You had fever, which was not normal but since tomorrow was your check up, tokma and i took turns to sleep and checked your temperature. Next day, i was asked to take you to the hospital, and you were admitted again for presumed sepsis. You didn't have fever anymore, but your blood tests showed you had an infection. So again antibiotic was on. I would come after lunch and stayed until maghrib. Nursing you, changed your diapers, talking to you though you slept most times haha. You were discharged on sunday evening, after days of quiet nights you are finally home.
We named you muhammad ali. I have long loved the name ali, and so is your father. May you become as strong as muhammad ali, physically and in faith, and may you own the wisdom of khalifah ali r.a, that later would shape you into a good human being. Ingatlah anak ku, manners make a man. So be a man.
You are a premature baby, and you will always be my baby. Dah tua esok pun masih lagi bayi mak selamanya hihi. Mak sayang ali. There are a lot more to tell about our journey, but later it will be. We have gone through things together, mak harap ali kuat for more to come. A lot more is coming, but fret not i will be there for you, always. InsyaAllah.
p/s: renyahnya taip guna hp hahaha.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
5 october, 2015.
4 november, 2015.
26 october, they found another cyst on the right this time. so i went to putrajaya again to meet the specialist. and you know what? the cyst is big, and it is on the left pulak. 5cm x 7cm. 3 specialists concluded it's dermoid cyst, so next week, 13/11, i'll be undergoing a laparoscopic surgery to remove it. no wonder you are always on the right. must be hating the tight space shared with the cyst kan?
doctor said there is a chance of me losing you. i don't know what to feel, honestly. your father said kena redha. i redha sangat. it's just that i feel tired. so tired and i don't want it to be for nothing. but Allah knows best. He knows what is best for me. So my little baby, we will fight together, but if Allah says you are not going to make it, i'm fine don't you worry. you will be in good hands, i know.
i don't know what will come or be, but for sure i'll not give up fighting. be safe, my dear. and be strong.
2 december, 2015.
alhamdulillah, the surgery went well, despite the scars it gave me. and alhamdulillah, you are safe for now. doctors did all they could to protect you. i saw you twice, before i was allowed to be back home. at home, i rested well (most of the time lying down) because your father didn't allow me to move that much. all meals were bought by him, all i did was eating and sleeping. but thank god i didn't gain much weight hahaha. i went back to work a week after the surgery. i felt okay, but second week working now, i feel weak again. my nausea never goes away, and i am easily tired. and it doesn't help that my classes are pack, and programs are too many. i wish i can just sleep all day long. are you a boy, my dear? why you make me so lazy? hahaha. i have tons to settle, so till then baby. be safe in me.
23 march, 2015.
i'm 8 month (32 week) pregnant now. you are growing so well, my tummy feels so tight and cramped. my ribcage is expending, it hurts, you know. but that's okay. as long as you stay healthy and safe in me. i keep on bleeding for no reason. we thought we could be losing you but alhamdulillah, you are very strong. macam tak terkesan langsung heheh. since my last update, i have been admitted 3 times for observation, and once because they suspected i had renal stones/appendicitis. it was very very painful. thinking about how painful that was make me more scared to give birth hahaha. it makes me so anxious huhu. i haven't decided where i should give birth, though in my mind putrajaya would be easier since all my records are there.
all your things are almost ready. nothing fancy, my love. whatever we can afford la ye. bersederhanalah, anakku. kerana bersederhana itu lebih baik. not that we are not excited for your arrival, but there are other things we have to consider. so far you have been so kind to me. i didn't crave anything weird or fancy too. i don't have problems eating. i struggle to sleep but there are days when you let me sleep peacefully, so that's good enough for me. i've always wondered how it would feel to see your tummy moves, but now i got to experience it. is this the fun they always talked about? it surely is because it makes me giggle sebab geli sangat.
you would kick so hard when we watched movies. compared to few movies we watched, you kicked the hardest when we watched deadpool haha. your father wants to watch another war movie, 13 hours but i'm worried it may affect you somehow. but early exposure is good, eh? batman vs superman is out tomorrow. that's another movie we will be watching, so just enjoy the sound k baby?
we still keep your gender as a secret. there are many many things you need to consider in this life, my love. we are taking very careful steps in exposing details about you. not because we are not excited, but there are hearts to care, including ours. but we have picked your name long before we know your gender. nothing fancy, again. we wanted something traditional, and can be pronounced well by anyone in the world. so your name is very universal, and to some people can be controversial as well. but whatever it is my love, manners make a man.
i didn't tell much about my pregnancy journey on my blog, or on my ig. am i taking care of others' hearts too much, my love? but that's just your mother. i don't like to expose things that i know may be sensitive to others. let the happiness be between your dad and i. there are things i'm not happy with, like how others, including relatives say insensitive things to me though i'm trying my very best to be considerate, but i know there's nothing much i can do about it. biarlah Allah yang jaga kita, anakku. kita jaga niat kita, perbuatan kita dan selebihnya let Him decides what is best for us.
i can't wait to see you. but at the same time i wish i would have all the time to settle things. if i manage to finish my master, tok wan will be taking us to perth, you know? i'm dreaming of seeing you run at king's park. let's do this together ye anakku. till then, be safe my love. senget-senget perut ibu awak somersault kat dalam, but that's pure happiness nothing else. it means you are alive and doing okay hihi.
p/s: your femur length is longer that you GA. is that a sign you are having your father's trait?
Friday, May 20, 2016
eh lepas tu tengok tajuk entry, eh apa kaitan dengan postpartum blues ni ahahaha. well, aku tak ada masalah duduk rumah. cuma lately ni makin nak ke hujung macam arghhh bosannya tak ada sapa nak borak. laki aku balik tengahari mesti nak rehat, nak nap sebab malam pun tidur tak cukup. takkan nak kacau. aku selalunya akan tidur lepas dia pi opis. so tidurku cukup je cuma takdela lama macam zaman berdua hahaha. malam pulak, dia akan tertidur awal, aku masih dok berdendang sayang nak tidurkan anak haha. mungkin orang kata apalah laki dia tak teman, tapi honestlylaaaa bagi aku baik dia tidur sebab anak tetap tak nak dia pun, nak mengempeng dengan aku jugak haha. daripada aku dok tengok dia galak main hp lepas tu tersengih-sengih sorang-sorang lagi membara hati akakkk ni tau haha. padahal tersengih sebab main 9gag, aku dok pikiaq tah apa plak hahaha bongok betul emosi ibu beranak satu ni.
so yeah, pentingnya manusia untuk bercakap. aku sekarang dah pandai baby talk. dulu tak reti. siap dah pandai berlagu-lagu menyanyi hahahah well, babies make us do stupid things to calm them down.
sekarang nah rasakan, akulah mak yang comot dok menyanyi sambil berjoget untuk tenangkan anak. dan ye, bila basuh berak jugak ada lagu khas. hurmm i should consider being a composer hahahaha.
ok anak dah nanges. bai.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
welcome, my dear. life is gonna be tough, it's not gonna be easy but we never leave you alone. ecewah omputeh sangat.
semoga kamu menjadi anak yang baik. susahnya mak mengandung mabuk teruk, beranak semua.. kalau kamu menjawab, bentak-bentak kaki, hempas pintu, mak bentes kaki kamu okay hahaha. samsengnya mak kamu ni haha.
mak dengan ayah kamu kawan dah lama. kitorang geng. kalau kamu behave, tak banyak cengkadak kamu boleh join kitorang. kalau tak, babai la kamu duduk rumah je dengan tok ma ke dengan nenek haha. kitorang tak suka geng cengeng okay. semak otak asyik nangis je. nak jadi geng kena cool, emosi terkawal. entah kamu faham ke tak sebab kamu ni bayi lagi, mana reti hapa pun.
nanti nak tengok ayah kamu nak ke tak basuh berak kamu tu. mak nak buat-buat tido. silap-silap ayah kamu pun buat-buat tido, jenuhlah kamu bergelumang dengan poop sendiri hahaha. kamu jangan banyak songeh tau. mak nak sambung belajar lagi. nanti ayah kamu pulak nak sambung katanya. kita support je ayah kamu tu tau. mesti kena bagi semangat sebab sambung belajar sambil kerja ni susah huuuu.
kalau kamu boy, mak harap bior le tinggi macam ayah kamu. lelaki kalau kemetot macam tak best je hahaha. pompuan takpe, comel je kalau katik. eh janji kamu sihat la ye. kalau kamu boy, ayah kamu panggil kamu aboo. kalau girl, ayah kamu kata jameela. mak suka nama abdullah haq. kalau omputeh panggil, hulk. poyo betul bahahaha.
kalau tak pandai takpe. tapi jangan biadap kurang adab ye anakku. kalau pandai lagi bagus hahaha. ingat, kalau kamu biadap mak akan bagi jelingan maut berserta cubitan semut api. nahhh rasakan kamu. ni tokma ajar hahaha.
mak baru first time jadi mak. kamu pun baru first time jadi anak, kan? haha soalan apa ni. tapi mak nak cakap, sesamalah kita belajar ye. kalau mak lambat bagi susu, jangan kamu buat perangai kena dera ke hapa. hendaklah kamu bersabar dengan mak dan ayah kamu. dan begitulah juga bila kamu buat perangai, terpaksalah kami bersabar dengan kamu.
you scratch my back, i scratch your back. ayah kamu tu pepandailah dia nak beli penggaruk ke hapa hahahaha. ayah kamu kelakar orangnya. mak berganda lebih kelakar haha seronoknya puji diri sendiri. nanti kalau kamu baca ni, kamu mesti kata hek eleh anaknya lebih kelakar. ketahuilah, perangai suka memuji diri ini adalah bersifat keturunan, wahai anakku hahahaha.
dah, mak nak buat kerja. sejak mengandungkan kamu, mak jadi pemalas. harap kamu tak semalas ini. kalau malas jugak, ayah kamulah yang akan dipersalahkan haha tetiba je.
bye anakku. meh nak gusti sikit hikss.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
I am officially a mother now. Selamat beranak 12 april, 2016. Thanks to those yang mendoakan. Kami anak beranak alhamdulillah selamat. Baby masih di nicu sebab masih on antibiotik.
It was a tough journey. Since kandungan dianggap premature, doktor cuba nak cukupkan 35weeks, walaupun it meant cuma sehari je lagi. Tapi 35weeks meant it was on sunday, ramai doktor takde especially specialists. So they put me under observation and decided to start inducing process first thing in the morning on monday. First dose, after 6hours still no progress. Second dose was inserted, and after 6hours, another disappointment which zero os, and baby wasn't engaged. I was worried because it had been day 4 of my leaking problem, and it leaked continuously in a big amount. So when the doctor gave me two options - 3rd dose or opt for czer, i chose the latter.
Thing is, i was already in pain. Adding more dose heightened the risk of uterus rupture, and it also means the pain will double. Lepas tu kalau takde bukaan or still tak engage, kena operate pulak haha dah macam double the pain, and the waiting game was killing me because i was sickly worried. So takpelah, among the sacrifice i made for my unborn child. Zasss kita kasi potong!
Masuk ot, dengan contraction memang tak fun langsung. Boleh pulak time tu technician nak tukar lampu kat ot so lama gila la aku tunggu haha. Masuk je ot terus shaking macam hapa, lepas bius it was getting worse. I was trembling like crazy throughout the process, i couldn't focus on the arrival of my baby. What i knew was baby was out, but he wasn't immediately crying. Nak keluarkan baby pun pakai forcep, they seemed struggling macam baby sangkut cemana tah. Orang kata gegar-gegar perut. Ni bukan setakat gegar doktor memang korek perut sampai senak, sampai doktor kata eh susahnya huhu.
Dan nak jadi cerita, masa nak closing, i could suddenly feel apa diorang tengah buat. Macam sakit gila. Eh bukan ada bius ke? Rupanya bius tetiba membuat keputusan untuk menamatkan perkhidmatan maka tergodanglah aku menahan kesakitan dilapah hidup-hidup. Tak tahan, and i was panicking sebab the pain was untolerable, siap pakej muntah 2 kali, last-last diorang tidokan aku cissss dah dua kali kena bius. Aku kalau terlalu sakit memang akan muntah aneh eh? Hehehe.
Begitula serba sedikit perjalanan mengeluarkan seketul anak dari dalam perut. Tak berniat nak mengguris hati mana-mana pihak. Aku cuma nak cerita sakitnya nak mampusssss hahahaha terus tobat cakap kat laki cukuplah seketol saje. Konon nak tiga.. Sudah aku hapuskan cita-cita tersebut hahahahaha.
Baby boy, berat 2.4kg, panjang 47cm. Cukup sempurna masyaAllah alhamdulillah. Terima kasih, ya Allah untuk pinjaman yang sangat bernilai. Macam tak percaya nilah seketol anak manusia yang aku bawa dalam perut.
Talking about perut, bila perut nak kempis ni? Hahaha.
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Uols, air ketuban aku bocoq at 34 weeks 6 days, which happened this morning at 3am. And with that, i'll be induced this Monday if there's no problem with me and the baby. If there's any problem, emergency czer it is.
Doakan aku panjang nyawa, baby survive ye. Baby dikira premature, aku doa sangat dia tak perlu duk dalam incubator. Berat last scan 2.6kg. But nicu tu dah pasti la sebab dia kena diberi antibiotik sebagai langkah berjaga-jaga. Aduhai anak sabarlah sayang. Allah menduga kita, tapi kita mesti sabar.. Dan kepada Allah kita menggantung harap.
Aku banyak dosa, aku doa sungguh-sungguh aku masih ada peluang untuk berubah jadi hamba yang lebih baik. Aku mintak maaf kalau selama korang dok baca aku merapu, aku ada dok buat loqlaq cakap lebih kurang tercarutsss ke buat uols kecik hati ka. Maaf sangat-sangat, dan harap uols bermurah hati sudi nak doakan kami anak beranak.
Semoga baik-baik sahaja. Ya Allah, a mother i'm gonna be. Macam tak percaya baq hanggggg.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Tak boleh tidur sebab badan sakit-sakit, lepas tu asyik sesak nafas bila baring. Lepas tu cranky sebab mengantuk tapi tak dapat posisi yang sesuai dan selesa. Doktor kata memang ubatnya beranak je omg lama lagi niiii haha.
Semalam lepak dinner dengan abang ipar aku. Dapat perkhabaran one of our friends, membuyong macam aku jugak. Tapi dia one week ahead dari aku. Aku tahu dia memang dah lama trying to conceive, tapi ada masalah. But Allah is the greatest, dalam kondisi tiub fallopio dia bermasalah, lekat jugak.
Tapi Allah maha kaya, khabarnya baby dia bermasalah. Mungkin tak survive bila dilahirkan sebab lungs and brain tak well develop. Allah. Sedihnya.. Begitu sekali dia diuji. Aku salu envy dengan dia sebab orangnya cantik, bijak pandai sangat, dan orang ada-ada. Tapi lumrah menjadi hamba Allah, hidup pasti akan ada ujian dan dugaan.
Abang ipar aku cerita, masa dia bukak cerita dekat abang ipar aku tu, setitis airmata pun tak keluar. Tenang je dia bercakap. Sebab dia kata dia dah puas menangis, and dia dah redha. Kuatnya dia huhuhuuu. Dia tak siapkan apa-apa pun, cuma beli baju je untuk sambut baby. Abang ipar aku sangat sedih lantas beliau mengajak kawan kami tu pi shopping. Let it be a joyous moment when the baby arrives, he said. Selebihnya, hidup atau mati hanya Allah yang tahu, Dia yang menentukan.
Tu lah. Aku cuma nak cakap, sentiasa bersyukur despite waktu tu kau rasa itulah saat paling kelam dalam hidup kau. Sebab kat luar sana, ramai lagi yang turut diuji, tapi tak mengeluh. Redha, sabar, dan berserah.
So aku redha sangat tak dapat tidur ni ha. Duduklah main-main dalam perut ni sampai senget-senget dibuatnya, sakit-sakit rusuk, janji awak sihat bahagia dalam tu ye. Semoga ada bahagian yang baik-baik untuk aku nanti berkat bersabar wuuuu.