Tuesday, October 2, 2012

entri berserabut.

i have so many things running on my mind.
daripada perihal study ke perihal peribadi.

i always feel like if i still have my father, things will be better.
will it be?

aku pernah ditikam bertubi-tubi.
selalunya aku akan maafkan aje.
tapi kenapa aku tetap tak boleh tengok muka dia?

a research says chocolate can change your mood drastically.
i think i'm experiencing it now.

if papa is still alive, will he be proud of me?
what would he say to me?
i'd really love to know.
i haven't dreamt him for quite some time.

i have less than a year.
but i don't feel like doing anything just yet.

will the arrangement be easier if papa is still around?
mungkin di saat ini beliau sudah merangka-rangka apa nak dibuat.
or the worst would be him inviting the whole world.
hahaha he's funny and so adorable.

sometimes i don't feel like talking.
so it's kinda problematic because friends couldn't stop talking.
and it seems rude to just ignore them.

when you have like 8 years gap of doing nothing on the resume, you'll have a hard time getting a job, dontcha think?
plus minimal working experience.
so you cannot be choosy.
but people love to choose.
me too.

my workplace is just nearby.
dulu before the traffic lights exist, i took only five minutes to reach the office.
now ten.
still considerable.
no traffic jams, no need to pay for parking - lots of them.

i'm just a typical malay.
aku malas.
dan aku tak suka perubahan.
eh yeke?
aku penakut.
takut kalau perlu mengajar kaum lain.
takut tak sabar.

aku racist, kau tahu?
but i love my non malay friends.
that's different.

i love my supervisor.
she is so motherly.
at least that's how i feel.
but now i'm feeling the pressure bahaha.

"we're long overdue, ya know"
she uses WE, not you.
it means a lot to me.
i love you, Dr.

sometimes, i just wish one would pat my back when i say things like how i miss my dad and what would he say to me now.
the other half couldn't do that.

not that he doesn't love me or trying to brush it off.
but i know he's dealing with the lost too.
he just couldn't find the right words to say to me.
it's fine.

poor him.
he looks forward to get to know papa but he misses the chance.

pardon my grammar, ya'll.

i saw a dead body this morning.
and i cried.

thinking of how the family back home getting the news of it broke my heart.
knowing that the lost they have to deal with, i know exactly how it feels.
i cried knowing it's not easy and i can still play the same moment when doctor said papa was gone in my head over and over again.

tonight i'm just sad.
i cried when i saw a pakcik tepi jalan, berpanas buat kerja.
he reminded me of my dad.

big, round, dark, sweaty.
i miss papa.
i feel so sad each time i see someone like him.
nak-nak yang susah-susah.
yang berpanas-panas bekerja mencari sesuap nasi.

if one asks me what i regret most, i would definitely answer:
                         "aku tak sempat bagi bapak aku merasa hidup senang".

but that's just life.
and death is inevitable.

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