in between being joyous and puzzled.

i'm over excited at the moment for what i wish and papa wished me to do is about to happen, insyaAllah. but at the same time it freaks me out; and you know what will happen next when i freak out -  i start to think too much.

as for example, i keep on thinking of things i'm not supposed to. i may not mention them here for so many reasons, mostly personal. entah, usually it will upset me but i don't feel like it at all. i just don't care to bother anymore. well, life goes on even though what i want most is not going to happen in the soonest time. i just can pray and hope and plan, but the ultimate decision is not in my hands; even the decision itself.

however, it's not like it's a major plan of my life though, so maybe that's why i don't really care (just a comfort statement to make myself not too sad hehe). basically, i don't simply get upset unless it hits my soft spot bahaha. but i usually don't tell and i don't talk much about things that sadden me to anyone but him only and only him. i would talk out of nowhere, in the middle of something or i would just blurt it out like nobody business whenever i like.

heh i know you may be puzzled by reading this, but heck i don't give a damn because i am also puzzled yet happy. it's not easy to describe my feelings as no words are good enough to explain it. still, here i am trying to express what i feel without offending anyone especially my beloved ones. heck, i don't think they care to read pun ngeh3.

when we first dated, i did ask him to describe me in three words; all that i could remember were two of them - emotionless and indescribable. maybe the last word was unpredictable. but i guess since we've been together for almost 7 years now, i'm sure he knows me more than just that. probably he would describe me as annoying, depressing, and can be stupid most of the time hahaha.

and looking at myself now, i have to admit i am hell a different person 10 years ago, the very first time we met. definitely heavier, curvier (ehemmmm bahahhaa) and chubbier eh eh. hopefully he would still see what's beautiful in me that makes him fall for me at the very first place. never know what it is - he would only answer 'the x-factor' when i asked. and sometimes various unreliable answers that if not x-rated, never serious kind of answer. i was dying to know before but now, would be happy to know but not that keen either. he's not the same type as me who is happily pouring out my emotions and feelings in sense of writing. he's more like a thinker and don't speak as much as i do but that's what i like about him. i hate guys who talk a lot because guys love to brag when they talk too much. 

suddenly i remember how i was mad at him for being late. i don't know if i am still punctual as i was young. maybe he can tell me. i don't like people to see me that girly, and i don't like to be seen as a typical lady as i feel like i'm nothing like them. i don't fancy gossips or cerita rumahtangga dalam kain in bed kind of things. basically what ladies love to chat with other ladies. it sometimes can be boring. but there are times i want to be praised by my boyfriend - to make sure my self-esteem is constant; how pathetic is that when you need someone to make you feel good about yourself. but then thinking of this makes me feel like i'm just a typical lady that loves compliments bahahaha. or maybe a mellow entry about me on his blog. but heh now i'm confused. i want it but at the same time wondering can i bear blushing myself when reading it. but whatever. it's not like i'm getting it everyday so yeah. i would love to have one mellow post bahaha what a request.

well, truthfully i don't have any objective of writing today but i guess i've spilled out few facts about myself that i may not proud to share but i have no clue why i'm putting them here to be read. hopefully i don't offend anyone by doing so.

i'm a bad liar. i don't know how to lie. so when the auditor popped that bloody question, i froze and got busted right away. and now it's in the record that i've done a stupid thing where i did only once and i know i shouldn't tell but i couldn't help myself so that's the second stupid thing. but i guess if i appear too perfect but too young, more troubles and works to come and i don't like to handle more than what i already have. i aint an octopus, ya know that aite? (just to comfort myself; i'm trying to be very positive here hahaha)

i wanna get married badly because i am very lonely. but today, it creeps me when i have the sense that i'm just not ready. i don't know of what. i don't want to get married because i want someone in my house to watch korean shows together. that's not cool. as if you're forcing either you or your partner to get married for pity not because we want to. heh what do people call of people who have the phobia of getting married? we both have cold feet now (i think). so hell yeah, ukm here i come. bahaahahaa. or maybe i should get a diving licence like i always have dreamed of having, and papa was about to sponsor me until i did something unfavourable according to him so he chose not to pamper me with that hehe. i'm not being honest here. but just so i don't put so much hope on it, let me think this way for the time being hihi.

i just realize that i love to read and edit my writing just to make it sounds perfect or to make sure there are no errors but well, english is not my first language and bm is also not good so where am i belong? heck i just love to read my own pieces of writings actually. can i be called a narcissist? 

so that's about it for now. i'll talk nonsense soon as this is what i do best at the moment heh. and by the way, by the time this entry is posted, i may snore my lungs out. heh ada ke benda macam neh? teeheee night.