Trauma

Those who read would have known my sister had lost her child in 2014. But Allah is the most merciful, and loving. Tahun ni my mom akan dapat dua cucu serentak hehe.

I don't really talk about my pregnancy anywhere else, except here. I even told my husband not to give any idea that i'm conceiving in his fb. I don't own an account, so one less social media account to handle.

We both agreed to make it less public, due to many many reasons. Not that we are not excited with the presence of this child, but the uncertainty, the fear of losing makes us be more more careful this time. Plus, we are trying our very best to respect those who are still trying, and trying not to rub salt to their wound.

Conceiving is not easy, because it's not you who have the upper hands in making it real. The pressure from the society, family, friends are never easy to handle. Expectations, hopes kill. We know because we have been there. But the difference is, we didn't really try hard. We go, we stroll as we like. Kalau ada, adalah. So pressure was not really an issue. Kami chill je. But still, aku faham naluri ibu yang nak berzuriat. Sangat faham sebab dekat office, ramai yang masih mencuba, banyak masalah kesuburan etc. Jadi aku sangat berhati-hati bila bercakap dengan mereka.

And being me, aku memang jenis hati kering. Aku tak faham the needs untuk kau poyo-poyo canang how happy you are, being insensitive to those yang kau tahu mengharap jugak. Alasan kau yang it's your time to be happy, yang at last kau juga mendapat bahagia yang kau nak be it dapat jodoh dapat anak doesn't give you the permit untuk kau goreskan hati orang lain. Sedangkan satu ketika dulu, hati kau sendiri sakit dan sedih diperlakukan macam tu. So, kenapa sekarang kau pulak buat macam tu?

Betul, kau kata niat kau cuma nak beritahu kau gembira. Jadi apa beza dengan orang-orang yang lain, yang kau kutuk konon menunjuk-nunjuk bahagia, menonyoh-nonyoh berita gembira ke muka kau suatu ketika dulu? Mungkin niat mereka juga sama, just like yours now.

Tolong jangan salah faham. Aku bukan menghentam uols nak bercerita. In fact, i did too here. Cuma kurangkanlah nada kepoyoan dalam ayat kau tuuu.. Especially bab harta pinjaman Allah ni. Kita takkan tahu berapa lama nak dipinjamkan. Dan beringatlah, segala nikmat hanyalah ujian untuk kita. Be it nikmat sakit, sengsara, gembira, kekayaan dan sebagainya.

Aku takut, nanti it's going to be too much to bear if it doesn't go as you plan. I've seen it, and now i'm traumatised.

Beringat, beringat, beringat. Selagi mampu.