the many thoughts.

i have so many things on my mind, on my plate yet here i am trying to write down as to calm myself. i blame the caffeine i had this morning as it makes my heart pumps like there's no tomorrow. i should have stopped drinking coffee. i actually did, but my supply of vico is gone so here i am, back to square one.

i've stopped drinking milo for so long. it is now tasted weird in my mouth. plus with the boycotting going on, i find it even easier to leave it out from my available options. but i still have a huge packet of milo given right before the fasting month - what should i do with it? huhu.

i was actually a huge fan of mcd. i had been craving for its porridge since before fasting but up till now i still didn't get to taste it - and the boycotting then starts so bye bye mcd hihi. i love the fries, the spicy chicken mcdeluxe burger, the nuggets; but those were unhealthy btw, so again, bye bye mcd.

i rarely open up myself to others. when i did so it means a lot to me. and i loathe those who make lies part of their blood and veins. why can't you live without lying and excuses? stop explaining things to me; none of what you say can be trusted. so yeah, for now i am just playing the game of pretending i am okay with you but truth is i feel like not talking to you at all. 

i feel like giving up my study. but doing so will involve so many people and it will be an ugly and awkward moment that i have to go through till the end of my life. i have just lost the momentum, to be honest. i don't know where to start and how to begin. i am just lost. i can't kill myself; that's insane and sinful. i cannot run away yet i cannot move on. i feel like getting myself pregnant so that can be a great excuse to put everything to halt.

i don't even feel like going to work. i don't feel like working. all i want to do is sleeping. am i in depression? what is wrong with me? i don't feel like doing anything at all. i would just stare on the screen for hours, my brain froze. i just feel like giving up.

what the hell is wrong with me?

i used to be so motivated. so energetic. so lively. but now? even the undying and the undivided love from husband cant do much for me. i feel like dying more knowing the fact he is fully supportive and understanding and less demanding.

shiiiiitttttt. what should i do?