i'm not into politics. i hate politics. the reason why i despise politics so much is i hate to pretend. i hate to be nice to someone who has hurt my heart.
but in life we're not given options. sometimes pretending is all one needs. things are not the same anymore. and the sight of how happy she is after what she did hurts me even more. as if she had done nothing wrong at all. i swallow it hard to the fact that she had ruined what i had, and i wonder have i totally forgiven her as much as i say it.
and i wonder, is she really happy inside. i don't know what is truly in her heart or what was her intention, but if i were her - i'd suffer from guilt forever, or at least till i admit and apologize for it. still, i would still feel bad. being me, i am easily down with guilt and over concern.
or maybe it is just me and my hormones. there are times that i can keep this feeling away. the anger and disappointment and sadness.
the moment is coming, like it or not. something i'd die for. but deep inside i'm not sure if i'm ready to handle this emotion. each time the feelings crept in, i would brush them aside by pretending i didn't see or hear things that triggered them. i would say to myself that i'm okay, i'm going to be okay. i can't share with the ones i love, because some would say that i have to forgive and let go, and that she has moved on so must i, and some would simply say i'm overreacted. and that hurts me more because it all appears to me as if they are denying what i truly feel; so no, i can't talk about this with anyone. but i'm sad. terribly.
i always wonder how someone can bring a huge impact to your self esteem. and i wonder how would people feel after they had crushed others'. what did they feel to embarrass the ones they don't like. and what did they think of when they did that.
i am angry. yeah, i am. thank God for giving me hell childhood memories, where i am now more prepared to face this kind of people. i'm super good at pretending, seriously good. and i'm good at healing myself. that's what i think, at least.
but deep inside, only God knows how much i cried asking for them to stop hurting me. and please just leave me alone. sometimes, i just wish that my love is strong enough to make me stay throughout everything hell. i wish i can have the magic tool that can erase my bitter memories, just like in MIB.
this song always worked before. let's try if it works now.