Tuesday, August 12, 2014

the many thoughts.

i have so many things on my mind, on my plate yet here i am trying to write down as to calm myself. i blame the caffeine i had this morning as it makes my heart pumps like there's no tomorrow. i should have stopped drinking coffee. i actually did, but my supply of vico is gone so here i am, back to square one.

i've stopped drinking milo for so long. it is now tasted weird in my mouth. plus with the boycotting going on, i find it even easier to leave it out from my available options. but i still have a huge packet of milo given right before the fasting month - what should i do with it? huhu.

i was actually a huge fan of mcd. i had been craving for its porridge since before fasting but up till now i still didn't get to taste it - and the boycotting then starts so bye bye mcd hihi. i love the fries, the spicy chicken mcdeluxe burger, the nuggets; but those were unhealthy btw, so again, bye bye mcd.

i rarely open up myself to others. when i did so it means a lot to me. and i loathe those who make lies part of their blood and veins. why can't you live without lying and excuses? stop explaining things to me; none of what you say can be trusted. so yeah, for now i am just playing the game of pretending i am okay with you but truth is i feel like not talking to you at all. 

i feel like giving up my study. but doing so will involve so many people and it will be an ugly and awkward moment that i have to go through till the end of my life. i have just lost the momentum, to be honest. i don't know where to start and how to begin. i am just lost. i can't kill myself; that's insane and sinful. i cannot run away yet i cannot move on. i feel like getting myself pregnant so that can be a great excuse to put everything to halt.

i don't even feel like going to work. i don't feel like working. all i want to do is sleeping. am i in depression? what is wrong with me? i don't feel like doing anything at all. i would just stare on the screen for hours, my brain froze. i just feel like giving up.

what the hell is wrong with me?

i used to be so motivated. so energetic. so lively. but now? even the undying and the undivided love from husband cant do much for me. i feel like dying more knowing the fact he is fully supportive and understanding and less demanding.

shiiiiitttttt. what should i do?


  1. I was doing part time study too. memang rasa nak nangis and menyesal. bukan sebab penat je tapi counting how many occasions and events (termasuklah solat tarawikh kat masjid) yang terpaksa ditinggalkan sebab asik ada class, assignment and exam je. my classes on weekdays. nak dekat habis lagi rasa malas and stress. tapi kuatkan semangat jugaklah. now dah habis rasa relieved sangat. orang lain x kan paham stress keje sambil belajar. tu x termasuk kiasu nak score paper lagi. hah!

    1. jelesnya dah habis hihi. doakan i pulak ye. tulahhh, orang tak faham kepenatan belajar sambil bekerja. boleh pulak sound2 macam2. memang makan dalam jela jawabnya hihi!