Tuesday, May 31, 2016

when you are real.

this is another scheduled entry, which i decide to post after the due date. you may not be able to read now, but perhaps when you are slightly older you would know how things happened, how you were in me once upon a time. i may not have much time to document every single thing, but that's okay. we could save that for our chit chat later. i love you, baby. i already love you though you are so so tiny in me. :)

5 october, 2015.

i decided to start telling about you once you are safe in our hands, or in simple words you are safely born (but we truly aware of to whom you belong to). so here is the story of how it all begins.

we were scared and shocked in the beginning, after knowing that you were inside me. but we welcome you with open hands and hearts, and my maternal instinct started to kick in the moment i saw you on the screen, and i almost cried when i heard your heart beating so fast and so strong. 

i have to admit, i was silly. i was overweight, and all i could think of was to shed off the extra kilos. so i bought slimming pills. it was not advised to take if i am pregnant, so to be sure, on 14 september 2015, i did UPT to confirm. it was negative, and i proceeded with the pills. there were effects - i lost my appetite completely even my favourite food couldn't make me eat, and i was so sick i felt nauseous all the time, and i became a sleepyhead, i could sleep while singing to your father - and i thought those were the effects of that bloody pills. i should be losing weight but i wasn't. little did i know, it was you. that i had already conceived you in my womb.

it was 28 september, the day before your father's birthday. we both took leave from work because i wanted to do pap-smear test at UiTM Selayang. it is far from our home, sweetheart. so your father decided to drive me there, and i was so happy because it was monday and we did not have to go to work like the others. traffic was bad, everything went bad and we were losing sanity already. we went to aeon kepong to have lunch, and to let you father enjoyed himself at the autocar shop or whatever they call it haha. then off we went to uitm.

while waiting, i was asked to fill a form, asking me questions that i thought were very challenging. your father waited for me downstairs, but we texted each other and had fun laughing at our silly jokes. i weighed myself, yet my weight maintained and i was so frustrated. i thought to myself - stupid pills haha silly, i know. still waiting, i almost dozed off on the chair, when my name was called. i was brought to a room, where more questions were asked.

when they asked me when was my last period, i told them it was irregular, i last had my period in july, which i thought was normal. one of the ladies said no, it wasn't, i should get myself checked though i might not be pregnant. i was so sure i wasn't pregnant because i already did the test and it was negative. she then asked me, do i feel strange? i said my boobs are extra big, but it happened each time i am about to get my period. it just didn't come yet. she then told me to do upt again, just to be safe, and she strongly felt i am pregnant. so i did. and guess what? that was how i knew i was pregnant. 

my ears were hot and i am sure they were red too, i was in disbelief. i mean, how could it happen? i didn't cry, because i was puzzled. and it was unexpected. i was there for something else, just to discover something else. but thank god it wasn't cancer hahaha. the appointment was then called off, we couldn't do it because i am pregnant. she advised me to buy a digital upt, so i could be more sure. i laughed all the way going down, your father waited for me in the car because he was sleepy. the moment i went in, he asked me how it was going and i told him i failed. 

he asked me why, and i told him that's because i'm pregnant. he went quiet and he looked worried. not the best response to give, but i took it as a sign he was as shocked as i was. in movies you would see people scream, cry or asking things in disbelief, but let's be realistic. we were so shocked we couldn't tell what's exactly was going on in our mind hahaa. we were stunned, and quiet for a while. it felt like time had stopped for us. OMG rasa tak percaya kauuuuu hahaa.

so, as to be more certain, we went to a mall, got the digital upt - the most expensive upt i've ever bought. i felt funny and sad when we wanted to buy the upt. it was freaking expensive - RM34.90, and your father and i spent some time counting the money we had. i was sad and worried, how could we support and provide for you but i brushed off the thought because i didn't want your father to see me sad. i know your father was worried too but he wouldn't share it with me. i just know him too well. but that didn't stop us from having fun hihi. so we watched a movie, shopped a little then we went home.

i did the test at home, and the small screen stated 3+, meaning that you have been in me for long but we didn't know. that i was sick because it was you telling us you were there. i confirmed my pregnancy the next day, 29 september, it was your father's birthday and you were the gift we both got. i got to see you, so small but the images were blurred, i still felt nothing extraordinary. i felt normal, i didn't feel pregnant despite my bad bad nausea. on saturday, 3 october, it was the first time i could really see your hands, and your feet, and i could hear your heart beating. the pictures were clearer, so that's it, that was how i accepted the news that i am now a mother though you are not born yet. 

you were 7 weeks 5 days, and i felt so sick i wondered how could you torture your mother so bad hahaha. entering 8th week, my nausea subsided and i am a happy woman again. but i cannot eat late, i must eat spicy food, and i love love love chips. like potato chips, nachos. if all this while i love to spray my whole body with perfume - yes i am crazy like that, do accept the fact your mother is insane hahaha, now i would just spray sufficiently, just so i don't make people around me being uncomfortable. 

we only told your tokma and nenek, and we wanted to make it a secret first. but later your father and i decided to tell your father's siblings. on your father's side, there is little pressure because you are not the first one. but on my side, after we lost rayyan - your cousin, cekna's baby, we are afraid to hurt her more. so we have to be a lot more careful, and it doesn't help that cekna is trying so hard to get a baby, but we got you. you will be the first grandchild, so that's a lot of pressure, i'm telling you.

so hang in there, baby. we'll get through this. you can make me as sick as you want, but i'll fight, just as much as you fight to be in my womb though i ate the stupid pills, and many other stupid things i did hahaha. stay strong, baby. your momma is fighting for you. i eat to survive though the thought of eating has made me feel uneasy. but anything for you. i'll update more of your progress, and this entry is going to be so so long, but that's okay. because i want to make everything fits in an entry. it is easier for me to recall. i'm old, my dear. when we get to see each other, i would be a year older. 

may Allah protect us both, and we could be together when the time comes. i love you, baby. i already love you though you are not born yet. be safe in there, everyone is excited to see you. so, till next time, baby. till next time.

22 october, 2015.

you are now 10 weeks, my dear. i have never been this sick. my morning sickness is the worst, you made me sleep in a sitting position and i've been lacking of sleep now hahah. i can't imagine how my third trimester is going to be like since the first is horrible already haha.

on week 9, the doctor found a cyst on the left. she said since it is quite big, she wanted me to check with the specialist. and last two days, it was getting smaller so nothing should be worried. i saw you dancing and kicking happily, alhamdulillah. be safe, dear. don't do anything stupid in there, okay? hahaha.

i already told my siblings last two weeks. as expected, cekna's is the hardest reaction to handle hehe. but i am sure she would love you so much. but i still didn't announce your existence to my colleagues, except for aunty ema and aunty efa. they treated us seafood at bagan lalang as to celebrate. and the day after, my morning sickness started to show its vengeance hahaha. so yeah, thank god we went there earlier.

i have lost 2.5kg to date. your father said he was sad to see me in this condition, but when i vomitted, he pretended to sleep hahaha sabar jelah. your father is the man who doesn't really express his feelings, so tak payahla nak terasa ke hapa hahaha. i just pray this phase passes as soon as possible. in november, we have many events to attend so we will be travelling. in my condition now, may Allah have mercy on me. be good in it, baby. i'll be seeing you again on 26 october. 

till then, be safe. and dance and kick as much as you want. you'll miss the space once you are getting bigger. :)

4 november, 2015.

26 october, they found another cyst on the right this time. so i went to putrajaya again to meet the specialist. and you know what? the cyst is big, and it is on the left pulak. 5cm x 7cm. 3 specialists concluded it's dermoid cyst, so next week, 13/11, i'll be undergoing a laparoscopic surgery to remove it. no wonder you are always on the right. must be hating the tight space shared with the cyst kan? 

doctor said there is a chance of me losing you. i don't know what to feel, honestly. your father said kena redha. i redha sangat. it's just that i feel tired. so tired and i don't want it to be for nothing. but Allah knows best. He knows what is best for me. So my little baby, we will fight together, but if Allah says you are not going to make it, i'm fine don't you worry. you will be in good hands, i know. 

i don't know what will come or be, but for sure i'll not give up fighting. be safe, my dear. and be strong. 

2 december, 2015.

alhamdulillah, the surgery went well, despite the scars it gave me. and alhamdulillah, you are safe for now. doctors did all they could to protect you. i saw you twice, before i was allowed to be back home. at home, i rested well (most of the time lying down) because your father didn't allow me to move that much. all meals were bought by him, all i did was eating and sleeping. but thank god i didn't gain much weight hahaha. i went back to work a week after the surgery. i felt okay, but second week working now, i feel weak again. my nausea never goes away, and i am easily tired. and it doesn't help that my classes are pack, and programs are too many. i wish i can just sleep all day long. are you a boy, my dear? why you make me so lazy? hahaha. i have tons to settle, so till then baby. be safe in me.

23 march, 2015.
i'm 8 month (32 week) pregnant now. you are growing so well, my tummy feels so tight and cramped. my ribcage is expending, it hurts, you know. but that's okay. as long as you stay healthy and safe in me. i keep on bleeding for no reason. we thought we could be losing you but alhamdulillah, you are very strong. macam tak terkesan langsung heheh. since my last update, i have been admitted 3 times for observation, and once because they suspected i had renal stones/appendicitis. it was very very painful. thinking about how painful that was make me more scared to give birth hahaha. it makes me so anxious huhu. i haven't decided where i should give birth, though in my mind putrajaya would be easier since all my records are there. 

all your things are almost ready. nothing fancy, my love. whatever we can afford la ye. bersederhanalah, anakku. kerana bersederhana itu lebih baik. not that we are not excited for your arrival, but there are other things we have to consider. so far you have been so kind to me. i didn't crave anything weird or fancy too. i don't have problems eating. i struggle to sleep but there are days when you let me sleep peacefully, so that's good enough for me. i've always wondered how it would feel to see your tummy moves, but now i got to experience it. is this the fun they always talked about? it surely is because it makes me giggle sebab geli sangat.

you would kick so hard when we watched movies. compared to few movies we watched, you kicked the hardest when we watched deadpool haha. your father wants to watch another war movie, 13 hours but i'm worried it may affect you somehow. but early exposure is good, eh? batman vs superman is out tomorrow. that's another movie we will be watching, so just enjoy the sound k baby? 

we still keep your gender as a secret. there are many many things you need to consider in this life, my love. we are taking very careful steps in exposing details about you. not because we are not excited, but there are hearts to care, including ours. but we have picked your name long before we know your gender. nothing fancy, again. we wanted something traditional, and can be pronounced well by anyone in the world. so your name is very universal, and to some people can be controversial as well. but whatever it is my love, manners make a man. 

i didn't tell much about my pregnancy journey on my blog, or on my ig. am i taking care of others' hearts too much, my love? but that's just your mother. i don't like to expose things that i know may be sensitive to others. let the happiness be between your dad and i. there are things i'm not happy with, like how others, including relatives say insensitive things to me though i'm trying my very best to be considerate, but i know there's nothing much i can do about it. biarlah Allah yang jaga kita, anakku. kita jaga niat kita, perbuatan kita dan selebihnya let Him decides what is best for us. 

i can't wait to see you. but at the same time i wish i would have all the time to settle things. if i manage to finish my master, tok wan will be taking us to perth, you know? i'm dreaming of seeing you run at king's park. let's do this together ye anakku. till then, be safe my love. senget-senget perut ibu awak somersault kat dalam, but that's pure happiness nothing else. it means you are alive and doing okay hihi.

p/s: your femur length is longer that you GA. is that a sign you are having your father's trait?

Friday, May 20, 2016

postpartum blues.

pantang berbaki seminggu lagi. well, honestly aku tidaklah begitu berpantang. mana yang basic jelah aku buat. dok sorang pun, bertemankan laki je. parents in law and mak aku dekat je, but for many reasons aku decide nak berpantang sendiri di rumah. first week, i stayed at my parents in law's house, sebab masih baru sangat nak naik turun tangga apartment. baby at nicu, so hari-hari akan pergi jenguk. parents in law takde, so laki aku yang jaga. mujur dia cuti seminggu.

lepas baby dapat keluar, which was a week after he was born, my mother came. she stayed with us for two weeks, but again, baby admitted second time to nicu, so the first week tu baby takda so tak rasa meriah sangat sebab sunyi tanpa tangisan bayi. i spent my day pumping and sleeping. tengahari je pergi hospital, malam baru balik. dah beranak almost tiga minggu baru aku berurut. memang sedap walaupun sakit nak mampus hahaha. 

tapi sebenarnya first week tu aku bentan sampai demam-demam, asal menjelang asar je akan start panas dalam badan dan menggigil-gigil lepas tu sakit nak mampus dekat ari-ari. tapi aku gagahkan jugak, buat-buat cool macam tak sakit sebab nak tengok anak. kalau buat-buat lemah nanti laki aku tak bagi pergi hospital haha. ada satu hari tu tak tahan sangat, menggagau carik tukang urut yang available, yang boleh datang sendiri sebab tukang urut aku book tu kena amik and hantar dia balik, which leceh la jugak hahaha. nasib jumpa, and berurutlah aku dari jam 10 sampai 1 pagi. malam tu buat pertama kalinya aku tidur lena tanpa terjaga. Allah, memang nikmat sangat sebab since pregnant memang tak pernah cukup tidur hihi.

perihal aku nak beranak ni macam huru hara jugak. laki aku sampai sekarang urat punggung masih tergeliat sebab lama sangat drive ke hulu ke hilir ulang alik sepital tengok bini, antar bini segala macam ahaha. aku tolong urut pun gagal jugak nak betulkan, takkan nak suruh tukang urut aku urut bontot dia pulak? haha memang mintak kena pijak dengan aku tu sampai urat tu elok balik hahaha.

aku patut baca journal, but as always ada je distractionsssss haihh. badan sakit ni sebab position masa menyusu tak betul. nantilah aku cerita pasal breastfeeding ni. banyakkkkk sangat Allah berikan aku dugaan untuk aku belajar macam-macam benda baru. and surprisingly, semua masalah tu bila aku google tak ramai pulak rakyat malaysia yang blog about it. 

nantilah. yang aku nak share ni macam melibatkan emosi sikit. bila dah tenang nanti aku tulis. till then, tadaaa.

eh lepas tu tengok tajuk entry, eh apa kaitan dengan postpartum blues ni ahahaha. well, aku tak ada masalah duduk rumah. cuma lately ni makin nak ke hujung macam arghhh bosannya tak ada sapa nak borak. laki aku balik tengahari mesti nak rehat, nak nap sebab malam pun tidur tak cukup. takkan nak kacau. aku selalunya akan tidur lepas dia pi opis. so tidurku cukup je cuma takdela lama macam zaman berdua hahaha. malam pulak, dia akan tertidur awal, aku masih dok berdendang sayang nak tidurkan anak haha. mungkin orang kata apalah laki dia tak teman, tapi honestlylaaaa bagi aku baik dia tidur sebab anak tetap tak nak dia pun, nak mengempeng dengan aku jugak haha. daripada aku dok tengok dia galak main hp lepas tu tersengih-sengih sorang-sorang lagi membara hati akakkk ni tau haha. padahal tersengih sebab main 9gag, aku dok pikiaq tah apa plak hahaha bongok betul emosi ibu beranak satu ni.

so yeah, pentingnya manusia untuk bercakap. aku sekarang dah pandai baby talk. dulu tak reti. siap dah pandai berlagu-lagu menyanyi hahahah well, babies make us do stupid things to calm them down.

sekarang nah rasakan, akulah mak yang comot dok menyanyi sambil berjoget untuk tenangkan anak. dan ye, bila basuh berak jugak ada lagu khas. hurmm i should consider being a composer hahahaha.

ok anak dah nanges. bai.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

welcome to the world, my dear.

this is a scheduled entry. the moment this entry is posted, you may have arrived to this world. 15/05/2016, is the due date given to me by the doctor.

welcome, my dear. life is gonna be tough, it's not gonna be easy but we never leave you alone. ecewah omputeh sangat.

semoga kamu menjadi anak yang baik. susahnya mak mengandung mabuk teruk, beranak semua.. kalau kamu menjawab, bentak-bentak kaki, hempas pintu, mak bentes kaki kamu okay hahaha. samsengnya mak kamu ni haha.

mak dengan ayah kamu kawan dah lama. kitorang geng. kalau kamu behave, tak banyak cengkadak kamu boleh join kitorang. kalau tak, babai la kamu duduk rumah je dengan tok ma ke dengan nenek haha. kitorang tak suka geng cengeng okay. semak otak asyik nangis je. nak jadi geng kena cool, emosi terkawal. entah kamu faham ke tak sebab kamu ni bayi lagi, mana reti hapa pun. 

nanti nak tengok ayah kamu nak ke tak basuh berak kamu tu. mak nak buat-buat tido. silap-silap ayah kamu pun buat-buat tido, jenuhlah kamu bergelumang dengan poop sendiri hahaha. kamu jangan banyak songeh tau. mak nak sambung belajar lagi. nanti ayah kamu pulak nak sambung katanya. kita support je ayah kamu tu tau. mesti kena bagi semangat sebab sambung belajar sambil kerja ni susah huuuu.

kalau kamu boy, mak harap bior le tinggi macam ayah kamu. lelaki kalau kemetot macam tak best je hahaha. pompuan takpe, comel je kalau katik. eh janji kamu sihat la ye. kalau kamu boy, ayah kamu panggil kamu aboo. kalau girl, ayah kamu kata jameela. mak suka nama abdullah haq. kalau omputeh panggil, hulk. poyo betul bahahaha.

kalau tak pandai takpe. tapi jangan biadap kurang adab ye anakku. kalau pandai lagi bagus hahaha. ingat, kalau kamu biadap mak akan bagi jelingan maut berserta cubitan semut api. nahhh rasakan kamu. ni tokma ajar hahaha. 

mak baru first time jadi mak. kamu pun baru first time jadi anak, kan? haha soalan apa ni. tapi mak nak cakap, sesamalah kita belajar ye. kalau mak lambat bagi susu, jangan kamu buat perangai kena dera ke hapa. hendaklah kamu bersabar dengan mak dan ayah kamu. dan begitulah juga bila kamu buat perangai, terpaksalah kami bersabar dengan kamu.

you scratch my back, i scratch your back. ayah kamu tu pepandailah dia nak beli penggaruk ke hapa hahahaha. ayah kamu kelakar orangnya. mak berganda lebih kelakar haha seronoknya puji diri sendiri. nanti kalau kamu baca ni, kamu mesti kata hek eleh anaknya lebih kelakar. ketahuilah, perangai suka memuji diri ini adalah bersifat keturunan, wahai anakku hahahaha.

dah, mak nak buat kerja. sejak mengandungkan kamu, mak jadi pemalas. harap kamu tak semalas ini. kalau malas jugak, ayah kamulah yang akan dipersalahkan haha tetiba je.

bye anakku. meh nak gusti sikit hikss.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

susah ke jadi mak?

susah sebab constantly susah hati fikir anak.

takut tersedak.
takut tak cukup susu.
ni panas sangat ke?
ke sejuk sangat?
patut pakai selimut ke tak?
betul ke macam ni?
ke kena macam ni?
eh ke macam ni lagi ok?


rasakan sekarang. tak cukup tidur, buah dada sakit bagai dicabul hahahahaha. anakku penyonyot tegar. suka sangat with my boobs. macam ubat penenang. macam dadah. 

yang maknya dah macam penagih dadah haha. mata bengkak tak cukup tidur but i enjoy every second being a mother. esok dah sebulan usia anak. cepatnya masa berlalu. so many things to write about our journey. 

anak i admitted nicu twice you know... and both were without me. hospital putrajaya tak boleh room in. kesannya anakku semacam sedih aje bila tidur malam. selalu menangis dalam tidur. semacam trauma. nantilah cerita hihi.

beranak tu sakit. normal ke czer ke masih sakit. tapi semangat kena kental bila jadi mak. hari-hari berulang ke nicu, nak susukan anak. anak tak reti latching, mak sanggup lukakan puting janji anak makan.  sanggup duduk di lantai surau yang sejuk untuk mengepam, supaya anak tak kelaparan. teruskan berjalan walaupun bentan, sakitnya tuhan je yang tahu. demi anak. kasihnya mak. sekarang dah jadi mak baru faham. patutlah bila anak menjawab mak-mak boleh luruh airmata. tak ada sakit yang lebih teruk daripada melihat anak biadap dengan kita. ishh.

i am still adapting. setiap hari adalah hari untuk terus belajar menjadi emak. no manuals can help, the only way is to go through it, and getting to know and understand each other. cara ni tak okay, buat cara lain sampai okay.

susah. tapi puas. :)