anak yang dipinjamkan sebentar.

siapa sangka, dalam kita merasakan kita bijak mengatur hidup, kita sebenarnya bukan siapa-siapa. sekelip mata, kalau Allah kata bukan - bukanlah jawabnya. ya Allah, sesungguhnya kalau bukan kerana iman di dada, pasti kini aku tersungkur menyembah bumi dengan rasa yang paling palat.

tahukah kalian, aku kehilangan anak saudara semalam? eh mestilah tak tahu sebab ni baru aku nak habaq huhuhu. tapi sebelum aku ceritakan lebih lanjut, aku nak mulakan dengan cerita pasal kakak aku. aku jarang bercerita pasal keluarga - it's a subject i refuse or try to avoid, tapi this time aku terasa nak cerita kat sini. just as a living proof bahawa sejauh mana kita diuji, ketahuilah bahawasanya masih ada yang lebih hebat teruji. it is going to be a very, very long entry. 

kakak aku, my only sister i have. kakak yang memang tak pernah sebulu, garang yang amat hahaha. but one thing about my sister, dia sangat protective dengan adik-adik dia. biar dia bantai kami, takpe. tapi kalau ada orang cuit kami siaplahhhh memang you have just awoken a lioness la. tapi yelah, sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit, inikan pulak adik beradik. adik beradik manalah yang tidak bercakaran, ye dak? hidup dia sentiasa teruji. ada masa, kerana kebodohan dia sendiri dalam membuat keputusan. ada masa, memang aku rasa dia menerima ujian yang maha hebat.

tahukah kalian, kakak aku ini ibarat robot? sebab begitu banyak kali dibedah. pernah satu ketika, kakak aku jatuh di waterfall. aku tak ingat sangat kronologi kejadian, yang aku ingat akibat itu kakak aku mengalami masalah lutut dan tulang belakang. tempurung lutut sentiasa lari-lari, sampai satu tahap kena bedah masukkan apatah aku tak ingat. tak cukup tu, slipped disc tu dah operate untuk correction. 

she got married in 2009. four years ago, tulang mula menghimpit saraf, dan kakak aku hilang upaya untuk berjalan. emergency surgery needed, 8 batang skru dimasukkan. she was paralysed dari pinggang ke bawah. took her years untuk berjalan semula dengan baik. masih, belum boleh mengandung kerana kakak aku diabetic. dan dia overweight. sanggup jadi tikus makmal universiti - buat gastric bypass sebab doktor kata boleh kurangkan masalah diabetic, dan memberikan dia harapan untuk mengandung. kakak aku separa mati, sebulan di hospital. i still remember it was ramadhan. devastated by my dad's lost - though it was already years ago, we were so scared of losing her. doctor said it was just 50-50 chances. but she made it, alhamdulillah. she gained back her health, and got pregnant much later. just few weeks, kemudian keguguran. sedih, but she was so strong, she continued life like nothing happened. 

and this year, she got pregnant again. and she was so happy, she did everything she could to protect the baby. cut it short, she delivered the baby by c-sect on 5 nov, 2014 - lepas dah kena induce 4 kali, still laluan tak terbuka. i asked her, why 4 times? why not after two je? why wait until 4? she said, kalau c-sect pun high risk, looking at her medical records. and dia nak cuba beranak normal, sebab although high risk for her, it was still lower than c-sect. Jawapan dia - aku sanggup mati, demi nak bagi suami aku zuriat. sanggup. they had been waiting for so long, and she said it is a gift for her husband. although the price could be her life. 

the baby was fine, and healthy. we were so happy to welcome him. yes, he was a boy. everyone was happy for my sister, her husband, and their baby. muhammad ammar rayyan, nama diberi. sihat walafiat, kuning sikit tapi tak serius. ditatang, disayang dengan sepenuh hati. cucu sulung keluarga kami. selepas 5 tahun kami tunggu.  tapi Allah maha mengetahui. 2.30 pagi semalam, i got a call from my younger brother saying baby rayyan was gone. anak kakak aku dah takde. i had just visited them on saturday - ini mimpi ke apa ni? allahuakbar. allahuakbar.

i was not there when it happened. there were only mom, youngest sister, kakak aku and her husband. and what i wrote here is merely what i got from my youngest sister. kakak aku datang ketuk pintu bilik adik aku, and my mom woke up to open the door - she only said one thing to my mom - anak kaklong... mom frantically went to their room, the baby was pale, and the nose bled. thinking of nothing - mom and sister's husband tried to do cpr - still no pulse, then frantically ran out to the car - after calling the ambulance was failed. so much thing to say about this, later. mom even forgot her headscarf because she was so panic. youngest sister stayed with kakak aku, to calm her down. but how can you calm a mother who was about to lose her child?

mom told me, abang ipar aku kept on wailing 'ya allah selamatkan anak aku, ya allahhhh', so many times she cried telling me this. he was so desperate when they arrived at the clinic - asking for help. mom cried 'tolong, tolong cucu makcik' and mom said, the staff and the doctor were not helpful. doctor said baby was gone 10 minutes ago - but couldn't tell the cause. so police were called. police came, and they wanted mother of the baby to testify.  her husband went back to take her with him. and there she was, badly shaking, and crying for what she had to hear.  i went to the clinic, because i had just arrived. i thought they were still questioned at the clinic, but they had to be brought to the police station because the cause of death was unidentified, that it was a sudden death. and they had to do post mortem on the baby, or else sijil kematian tak boleh dikeluarkan. klinik tak bagi aku balik sebab kena setelkan rm32 for what they claimed 'rawatan dan perubatan' though they actually did nothing. aku memang boleh bayar, but seriously? you did nothing kot. just angkat stethoscope to check the heartbeat and that cost me rm32? tapi aku malas nak cakap, aku diam je. doctor tu pulak menambah 'bukan saya yang nak cas, bos saya suruh'. ee ada gak aku tampar doktor ni kang. apa klinik ni takde CSR policy ke you demmitttttt.

kami menolak nak post mortem tapi it was the procedure. nak tanak kena mengalah. tapi sesungguhnya, Allah nak bantu kakak aku. akak aku ingat dia tertidur sambil menyusukan; that her baby died because of her clumsiness. she kept on apologizing, telling that she had disappointed her husband and his family. that she was a bad mother. if only she didn't fall asleep, it wouldn't happen to the baby. she blamed herself for her baby's passing. hasil keputusan post mortem kata bayi tidak lemas, mahupun tersedak susu. at least, she doesn't have to blame herself anymore. we are still waiting until now the lab report.

kakak aku, darah daging aku. luluh rasa tengok how helpless she was, hugging the no-longer-breathing baby tightly. it was my nephew. my first ever nephew he would be. beratnya dugaan yang kau beri pada kakak aku, ya Allah. aku tak minta banyak. for those who is reading this, aku mohon kalian doakan kakak aku diberikan kekuatan dan kesihatan yang baik. i am not worried about the baby. he was sinless. he was already in heaven. mak aku juga sangat terkesan, because she is also a mother. 

second death in the family - yet we are not ready. kesakitannya bertambah. muhammad ammar rayyan, dikebumikan on top of my dad. dalam satu kubur yang sama. baby rayyan, is what we will always remember.

p/s: aku sepatutnya masuk kerja semalam, tapi kerana hal ini maka aku ambil emergency leave. my lady boss dah selamat pergi umrah - ada lagi satu lady boss suruh masuk kerja petang semalam. though i had told aku kematian anak saudara. how heartless more can you be? like seriously? ini bukan masalah nak persetankan ke tanak, ini memang setan nama dia. i could just pray you taste the death yourself, but that would make me as low as them. so, yeah - aku doakan kau mendapat keampunan dan hidayah. Allah maha adil.