how can we not be materialistic nowadays.

kadang-kadang aku rasa kehidupan saja mahu menguji kedudukan kewangan aku.
mula-mula bateri kereta kongkingkong.
kemudian laptop buat hal.
duit duit duit.
eeeeee.

between broadband that sucks and the stupid wifi.

i'm in torn between staying with the wifi provided by my apartment or opt for a broadband service from celcom. both have the equal amount of pros and cons so again, i don't know what to choose. both offer super slow internet services so i think either one is not good for my temper so why bother to choose, anyway.

by the way, i've been living in this small apartment for more than two years and i love it to the max.

until today. not that i fall out of love with it, it's just that i'm unhappy with the space.

i find it so hard to keep my home tidy because it is just wayyyy toooo smaaaaaall for my stuff. yeah, staying alone with no cats (tetiba) but hell too much things to keep. and i guess this happens because i don't have proper almari. i don't have even one cupboard or a proper wardrobe - funny heh.

i did buy things from ikea like penyidai lekat kat dinding (what the what i can't think of the name of it), and i have open shelves. in my bedroom i have a queen bed, but i'm staying alone so now tell me why the bed is here, again. i'm thinking of using my single bed that i put in the third bedroom. but i love the big space my bed offers as i can just roll wherever i love on it and not worried of falling teheeeee.

but at the same time, if nothing comes wrong (god forbids, please), i'm going to embark (ececeh vocab tak menahan) on an adventurous journey which is becoming a student again so i need a place to do my work and study. no more on the bed, like before because my back is killing me softly (now the song keeps on playing in my head - killing me softly.. killing me softly.. with his songggggg wth).

and i hate the color of my bed. who would want to sleep on a maroon frame bed, huh? white or black is awesome so might want to paint it if possible. and my study desk - crap. since i don't own a dressing table - everything lays on it. and to make it worse, my home is super prone to dust as i'm living on the first floor where most of my windows and open kitchen are facing the parking lots. 

and i tell you, i just had a nose surgery so dust is the last thing i wish to suck in. haih so many things i can't live with yet that's what i have around me. i can't eat a lot of foods but that doesn't bother me at all. but not dust. it's killing me softly again dammm can this song just stop?

i wish i can spend some money to keep my things organized. and i want someone to help, if possible. to help me decide of things i shouldn't keep. bahahahaha i'm such a collector. i know there's a name of it but can't figure it out for now.

time to go. my home is a mess. but thank god i have a boyfriend who cares to buy me chocolates so it keeps me full at least for a while. so chocolates, here i come. muahhhhhhhxxxxxxxx.

what's going on?

i feel so confused. it has never happened before. i thought i would be happy, cherish it as it happens. but i'm not. i am super duper confused. and scared. and embarrassed. feel so humiliated. i hate myself. i no longer feel like doing it for the fear and confusion. 

what's wrong with me?

nikmat.

alhamdulillah, the surgery was a success. now i can breathe easier and i'm enjoying every breath i take ecececeh dah macam lirik lagu pula. but then, it's very true because i had been living with breathing difficulty for ages and the day i got back my nose, i couldn't be less grateful. btw sayang, tenkiu sebab susah payah antar amik i dari sepitel, and hantarkan barang i request hik3.

during my stay at the hospital, mama mentioned about the gold necklace i got from nenek. i don't really fancy gold, the only gold item on me is the necklace given by nenek when i was little. and she gave another when i was a teenager. a very long one, like old folks would wear. problem is, i'm not that old bahahaha. mama wanted me to keep it myself, to wear it of course. but then since i'm not a gold fan - i'm thinking of having it in a different look.

macam sayang come to think it's a gift. but kalau tak pakai pun rugi juge. terfikir how can i turn the necklace into something modern and suits my taste. hurmmm maybe should make it into bangles. maybe turn it to become like this:

 

hihihihi ini je yang aku jumpa berkenan. lain tu so indians la pulok.

hurmmmm.... tapi tetiba gatai pergi browse gambar cincin. so marilah layan gambar cincin idaman hik3.

 

simple things work best with me. in fact, aku tak rigid sangat pasal cincin especially for wedding. whatever he likes and chooses, i would just wear it. lagipun itu kan cincin kahwin - a gift from him i suppose so i'll wear what he wants me to. janji kahwin la labooooooo keh3.

hihi tapi rantai nenek walaupun it's a gift tetap aku ada love hate relationship ngan nenek so it's different. bahahahahaa. bye.

stress.

aku tabik spring untuk sesiapa yang boleh baca dan faham menatang di bawah ini:

first line - impurtet? wth beb.

tell me, what is wrong with our education system? zero english. whose fault it is?

gimme a break.

i feel like going away for a while. sangat penat tubuh dan emosi. hihii teringin nak bercuti ke pulau tapi... tapi... pejadah pulak nak pergi sorang-sorang keh3. tadi petang aku ada entri lain nak tulis. tapi aku rasa, sudah-sudahlah tu. tak guna aku meratapi hal yang di luar kawalan aku. 

aku cuma nak cakap, aku faham jua akhirnya kenapa aku begitu mudah lembut hati. because i want to please everyone. i long for recognition, attention and appreciation. and that longing haunts me forever. aku berdoa agar aku tiada lagi perasaan begitu kerana each time things didn't happen the way i wish them to be - akulah insan yang paling sedih di muka bumi ini ececeh dasar drama queen.

aku faham bila kekasih bimbang anak-anak kami akan jadi mangsa. now i get it. i can't promise you anything, but i know i would do something about it. just gimme the time. and love me as much as you can. i just want to be loved. i miss papa terribly because when he was around, he splurged me with what i wanted. attention and recognition. and now he's gone.

there goes everything. it's weird how i can be very cheerful on the outside but only God knows the turmoil within. bila fikir-fikir aku neh dah takde bapak, anak yatim, macam sedih pun ada padahal dah tua bangka bahahaaaa move on la beb wehh. btw, thank you to my best friend sebab selalu ada when i'm on top and when i'm not on top ehem ehhhemmmm tah hapa aku merepek neh hahahaa.

tetiba aku nak buat perancangan bajet kahwin. tapi idok le malam neh. aku banyak benor keja minggu neh phewwwww.

adakah aku yang ketinggalan?

makin lama makin merapu aku tengok idea perkahwinan orang melayu neh. dah sangat kebaratan. aku tak suka because benda yang dijadikan kebiasaan dan amalan akan menjadi tradisi. dan aku sangat membenci tradisi membazir neh. sungguh tak menepati kehendak aku berumahtangga yang seharusnya dimulakan dengan majlis keraian yang sederhana tetapi penuh berkat.

bukanlah aku kata majlis orang tak ada keberkatan, tapi fikir-fikirlah. apa guna menjadi bridezilla untuk benda yang tak termasuk dalam rukun nikah pun. semata tiada walkway yang dijanjikan atau diimpikan, tiada guestbook, tiada pelamin yang diidamkan, baju tak menepati citarasa sebenar yadaa yadaaa yadaaaa. ye, aku pun ada impian perkahwinan yang aku mahu.

tapi beragaklah bila bermimpi. tak semua dilahirkan dalam sangkar emas. dan adakalanya dunia ini tidak adil. kita mula bekerja dengan berhutang sana sini. maknanya kita masih belum mampu hidup mewah. jadi tak perlu susah-susah mengimpikan perkahwinan gah gilang-gemilang, berhabis bagai  nak rak walhal memang sedari awal tidak mampu.

dan jujurnya, aku tak rasa cantik mana pun idea meniru orang barat sangat neh. lagi menambah kerja aku lagi adalah. just to think of the things i have to settle to get married pun aku dah semak. ini pula kerja-kerja yang kalau tak ada pun majlis tak jejas.

we sometimes let ourselves go for our dreams too much. sometimes, there are not even dreams. there are just absurd wishes. :)

aku tak mahu jadi hero.

kadang aku terfikir seronoknya menjadi anak sulung. kalau dulu orang mungkin kata anak sulung neh, kesian sebab selalu kena mengalah. tapi entah kenapa macam tak applicable untuk kehidupan aku.

yang sulung dapat semua benda baru dan berjenama. kasut sekolah jenama mahal sebab alasan kaki besar jadi kasut tak ada saiz. baju sentiasa berganti sebab katanya kuat peluh. tapi dalam keluarga aku yang dicop busuk jadi kenapa baju aku tak berganti-ganti pun hihi tetibe je.

entah terlalu banyak untuk aku senaraikan kelebihan menjadi anak sulung dalam keluarga aku. aku menulis ini pun bukan sebab aku dengki atau berhasad dengki cuma sedikit terkilan. aku sibuk-sibuk nak sambung pelajaran, tak ada siapa pun yang offer nak tolong bayarkan yuran. laptop baru lagilah jangan beranganlah kan. baru sebut nanti kena bayar yuran je terus keluar cerita betapa susahnya hidup. agaknya kalau aku minta bantuan entah apa cerita pula ada nanti kui3.

tapi yelah, aku ini kerjanya hebat. gajinya banyak. hidup seorang tak ada tanggungan. hidup senang lenang. hihi seronoknya kalau papa masih ada hik3.

i'm already a winner no matter what.

tomorrow is the day that i will be speaking to the faces i don't even know. i'm anxious, but i'm going to beat it, as always. hope everything works fine and i'll have fun and they will have fun as well. three hours, beb.

to not faint is good enough. to have fun is blessed. to things turn up right is grateful. let's rock the audience tomorrow!

there are times i feel like giving up.

sebelum aku dapat masuk belajar, aku kena attend temuduga dulu. antara soalan yang ditanya adalah tentang kesanggupan aku mengajar di ceruk hulu tanpa dibayar sesen pun. aku laju je jawab sebab sejujurnya, aku memang tak kisah. bak kata orang, dalam hati ada niat baik nak berbakti pada anak bangsa ecececehhhhh.

tapi lepas hampir dua tahun mengajar di tempat sama, letihnya bukan kepalang. letih sebab kualiti pelajar semakin menurun. seriously, i miss my old asasi students. batch yang first time aku ajar. terangnya hati mereka, ya Allah. ada perumpamaan berkata, if they don't learn the way we teach, teach the way they learn. 

the barrier is, if i focus too much on the way they learn that appears to be like a snail sleeping for three years fact - i can't cover the syllabus on time. they are super duper slow, or perhaps i should say zero. as if bahasa inggeris adalah bahasa yang datang dari neraka; no one has ever met or encounter with the language. 

arrgghhhh. entry ini terhasil akibat kekecewaan yang amat sangat. aku sayang students aku, no doubt but even parents sometimes hate their children. it's kinda love hate relationship. i hate my students for not listening and practising what i've told them. degil. super duper degil, that is.

ini bukan tahap kau nak gelak bila baca esei mereka. no more ooohhh aaaahhh comelnyeeeee type of essays i tell you. they are giving you depression on your face. haiiiiiiihhhhhhhh. stress. who on earth would write 'break brain' that actually means merosakkan minda?

and yeah. my student wrote 'fuck your facebook' yang bermaksud memasuki facebook anda. WTH. seriously? serioussssly??? when i asked her, she said in her dictionary fuck means memasuki.

shall i say, 'fuck you, dictionary' now?

who should i blame, students or dictionary?

nyum3.

lately rajin main google cari gambar. suka gila dengan wedgessssss.

 

 

 

 cantiiiikkkkkk. hik3.

do you know how it feels? when you love something so badly?

i'm just soooo into grey and yellow. weird, that's what mama calls me. but i love it. even chose it for my hantaran theme. crazy, i know. but can't help myself from falling in love with these colours. sooooo pretty. lets look at all of these pictures and please put up your hand if you agree that the colours are awesome~

beautiful, aren't they? let's see if i can come out with awesome hantaran decorations with these awesome colours.

*credit to google for all photos.

angan-angan yang murni.

berikut adalah barangan yang aku angan-angankan berada di atas dulang hantaran. berserta dengan budget estimation. eceh acah-acah je mak nyaaaahhhhh.

1. jam tangan. max budget tak lebih RM300. tak semestinya brand neh. tapi aku suka leather watch. besi pun suka tapi dah ada dua so mungkin nak ada yang lain sikit so leather boleh babyG pun okay hihi.

 

2. handbag. design coach yang ini memang aku suka. budget for a handbag kalau less than RM300 lagi aku suka bahahaaa. okay sila tengok puas-puas sebab belum tentu mampu milik.

3. sandal skechers. yang neh memang aim. harga tak menahan. RM350. rasa nak lempang diri sendiri kerana taste begitu besar. and skechers jarang ada sale. haih.

 

4. koleksi parfume. oleh kerana nafsu aku besar dan sejak dah diajar pakai perfume mahal (thanks boifren), aku berangan nak letak bukan sejenis tapi banyak jenis perfume dalam bakul hantaran. budget again, not more than RM250. hahahahaaaaaaaaaa. tapi boleh direalisasikan sebab orang kata dubai perfume murah *wink wink*

yang lagi tiga tu, sekadar bakul buah, kek dan sireh aku rasa tu je kot. dulang duit mas kahwin, cincin dan duit hantaran tu aku rasa buat dulang khas asing kot. kalau aku malas pandai-pandailah aku sumbat mana-mana bagi cukup hahaha. 

untungnya, mama memang ambil upah gubah hantaran. so jimat banyak dah di situ. in fact, untuk bertunang pun tak ada hantaran waaahh jimat lagi la aku suka. hehehe nonetheless, sebarang niat sponsor amat dialu-alukan teeeheeee.

age won't define someone's maturity.

it's kinda sad and funny to read my cousin's blog. sad that she got married young, and even younger than my eldest sister but already a single mother with three kids, but funny at the way she handles her emotions and problems. i believe a single mother has to be strong for the children, even though the pain is unbearable yet you cannot let the children know as it will burden them more. enough with the divorce that they have to endure. you don't have to add some salt to the cut. and by the way, that's what mothers would do. sacrificing once you become one, for the rest of your life.

she has been divorced with talak tiga. so no more turning back. do something about it. falling in love is not the major focus now. haih you have children, why bother about guys not loving you as much as you want them to? i pity my nieces. seriously sorry for them. but since i'm not even close to them there's nothing i can do. even if i do, what can i do?

i'm not good with children. if i am, i would be a mom by now. but that's not the point. this thing opens my eyes. family planning is essential. that parents need to show good examples to children. problem is, i don't think my cousin's parents show good moral to be followed. the family is wrecked by themselves. what i pity.

who am i to say a thing about others' family while mine is also not perfect at all? i just wish that i could shape my own little future family *ehem* differently. like i mentioned earlier in my previous post - my children don't have to live in pressure thinking about being successful academically. it's just fine that they are good kids with good attitude and adab budi pekerti yang tinggi. in future, i think keeping the good values is a real challenge than getting education.

i'm an educator. i know how easy it is now to be educated. but one to be fulfilled with good values? let's just think about it when the time comes. for now, i just wanna sit back and enjoy my a-year-added-age. fuhhh already imagining myself on the beach sipping a glass of cold drink. vacation, anyone?

let's talk about future.

my partner and i prefer to own a small but nice comfy and cozy house. since our dream house insyaAllah is not going to be that spacious, i think less is more is a better way in decorating our home.

 aku suka ruang menonton begini. tak banyak furniture and simple.

 bilik neh pun aku suka sebab simple yet ada barang-barang yang diperlukan.

 again, simple. 

 dapur and ruang makan favourite. 

kalay diperhatikan, aku suka tingkap. sebab aku claustrophobic bahahaha. dan aku suka perabot ringkas. macam gambar no 2 tu, aku tak suka warna keseluruhannya, for me lighter wall colour is better. cuma aku nak tunjukkan tak perlu ruang besar untuk bilik anak aku nanti so tadela nak menyepah sangat wawawa. 

aku harap, rumah kami nanti (ececeh) biarlah ringkas susunaturnya. tak perlu besar to make it comfortable and lovely. biarlah kecil sebab senang aku nak kemas hihihi. yang penting, ruang mesti ada pencahayaan semulajadi. nak gelap ke apa lepas tu kita pergi nilai cari langsir ke apa wiu3.

sayangku, sila design rumah yang cantik-cantik lagi. saya suka~