almost two years. wow.

hello.

it really has been a while eh. i was heavily pregnant last time i was here. ranting about working from home... to which still the same today haha. but, buttt.... nurseries and kindergartens operate as usual, so somehow i should be sane now. but nope. something bothers my mind. well, not just something. a lot of things. like A LOT.

where else would i turn to if not this blog if i need to pour all the dark thoughts. my safe place. where i can actually be myself. hopefully. not sure who will be reading this, but thats ok. i dont write to be read. more like a peaceful escapism since certain of my thoughts are too sensitive to be handled by many.

i should be writing my project paper. ahhh.... the main cause of my anxiety right now. i just could not find the mojo. it's so dreadful. not knowing where to begin with, and the fact that each time it is rejected, it makes me believe i am stupid? not something i wish to have in mind, anyway. i did my masters back then, and quit after i lost my motivation. and then i started again, and now i'm losing it. do i really want it? i dont know man.... this seems so hard to tell. partially i want it so hard... another part is telling me that i'm not cut for this. i dont see myself doing phd. i dont see myself moving to another institution. but hell, i've been here for almost 13years. i'm too comfortable being where i am now. but i am answerable to many. haih. why la dragging myself into this shit.

my daughter (my second born) is almost two this year. i think i've been unfair to her because i never write about her existence. but come to think about it - this blog is where i let go my negative feelings. so thats good, right? she's not supposed to be by emotional burden? but i cant deny - she is so different than her brother. i dont intend to compare but cant help it to do so. so fiery, determined, strong headed.... and full of energy. the first three points are so - me. but the energy part... i donno. i'm just so tired these days.

so many things going on my mind right now. so so many things. i should be writing my project paper. i MUST complete it. please la. i just want to put an end to it.