humans and thoughts.

i always laugh looking at how ridiculous people can be. no, not laughing actually. more like a smirk. i guess i've been so different for so long so now i see people as weirdos. lately, we have been bombarded with news of newlywed - memey and norman. i have nothing against them nor i adore them both. but being judgemental and hurting them with your insane ideologies are absurd to me. too much till i have to ramble in here heh now i'm into gossips huh.

entahlah, i'm against the idea a wedding should be grand and expensive. it makes my life affected in a way orang ingat aku kerja pensyarah gaji banyak so wedding harus gah dan nice dan very pleasing wth. again, it's not me i'm rambling about so whatever. but, cam'on. it's their wedding and it's up to them then how it would be. yeah, of course you can say whatever you want, but have you ever considered that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder?

ini kutuk itu kutuk. just semata mereka kena tangkap basah and it happens to be they fall in love and get married and somehow the ex is hurt. talking about the ex. if you really mean what you say about you don't care, don't give a damn, what past is past yada yada yada, you would not have done what you've done. saying bad things about your ex husband won't make him back to you. lepas tu buat-buat oppps bajet kiut heh. that is so lame. obviously you are not over the split yet.

and what makes this even funnier is, orang punya wedding, orang lain yang kecoh. itu tak kena ini tak kena. lepas tu bila ada orang yang say something about your stupid reactions over the matter, terus kena chop sedara. aku bukan sedara/kenalan mereka, still aku rasa pendapat yang diberikan macam bangang as if kau letak otak kat buntot and you sit on it that's why you're thinking like that. 

ahhh. pendek kata, semuanya bermula dari aku juga. sebuk baca ruangan gosip and then get stressed out bahahaha. i now realize i'm not young yet not old. so di manakah aku teeheeee. 

on the other hand, today i received something thoughtful from a student.

sometimes it doesn't have to be expensive to make me smile. and sometimes, aku rasa terharu kerana all this while, i thought students hate me because i am strict and garang to them, suka membahan diorang sampai tersiput-siput malu, dan suka panggil diorang guna nama yang aku senang nak ingat. contohnya macam student yang ini. aku panggil dia shiro sebab nama dia shira hahaa sukati aku je.

ahhhh i'm so in love with what i do for living. no kidding. gaji banyak memang best. but the satisfaction i get when they appreciate me and my effort is priceless. sumpah beyond words.

huuu hepi~

a hankering.

at this late, i have a hankering for yummy crispy rubbery edible things. such as beef pepperoni. i know it's not that rubbery but the feeling of chewing it is priceless. plus i love the taste of crisp at the outer layer of every slice. haish i want it now.

and please don't suggest me chewing gum because first, it's not crispy. second, it makes my stomach feel uneasy. three, i eat chewing gum only for breakfast or when i feel my breath smells bad. i know it's weird having it for breakfast but that little amount of sugar is sufficient for me to start the day. but i don't practise it any longer particularly for no reason.

thinking of that makes me relating to something else. at one point, i would order the same menu again and again because i loved eating it so much. and then i stopped without any proper reason. for the time being, i love eating uncle bob's chicken or any other brand with the same type of product. i'm wondering when will i stop eating it because that's not good for my health.

heh tetiba nak jadi health conscious. baru je melantak coklat beberapa ketul at this late. and fyi, i'm not a chocolate eater though. i guess late night craving is super dangerous to my waistline (ehemmm bajet kurus). so better sleep asap. and btw, i'm typing this entry with just one eye opened, another is already shut down. 

 

*yawwwwwwwwwwwwnnn*

i don't read newspapers much nowadays.

because mostly it covers on politics, politics, and politics. i love to read on something else. something that captures my attention and interest. and i want more pictures. i love to read something with pictures. but not just faces. and sometimes even newspapers make errors in grammar and spellings. and that's bad because i always encourage students to read newspapers so that they could learn how language is used. but i guess i will stop asking them since i don't read it as well. so definitely not an exemplary behaviour to be practiced by an educator like me. yeah, i didn't walk my talk so surely not gonna ask them to read newspapers. maybe something else. other kinds of reading materials.

talking about what i do for living - which is educating, i love what i do now. i think that's what i do best for the moment. even though i always have the idea of being a businesswoman and i love food and colourful food and decorating food and cooking food especially dessert (despite i only have few melamine plates and four glass plates, thank to future MIL), but that's not my major focus of my life.

heh rambling defeating what i want to say, again. beberapa hari yang lepas, aku bertegang urat leher dengan seorang rakan sekerja over a small matter. memang itu salah aku, dan aku pun dah minta maaf. but what made me furious was his idea of respect - sumpah tak boleh blah. pada aku, siapa pun aku, di mana dan bila-bila masa, hormat itu perlu. kau tak perlu tunggu nak bekerja bawah satu department baru nak hormat menghormati. furthermore, aku rasa tak perlu aku nak cari pasal dengan orang tak semena-mena. they are nice to me and there's nothing to lose if i respect them for their experience and kindness. diorang kekwat ke, banyak hal dengan kau ke - that's between you and them. 

aku rasa sangatlah tidak profesional cara kau treat rakan sekerja. kalau kau rasa mereka tak betul, what makes you think mereka rasa kau tu betul? get my point? cam'on, you have to admit kau memang sombonglah~ bajet superstar oh my~ and then boleh pula kau cakap tak payah nak besar-besarkan hal. deeerrrrrr, excuse me? bukan kau ke yang snap macam babi sesat? opppppsss~

entahlah. aku tak kata aku bagus. tapi konsep aku mudah - orang tak kacau aku, aku tak kacau orang. tapi pun kalau orang kacau aku, selalunya aku amik pendekatan diam bawak diri ataupun membebel pada kekaseh hati.

i think it's time for you to get a life. get a partner. and move on, please. and yeah, tak perlu bajet aaron aziz sangatlah. kulit kau gelap kot~

no more, no more please.

aku masih tak faham mengapa apartment aku bila buat event suka bebenor ada karaoke yang disumbangkan oleh penyanyi perasan diva. meleleh-leleh lilin dalam telinga ai yu ols oiii. dahlah p.a system sucks annoying seyyyhhhhh. 

and tadi aku tengok melodi, ada audition reality show vokal-bukan sekadar rupa. yang datang memanglah tiada rupa suara juga hampeh haram berlobang gegendang mak nyaaaaaahhhh. haih. self confidence tu memang la crucial but too much of it could harm you, you know... udah-udahlah tu impian nak jadi penyanyi. dan buat bekas pelajar aku yang bernapa epi tu kalau tak silap - aku dah dengar kau menyanyi masa aku mengajar kau dulu. tayahlah cuba lagi. lebih baik kalau kau fokus stadi aje weeehhhh.

but that's not the point that i want to babble now (not BUBBLE ye murid-murid). aku melaksanakan misi mengemas sepantas kura-kura today dan daripada misi aku ini, aku berjaya membuat dua kesimpulan:

1. no more handbags, bebeh.

neh pun saki baki yang tinggal lepas almost half aku bagi kat orang. still ada almost 10 lagi haih haih. yang kunin tu baru pakai skali wuuuu. aku bukan jenis memilih nak handbag mahal2 je. tapi memang suka tengok handbag. yang paling aku sayang yang bakal mak mertua bagi (ehem2) untuk birthday tahun lepas.

2. no more broochhhh.

tu pun ado lagi yang kunun nak repair tapi tak repair2. merapu la aku neh weeehhh. dan kalau yu ols perasan, brooch aku takla lady like mana pun wahahaha.

nanti nak kemas kasut pula. tuh pun aku rasa bakal jadi no more no more gak la. heh.

i'm freaking mad.

kadang aku berharap aku ada kawan baik selain boifren ku supaya mudah untuk aku meluahkan rasa dan emosi tanpa menjejaskan hubungan mana-mana pihak. haih. tak, aku tak ada masalah dengan boifren ye. elok je berbahagia. jangan buruk sangka. 

haih. rindu betol.

terkudut.

tengahari tadi, sewaktu aku berlenggang kangkung nak ke kereta, aku telah berpeluang menyaksikan satu adengan yang selama ini aku cuma tengok dalam drama je. adengan peragut dan mangsa peragut. tergamam youuuuu. aku pun tak tahu nak buat apa sebab jarak agak jauh tetapi tergerak hati kalau aku ada berdekatan pasti sudah aku tabrak motor mereka. lepas tu bila dah masuk kereta dengan hati yang berdebar-debar, terus terfikir eh nanti sapa pulak nak bayar bil repair kereta tuh ohh tidak tidakk.. heh sungguh tak boleh jadi hero.

nak salahkan peragut tu of course la. tapi kadang mangsa pun tak membantu juga. berapa banyak kes beg tangan diragut kerana you all jalan lenggang kangkung pegang handbag macam bawak plastik berisi ikan dan sayur. lepas tu yang kalau naik motor pula selalu benar aku nampak letak dalam bakul. tak pun pakai macam biasa tanpa ada attempt nak cuba letakkan diri dalam keadaan 'what if'. lepas tuh walaupun dah banyak kali dengar kes cermin kereta kena pecah waktu berada di traffic light, masih lagi kau letak handbag atas kerusi.

memang lah orang kata tak elok bersangka buruk, tapi aku rasa untuk kes macam ini elok juga ada sikap paranoid tu. aku bukan nak puji diri aku sangat, tapi perkara utama bila masuk kereta adalah cuba kunci pintu secepat mungkin. tingkap aku takkan buka luas-luas. aku letak handbag di lantai. aku tak letak handphone atas seat. dan bila berjalan aku akan kepit pegang handbag aku macam ada duit sejuta. sebab memang aku paranoid orangnya. lagi banyak kes aku baca, lagi takut dan phobia. 

lepas tu kejap-kejap aku check tepi bag sebab dulu masa bagpack aku kena seluk dekat jalan tar 2 hari sebelum raya (that was the last time aku pakai bagpack), aku pun semangat pergi balai polis nak buat report. sekali bila masuk, ramai gila mangsa bag kena toreh tapi mangsa tak sedar tahu-tahu bila seluk nak amik purse, bag dah tembus. sejak daripada hari tu aku terus cuak takut dan selalu fikir daripada minda pencuri heh gila saiko. lepas tu juga aku jadi berdebar-debar pergi tempat crowded, and since modus operandi bag aku kena seluk itu adalah himpit tolak sambil seluk, aku memang pantang ah kalau berlaga-laga neh. memang aku peluk bag aku macam anak.

tapi yelah. kita manusia. kadang aku pun ada juga terlupa sana sini. jadi pada siapa yang ingat tu, saling mengingatilah kita hendaknya ye. sedih betul bila kejadian tak diingini berlaku yang bila diselidik-selidik rupanya berpunca daripada kita sendiri. lagipun, kalau katalah aku ini mangsa ragut - kompemlah panas ati bila tetiba orang kata 'heh patutla cik kena ragut. cik tak berhati-hati ke?' walaupun benda itu ada benarnya. nak marah pun tak guna sebab benda betul kan. jadi berhati-hatilah and if benda buruk masih berlaku, then only you can say it's fated.

cam boifren aku, dia seorang yang sangat bagus dan tegas dalam hal neh. kadang aku neh over excited sket terus lupa dunia hahaha. maka dia akan bertindak berjalan di sebelah kiri (aku sebab aku pakai handbag sebelah kiri) bila berjalan di jalan raya. tak pun dia akan bagi alarm ringtone (berupa kata-kata nasihat yang tegas) supaya pegang handbag tuh betul-betul bukan macam pegang bag plastik hahaha. oh dan bila dalam kereta beliau akan suruh aku letak handbag dekat lantai juga sebab semak mata dia tengok aku dok pegang bag tanak lepas hahaha. tapi bagus, sebab peragut senang nak ragut bag atas riba, kan? so fikir-fikirkanlah ye.

p/s: tetiba bila baca perenggan terakhir aku macam nak promote - carilah pasangan yang tegas dan awesome cam boifren aku. heh bagilah kredit kat boifren sebab lately dia sangat behave hahahah.

fuhhh.

hari yang teramat penat tapi menyeronokkan sebab penat pun bersama bunga-bunga. now i smell like flowers (tipu sebab tak mandi lagi huhu). ini percubaan pertama aku yang melibatkan aku sepenuhnya. kalau dah sampai mama yang cerewet boleh bagi kebenaran, maknanya tangan aku ada seni jugalah cehwaaaah hahaha.

aku pun tolong sebab kesian tengok mama demam dan aku memang nak belajar. mana tahu in future betul-betul termakbul niat nak ada kedai heh baru first time buat ye-ye je berangan. macam kesian sebab dalam ramai-ramai aku je yang beria nak menerima ilmu menjahit dan menggubah mama. kadang bukan nak sangat pun, tapi nak tanak akan terbelajar sebab kesian tengok mama buat sorang-sorang. entahlah.

macam nak tergelak dengar statement jebun. 

dia kata, "tanaklah masuh giatmara. kang orang kata aku bodoh plak. tengoklah lepas spm cemana. semua orang pun ada impian nak masuk universiti".

aku pun dengan muka lurus menjawab, "memang, tapi tu untuk orang yang memang belajar sebab nak masuk universiti. orang tak belajar tuh namanya bukan impian tapi angan-angan mat jenin".

terus terdiam.

tak lama lepas tu sambil bersolek, aku menegur, "pandai betul hang melawa".

dia jawab dengan senyum simpul perasan lawa, "ala bukan susah. belajarlah pelan-pelan".

"takpelah. aku belajar untuk masuk u je", kata aku. 

terus beliau angkat kaki masuk bilik hahah aku rasa papa memang betul tang aku memang suka antiklimaks.

penat + lapar = cranky.

nah layan gambar masterpiece for the day hahah!

bye.

siapa kata kaum perempuan peramah dan mudah mesra?

aku memang tergolong dengan manusia yang mudah mesra tapi masih ada odd moments bila bersama kaum perempuan. aku memang ramah. ramai juga yang kata aku mudah fit in dengan persekitaran. kadang-kadang kerana terlalu kerap mendengar komen orang tentang kemesraan aku or how bubbly i am membuatkan aku terbayang aku seekor binatang yang boleh tukar-tukar warna mengikut keadaan heh apakahhh...

tapi bukan perihal aku yang ingin aku repekkan di sini. lebih kepada alasan ataupun hujah kenapa aku agak kurang berminat berkawan dengan perempuan wahahaha. entahlah, walaupun aku juga seorang perempuan tapi as time goes by aku semakin menyampah dengan beberapa sifat dan sikap perempuan. thank god i'm not gay - kalau tak memang loser aku hidup bersendirian ditemani cats around the house (selalu dalam cite orang putih lonely old woman lives with cats and cats only) kerana cerewet memilih pasangan. but then since aku alah pada binatang berbulu maka maybe i should live with fish instead. but again, that's not the point haih merewang aje aku neh.

aku pergi menghadiri satu seminar yang memang aku looking forward nak pegi. seronok yawww sebab memang itu yang aku nak belajar plus the speakers memang awesome. ada la yang tak awesome sangat tapi okay je aku bersifat neutral hahah tipu padahal dah mengumpat mengadu dekat boifren how annoyed i was. heh. so i was there for one and a half days, alone. walaupun dalam dewan ramai peserta lain tapi alahai aku tak tahu kenapa mereka sombong-sombong belaka. ha jangan nak kata aku tak usaha nak tegur orang eh. aku baru senyum orang nak tanak senyum balik kat aku, siap boleh turn mengadap kawan dia kat sebelah. mulanya aku tertanya juga mungkinkah aku ni busuk ada bau badan tapi selepas dipastikan, memang tak ada. bersikap lebih positif, aku cuba lagi tapi gagal hahaha. well, aku rasa aku tak cukup lawa la kot haha.

aku tak terasa pun tak ada kawan, cuma macam kelakar sebabnya kita sama-sama pensyarah. jadi tak guna kau nak sombong berlagak la lepas tu time balik bawak kereta siap nak himpit kereta aku dasar perempuan lesen beli. lagipun, macam memalukan tengok you all tapau-tapau makanan dalam handbag - so tak ada class for me okay.

tak, tak. ini bukan cakap sebab aku bengang mereka tamau kawan dengan aku (terbayang situasi kat sekolah kena pulau). aku memang tak suka perangai tapau-tapau macam tu. kenduri lain, okay. lagipun kenduri memang orang tapaukan. neh maksud aku yang pergi event lepas tu makan buffet terus lupa diri nauzubillah ambil banyak-banyak end up tak habis pun. lepas tu ada hati tapau dalam handbag lagi. haih daripada pemantauan aku secara informal, 99% makanan yang ditapau itu akan terbuang begitu sahaja. they wont eat it, trust me. 

tapi cam'on la weh. kenapa yeh you all suka amik food banyak-banyak, sampai orang belakang dapat makan kuah sup and taugeh aje? makan saki baki apa yang ada. tak baiklah. you all komplen you all bayar, jadi emo sebab caterer buat hal breakfast takde. habis kami yang bayar tak dapat makan sebab you all sakau sume neh nak komplen apa. we paid the same fee okay. 

cuma rugilah boss you all. hantar suruh pergi belajar but all that matter to you were the food and sleep. heh so malaysians. trust me, semalam borang soal selidik tu penuh dengan komen pasal food. what the what la. maybe you guys should just opt for another job - food tester or food critic.

tak perlulah aku mention sikap dalam dewan kan. kau kan pensyarah, sebab tu ada kuli batak nak tolong buangkan sampah botol air kosong dengan plastik gula-gula kau tu. haih tolonglah. pensyarah pun sama manusia. bukan tong gas pun yang konon berat sangat. contohnya mudah je. kau dah buat sex pakai kondom kau tinggal merata biar orang buangkan. tak ke tak baik tu.

gila babi pemalas. and soooooo kekampungan. tapi kau orang kampung mungkin tak pakai kondom tu yang beranak setiap tahun tu. eh ehh.

kita serupa.

it's not the matter of what i think now or how i thought of it before.

that's how i see it because you showed me that way. 

but why oh why when i did it for the same reason it then seems like it's my fault.

that i'm being negative and insensitive?

why does it okay if you want to have a win-win situation but never for me?

we are just the same. 

the only thing that makes us different is i said i'm sorry and i mean it.

in between being joyous and puzzled.

i'm over excited at the moment for what i wish and papa wished me to do is about to happen, insyaAllah. but at the same time it freaks me out; and you know what will happen next when i freak out -  i start to think too much.

as for example, i keep on thinking of things i'm not supposed to. i may not mention them here for so many reasons, mostly personal. entah, usually it will upset me but i don't feel like it at all. i just don't care to bother anymore. well, life goes on even though what i want most is not going to happen in the soonest time. i just can pray and hope and plan, but the ultimate decision is not in my hands; even the decision itself.

however, it's not like it's a major plan of my life though, so maybe that's why i don't really care (just a comfort statement to make myself not too sad hehe). basically, i don't simply get upset unless it hits my soft spot bahaha. but i usually don't tell and i don't talk much about things that sadden me to anyone but him only and only him. i would talk out of nowhere, in the middle of something or i would just blurt it out like nobody business whenever i like.

heh i know you may be puzzled by reading this, but heck i don't give a damn because i am also puzzled yet happy. it's not easy to describe my feelings as no words are good enough to explain it. still, here i am trying to express what i feel without offending anyone especially my beloved ones. heck, i don't think they care to read pun ngeh3.

when we first dated, i did ask him to describe me in three words; all that i could remember were two of them - emotionless and indescribable. maybe the last word was unpredictable. but i guess since we've been together for almost 7 years now, i'm sure he knows me more than just that. probably he would describe me as annoying, depressing, and can be stupid most of the time hahaha.

and looking at myself now, i have to admit i am hell a different person 10 years ago, the very first time we met. definitely heavier, curvier (ehemmmm bahahhaa) and chubbier eh eh. hopefully he would still see what's beautiful in me that makes him fall for me at the very first place. never know what it is - he would only answer 'the x-factor' when i asked. and sometimes various unreliable answers that if not x-rated, never serious kind of answer. i was dying to know before but now, would be happy to know but not that keen either. he's not the same type as me who is happily pouring out my emotions and feelings in sense of writing. he's more like a thinker and don't speak as much as i do but that's what i like about him. i hate guys who talk a lot because guys love to brag when they talk too much. 

suddenly i remember how i was mad at him for being late. i don't know if i am still punctual as i was young. maybe he can tell me. i don't like people to see me that girly, and i don't like to be seen as a typical lady as i feel like i'm nothing like them. i don't fancy gossips or cerita rumahtangga dalam kain in bed kind of things. basically what ladies love to chat with other ladies. it sometimes can be boring. but there are times i want to be praised by my boyfriend - to make sure my self-esteem is constant; how pathetic is that when you need someone to make you feel good about yourself. but then thinking of this makes me feel like i'm just a typical lady that loves compliments bahahaha. or maybe a mellow entry about me on his blog. but heh now i'm confused. i want it but at the same time wondering can i bear blushing myself when reading it. but whatever. it's not like i'm getting it everyday so yeah. i would love to have one mellow post bahaha what a request.

well, truthfully i don't have any objective of writing today but i guess i've spilled out few facts about myself that i may not proud to share but i have no clue why i'm putting them here to be read. hopefully i don't offend anyone by doing so.

i'm a bad liar. i don't know how to lie. so when the auditor popped that bloody question, i froze and got busted right away. and now it's in the record that i've done a stupid thing where i did only once and i know i shouldn't tell but i couldn't help myself so that's the second stupid thing. but i guess if i appear too perfect but too young, more troubles and works to come and i don't like to handle more than what i already have. i aint an octopus, ya know that aite? (just to comfort myself; i'm trying to be very positive here hahaha)

i wanna get married badly because i am very lonely. but today, it creeps me when i have the sense that i'm just not ready. i don't know of what. i don't want to get married because i want someone in my house to watch korean shows together. that's not cool. as if you're forcing either you or your partner to get married for pity not because we want to. heh what do people call of people who have the phobia of getting married? we both have cold feet now (i think). so hell yeah, ukm here i come. bahaahahaa. or maybe i should get a diving licence like i always have dreamed of having, and papa was about to sponsor me until i did something unfavourable according to him so he chose not to pamper me with that hehe. i'm not being honest here. but just so i don't put so much hope on it, let me think this way for the time being hihi.

i just realize that i love to read and edit my writing just to make it sounds perfect or to make sure there are no errors but well, english is not my first language and bm is also not good so where am i belong? heck i just love to read my own pieces of writings actually. can i be called a narcissist? 

so that's about it for now. i'll talk nonsense soon as this is what i do best at the moment heh. and by the way, by the time this entry is posted, i may snore my lungs out. heh ada ke benda macam neh? teeheee night.

bila sangap.

have you ever tried to google your own name?

you may be surprised to see the result.

hari yang sungguh tidak produktif.

benar-benar tak bersemangat nak buat apa pun. cuma rasa nak tergolek tidur sepanjang masa. kepala sakit, poket sempit. hooiii bendahari silalah buat kerja anda jangan asyik main mukabuku aje. 

banyak nak mengomel but not in the mood. haih adakah kehidupan akan berubah jika aku sudah berkahwin?

there are times i feel so old.

menghitung hari yang entah bila akan kunjung tiba wawawawawawa.

tak apa.

hasil sabar itu nikmat.

cumanya aku ini bukan sabariah lah.

ishh.