i crave more sleep.

i'm looking forward for a long nap in the evening. can someone please spank me on my butt so that i can work my ass off? i'm just too unorganized and super lazy with tons of workloads waiting to be done.

don't get me wrong, i'm still enthusiastic with the whole idea of doing my research, it's just i would have this kind of mental block on what and where to begin. *sigh* excuses, it may seem but it's true hohohohoho.

i need internet, but internet slows me down.

pathetic, i know. lame, absolutely.

one of my addictions.

huarrrrrggggghhhhhh.

i need more tenaga beruang, i supposed.

things to do

lots and lots. *sigh*

malam tadi plan nak mc today sebab tak ada mood nak pergi kerja. konon nak mc sebab migrain. sekali kena betol-betol pagi neh. bahahahaha padan muka.

yok pergi klinik uhuhuu.

i'm weird like that.

hihi aku seorang yang mudah ketawa, seriously. menda kecik pun aku boleh terkekeh. dan aku suka senyum. sorang-sorang. hahahaha weirdo, i am.

and now i'm into 9gag, people in my office think i'm weirder. and they were clueless when i tried to make joke relating to 9gag. nyudahnya aku gelak sorang-sorang.

again, i'm weird like that. and i think i'm funny. siapa sanggup kena rekod buat misai guna tisu? depan bf? aku la tuuuu.

bahaha i love laughing at myself. acting stupid doesn't mean i am stupid. i just love to play stupid. i'm weird like that.

and i always have this idea that my life macam game mario. every good thing i did, i imagined mario lompat and dapat coin tu.

and bila aku penat, aku imagine diri aku macam dalam street fighter. macam power bar on top. keep on reducing and soon gets weaker.

weird weird weird.
i am.

i'm a happy lady.

everything has gone quite pleasing this year. a good year, perhaps. life has been treating me nicely, so far - alhamdulillah. even though the year has just started, i hope it will continue to be good till the end of the year.

tiada kata mampu diungkap untuk menyatakan betapa aku sangat lega when she is okay with me now. i know that it may not be like before, but having her back is more than i could ask for. i wish i can thank her, but it's better i act normal i don't want to scare her off, again bahahahaa.

i don't know how it happened, but very very glad that we're okay. at least, for me, it is. moga it stays like this sampai bila-bila. or if it changes, perhaps it would be better. and for me, just to mind what i say and do - and don't simply forgive and forget - and don't simply trust anyone.

even myself. even my judgment. even my reasoning. eh eh.

on the other hand, i'm just curious how am i going to study with the party held down here. boommm baaaammmm boooommmmm the music is going to be loud, and it would be worse if they start to sing off tune. haihhhh.

i dreamed of moving out - but with little money i have, i know it will just remain as a dream for the time being. for now, i'm supporting myself  - i rent a house, living alone means all the bills are on me, and i have a car to pay and feed bahahaaa. and i have debts to pay. 

should remind my kids not to take any study loan. eh must remind them. or should remind myself not to sign any agreement bahahahaaa. and for that, i should start saving for their future. 

ehhhh kahwin pun belum dah fikir hal education anak-anak. i'm totally distracted now. pfffftttt.

tentang seri.

comel jugak orang kita neh, bila orang kahwin yang dikisahkan muka seri ke tak seri. benda neh aku rasa sangat subjektif. i mean, kalau boleh ada perumpamaan beauty is in the eyes of the beholders, maksudnya cantik itu bergantung pada taste and pandangan masing-masinglah, kan?

macam tak seronok dengar dan baca bila ada yang cakap tak berseri, mungkin sudah ditebuk la, tak dara la, whatsoever la. bukankah fitnah jadinya kalau tanggapan itu tak benar. dan fitnah itukan dosa besar. kau sibuk canang orang tidak bertudung, tidak menutup aurat, bercinta berpeluk-peluk - walhal masih banyak perkara lain yang harus dibimbangkan. fitnah, syak wasangka, hasad dengki- penyakit hati yang boleh meruntuhkan bangsa dan agama.

eceh bercakap gaya ustajah aje aku ni. tapi betol lah, aku tak gemar dengan orang yang suka buat telahan sendiri. mungkin pengantin tidak nampak begitu jelita kerana silap percaturan mak andam, atau gaya rambut, baju, warna dan olesan eye shadow and lipstick tak sesuai. atau mungkin pengantin keletihan kerana menguruskan majlis. we don't know, so don't simply make assumption.

nak kata tak cantik, fine. tapi jangan disambung ayat belakang tu. tak perlu kot. cuba bayangkan it was you. mesti rasa sangat sedih, kan?

kadang kalau aku fikirkan kewujudan manusia-manusia begini, terus aku rasa malas nak kahwin. sebabnya dah lah kenduri aku kena keluar duit ribu riban bagi makan free, nak kena bagi ole-ole lagi, lepas tu dikutuk macam-macam kalau ada yang tak kena. that's sooo my people style. kat kampung aku, at least.

mungkin orang tempat korang baik-baik. mungkin la.

write right. and read more and more and more and more.

i've started my classes this week. belajar and mengajar. both. quite busy and pack so i'm very much exhausted by thursday which is today. i notice that i can't be hungry for long, i would have terrible headache afterwards.

my fault though, i ate only maggi cup for lunch and nothing more until 8+pm. may have to consider bringing some snacks in my handbag, just in case. life is a bit messy, because i have the least awesome time management skill huhu. need to arrange and put everything on schedule, and some plans on reading.

have to start doing the exam questions, and at the same time do extensive readings for literature review, and read all the articles and chapters for classes - discourse analysis and research methods. aku sedang mencari cara agar tidak termenung atau tertidur bila membaca.

plus the problem is, both books are super duper expensive. i'm not only gonna burn a hole in my pocket but the whole bank account, i may say. RM200 book voucher? seketul buku pun tak dapat, okay. the price of books for my course are very exorbitant.

how i wish i'm a millionaire. but then it would defeat the purpose of me going back to school, la kan? yupppp. knowledge is the second. i'm more looking forward for better income hehehehe.


i'm so a materialistic lady, now. what the world has become. *blame me not haha*

most of the time.

most of the time, aku prefer hidup tanpa kawan-kawan. most of my friends tak pandai menghormati masa orang lain. all they would think of is how precious their time is - orang lain punya, tak heran. sebab tu kadang-kadang aku lagi suka tak hang out dengan diorang. sebab tak reti hormat masa aku. my life is not centralized around you je, ok?

bila aku jarang hangout sama, mulalah kata aku lupa kawan. asyik dengan boifren. dah tu, boifren je yang tahu tepati masa. yang kalau kata nak kuar makan 12.30, mesti on time. ini dahlah lambat, tak reti nak bitau. kalau aku tak tanya, tak reti nak cakap. nasib aku tak sampai kedai lagi. nasib aku tergerak hati nak text tanya.

haih. orang melayu, orang perempuan. kadang bukan nak meluat dengan jenis sendiri, but most of the time jenis aku sendiri yang drive me crazy - without failure.

dan aku, akan jadi super cranky bila lapar. huarrrggggggghhhhhhhh. dasar betol. lepas ni kompem few months later la aku lepak dengan korang lagi. hummmpppphhhh.

of fear and excitement.

entah kenapa sejak aku bekerja, i've listened to so many marriage issues - there were good and bad, but mostly bad. honestly, it creeps me to think of my future. i know i shouldn't be intimidated and not everyone is the same, but still i'm scared.

but at the same time i feel super excited. knowing that the wait is gonna end. and that i could wake up next to the one i love dearly. i'm about to marry my best friend. ada orang kata, bercinta dengan kawan baik atau bercinta kemudian menjadi kawan baik adalah dua perkara berbeza. i couldn't agree less. we started from friends to best friends, and now we're gonna marry each other - i wonder how it would feel hehehe.

ada kawan aku kata, it's not an easy marriage especially those yang dah bercinta lama (like me) and selalu jumpa (like me also). i asked why - and she said entah. sebab dah selalu jumpa, dah kenal. jadi bila dah kahwin kena terima what's coming. 

errrr aku rasa kalau tak bercinta lama dan tak selalu jumpa - that's what we do in marriage. sometimes it's confusing dengar kawan-kawan bercakap pasal rumahtangga. some are good tips but mostly menunjukkan siapa kita sebagai wanita melayu. kita banyak sangat idea yang tak realistik tentang kehidupan, life should be like how we read in romance novels - happily ever after, no arguments, no misunderstandings - everything is smooth and nice and happy and love alone is enough.

it's not. we need more than love to make a marriage successful. we need passion, patient, perseverance, improvement, enthusiasm, tolerance - just to name few. we need more than we expect is enough. i think communication is essential. i know that sometimes i'm very open and i may have hurt you sayang, but trust me it helps me a lot in our relationship. i'm glad we can talk over matters - private and general - and you allow me to discuss everything, every single thing that is on my mind.

and i feel blessed. banyak keraguan, sakit hati, kesedihan, anger, confusion dapat dihapuskan dengan berborak about it. ada masa aku serabut dengan bermacam hal - tapi bila aku dapat luahkan, aku rasa sangat lega. walaupun kerana itu kita bergaduh, atau merajuk, atau marah dan sakit hati - but i know because of it, we can understand each other more.

i'm sorry sometimes i'm very verbal - i talk about my issues openly with you sayang, but i'm glad i did it. i don't want to be a typical woman - suppressing everything within until it eats you up. i don't want to be bitter. bitter is not good for my soul. i don't want to bottle up everything, and explodes just because of one tiny matter. because my bottle is full.

i don't know what awaits me, us. but i know hope is there. i don't know what kind of marriage we would have - but whatever it is, i know my husband is my bestest friend, he is my soulmate, he's my everything. i've chosen him, good or bad he is. dengan izinMu ya Allah, aku mohon agar jodoh ini kekal sampai ke syurga.

my bed seems so big now.

sob sobbb.

woohooooooo.

it's not the end of the day, but rasa macam hari ini sangat panjangggggg. penat. esok meeting pulak dari pagi sampai petang. weekend neh macam banyak je nak kena setelkan oh oh my next monday kelas dah mula wuhuuuuuuu nervous mak, nyahhhhhhh.

dalam hidup neh kita tak boleh nak hipokrit sangat. jangan brag and end up it's not as wonderful as you always say. semua orang sedar life is a bitch. jadi bila hidup indah sangat neh, it feels like it's just too good to be true. 

there's never a perfect couple. but there's always a perfect match made in heaven for you. aku teringat kisah teman pejabat - yang baru setahun jagung berkahwin. we know the man sucks - but she always says differently. yelah, hasben kan. but we're just humans, and she is - aku bimbang untuk dia but it's good when at last she said something.

relationship works both ways. it's not gonna last if it's only one sided - and it will never last if you don't nourish it with love, acceptance and respect; for every second. i pray what's best for her, and may she'll find her true happiness.

just be careful.

i read yesterday's newspaper just to find how pathetic we muslims can be. be careful, sometimes when you think they are nice to you and you just want to show how wonderful islam is by accepting them and treating them nicely - they are just playing two faces, trying to dig out and fork out our weaknesses.

and use them against us.

be careful. they are not as nice as you think they are. 

niat kita baik. kita konon nak tunjuk kecantikan islam, keindahan islam. kita terima mereka, kita berbaik sesama mereka. yet mereka putar belit cerita. dan sudahi penulisan dengan nada sinikal. 

read the article, you would know what i mean. 

kita orang islam, kena lebih berilmu bila berbicara. ini zaman di mana semuanya memerlukan justifikasi. kena tembak hujah sampai akal boleh terima. nak-nak dengan si tolol yang memang dari awal nawaitu nak mencari salah, membolehkan apa yang ditegah.

haih. how pathetic can we be? hidup di negara islam, tapi orang islam sendiri diperkotak-katikkan. jangan jadi bodoh membela orang tak berkait.

hessshhhhh this is why i've stopped reading the newspapers. it saddens me to see how foolish my people can be.

sob sob.

sedih.
aku google gambar ford fiesta.
semangat nak cari nak buat wallpaper netbook.

tetiba teringat wallpaper tak boleh tukar.
fffuuuuuuuuffffff.

the moment.

i hate myself when i've written such a nice entry than i forgot to log in for the wifi and then it's gone. grrrrrrr.

hari minggu yang pasif, i didn't come out from the room yet since i woke up. my room is much nicer now than the living room bahahaaa. lebih kemas dan saya suka bilik saya. last month i complained how small my room was, so after the make over *cehwaaahh* now i'm in love with it. love-hate relationship sungguh.

ingat next week nak pergi penang, very looking forward for a beach vacation but few things are waiting so tak dapeklah den nak berjemba-jemba feeling-feeling ditiup angin pantai sampai tudung penyet hihihi. jadi mungkin this weekend dihabiskan dengan menjadi supir kepada adik bongsu yang akan sampai sebentar lagi. malas benar nak drive balik ampang - so macam lagi bagus if she comes over so aku ada excuse tayah balik bahaaaaha.

lagipun di sini ada tilam and bantal and selimut kegemaran, kat ampang tak ada. pejadah pula nak hangkut semua bawak balik, ye dak? urghhh lately sakit pinggang yang amat. mungkin aku sudah tua hahaha gila. aku sebenarnya tak adalah tua sangat. masih muda belia. kulit tegang lagi. kot. entah tak belek sangat pun muka. 

at this age, aku sangat malas pakai make up, dan aku tak ada fix regime of penjagaan muka. i wish i have, cuma jadi sangat tak bermotivasi bila kulit sangat sensitif dan jenama yang aku boleh pakai sangatlah tidak economical for my pocket. orang kata biar papa asalkan cantik, aku pulak biar papa asal kenyang tak mengidam makanan bahaaaaaha. sate willy, aku teringin nak makan kau nyumm nyummmmm.

hurmmmm topup wifi dah nak habis. need to buy la satgi. walaupun aku selalu komplen wifi sucks kat sini, tetap aku sakan jugak guna. plus bila dah ada netbook baru tetiba wifi sangat best and behave very well. dah macam hook dengan 9gag, tenkiu boyfriend.

so happy weekend, ya'll. aku dah selamat menjadi pelajar semula. so readers *gaya macam ramai la sangat*, be prepared for more of my bebelan emosi yang mungkin tak berapa nak stabil nanti. teeeheeee. dan doakan semuanya mudah bagi aku, dan aku dapat tukar kerja dengan gaji dan kemudahan lebih menawan kalbu, dan aku dapat buat phd kat oversea boleh feeling-feeling ada snoowwwww. 

heh buzz off la mak nenet. off me go muahhhxxxx.

makin berumur makin cranky.

antara benda yang aku cuba elak kerana tak gemar dengan kerumitan dan kerenyahannya:

isi borang aka fulfilling forms.

benci betol tah hapa-hapa column yang aku tatau jawab.
pffffftttt.

a spy.

adrenalin rushhhhhhhhh. hatiku berdebar-debar. mindaku berputar-putar. mulut menguntum senyum mungil. memikirkan how stupid i've become. and sedikit bersedih.

jika diberi sejuta pun, belum tentu aku akan memilih sebaliknya. tapi aku rasa pasrah dan redha itu satu keperluan dalam hidup. sebanyak mana kita kata rukun iman yang keenam itu adalah percaya kepada qada dan qadar, aku rasa sangat penting untuk bukan hanya percaya di mulut tapi di hati.

tanya sama hati, pasti mati. kalau kau tanya apa yang ada di dalam hati aku sekarang - kompem bukan yang aku banggakan. dan aku akan pilih untuk hanya diam. dalam hidup tak perlu terlalu jujur, itu yang telah aku belajar lama dulu.

cuma kadangkala aku ini tidak sabar. hati mudah membentak penuh amarah. not proud, at all. aku mohon minta hati ini lebih sabar dan mulut ini lebih banyak dikunci. aku seronok dengan apa yang aku ketahui sebentar tadi but at the same time aku tak boleh nafikan perasaan sedih dan kecewa yang tersarang.

entahlah, panggil aku tamak atau tidak sabar. aku tidak kisah. kerana ini yang aku rasa. dan aku mohon moga jalan dibuka untuk aku, dengan kurang liku lekuk bonggol. penat sudah. percaya sudah, bersabar sudah.

cukup sabar, tak tahu.

to ponder.

we choose what we want in life. we choose what we want to hear, and what we want to say or how we want to act and react. yet. we've let people hurt us with their words, actions and whatever.

we tend to forget when people compliment us on how radiant we look, or how nice our clothes are. but we always remember who had told us how fat we are or how pale we look.

we tend to forget the excitement of being told happy news. yet we always recall for the feelings upon being given a bad news.

we tend to forget how wonderful people were when things were on the right place. nevertheless we keep on telling ourselves about the hurt they did accidentally.

we tend to forget that we've hurt others in ways we sometimes didn't even know. but we are always confident that we are a saint.

we tend to forget that forgiving is just the way of moving on. yet we let painful memories linger around as long as they can.

we tend to forget that we can actually choose what we want in life. yet we always make the decisions that will end up hurting ourselves more and more.

i actually forgot that i'm one of we. so let's ponder on this and do something. happy Wednesday, all. may today is brighter than before.

i just love the melody. sangat membuai-buai terasa jiwang sekejap bahaaaaa.

first boyfriend vs first love.

my first boyfriend was when i was fourteen kot. didn't work out that long pun sebab dia curang bahaaaa ayat tak menahan. i found out he was having another affair with a senior. i was crushed and cried days and nights sebab rasa macam diperbodohkan. bukan sebab aku suka sangat dengan dia pun tapi aku marah sebab dia menipu last-last kantoi. end up his cousin became my best friend but that one pun later on tak berkawan dah sebab dia suka kat aku and it spoilt everything. hahahaa such a bummer. papa gelakkan aku masa aku frust tu sebab dia tahu aku taklah frust mana pun cuma acah-acah sedih bila dengar lagu bila cinta didusta bahahaaaa soooo immature, i know.

after that aku terus terusan ada boyfriend. pertama, because it was the culture; everyone would have at least a gf/bf. me? many bahahaaa because i didn't know how to say no, and sometimes even though aku dah reject ada juga yang merayu-rayu nak juga so aku iyekan aje. lagipun saja nak test market, bahaaaaaahhhh what the what tapi yelah nama pun budak-budak. selalunya bila ada boyfriend aku tak layan sangat pun sebab bukanlah ada rasa apa sangat plus papa salu berleter jadi aku malas nak cari pasal. nak-nak bila kakak aku dah buat kes lagilah kawalan ketat dikenakan terhadap aku.

kes percintaan kat uni pun sakai jugak. my last relationship before yang current one neh lagilah macam najis. kalau nak cerita, memang boleh buat drama melayu. kalau mengikut dia aku lah yang stray tapi pejadah nak stay dengan dia bila dia pi bantai bertunang, kan? lagipun lepas family dia and ex yang dah jadi tunang and now wife dia tu buat aku macam dirt lagilah aku memang tak ada hati dah dengan dia. pantang aku bila lelaki tak boleh stand for themselves and of course la tak boleh stand for me kan. tapi dia memang membosankan pun. 

kenapa aku cerita semua neh? bukan nak bring up the past tapi aku nak kau tahu, walaupun aku dicop ramai boyfriend tapi semua tak memberi kesan hatta secebis buat aku. what i have for you is truly coming from my heart, you've affected me in many ways. you make me feel so comfortable being in my own skin. kau buat aku suka menjadi diri aku sendiri. you are my first love, if i can say that. in 7 years, you never fail to make me happy.

we have our ups and downs, but backing off is never an option. i love you more than i always mention. i'm not good in putting how i truly feel for you in words, but i know you know. it's mellow, i know but i just want you to know that i appreciate whatever you've done to me. your presence is the greatest gift. thank you for being such a great bestie and partner.

i wish i could buy you the world just to show you how much i love you, but i don't even have the budget to get you your gshock watch bahahaaaaa. happy 7th anniversary, sayang. may we be together, loving each other more and more for the years to come.

i love you, so much.

i almost swore in front of my ent doctor. eh warning: ini entry gross boleh buat muntah.

hari ini dimulakan dengan menempuh perjalanan yang sesak untuk ke hospital. my first check up after the surgery. thank you to my bff sebab tolong drive me there, and beri i peluang untuk menanda in the car. the due date is on friday, hope can settle before that. seronok ketawa gelak-gelak membaca esei pelajar. stress tapi terhibur. again, it's kinda love hate relationship antara i dan students.

sampai di hospital, tekanan makin bertambah bilamana orang sangat ramai. tersangat sampai aku pun naik bingung. aku neh bukan boleh. gedik sikit di mana aku tak boleh berada in crowd. rasa lost gila nanti keh3 dasar~

tunggu punya tunggu, after almost two hours barulah giliran aku sampai. maka dengan muka mengantok aku melangkah berat berjumpa dengan doctor tanpa perasaan prejudis. end up aku keluar dari bilik doctor dengan muka sugul bersama saki baki air mata dan hingus bercampur darah sob3.

honestly, surgery memang tak sakit. dan aku rasa keputusan doctor untuk membantah kehendak aku supaya berada dalam keadaan separa sedar ketika pembedahan adalah tepat. memang aku tidur lena siap mimpikan students lagi. bangun je dah settle. aku teruja dan keseronokan yang amat.

tapi beberapa hari lepas badan aku macam tak sedap dan semacam ada bau kurang best di belakang tekak. dengan amount taik idung yang terhasil aka darah beku, plus kahak berdarah, aku ingat cuma masalah biasa-biasa. lagipun hasil lombong sangat banyak. paling banyak sepanjang aku hidup (since aku tak korek hidung so ini macam pengalaman pertama, jadi agak asyik hahahha apakahhhh). aku tak suka tabiat baru ini kerana semacam sakit, each time korek untuk buang kerak-kerak airmata aku akan meleleh kerana sakit isk3 apa je nikmat korek idung yang dicanangkan orang neh aku pun tak fahammmm.

dan tadi doc found out ada super banyak crust dalam hidung aku. doc mintak ijin nak buang, of course aku suka sebab tak payah korek sendiri the doc will do the dirty job hahahahaa. last-last aku menangis like nobody's business. sumpah sakit. yang pieces kecik-kecik dan berskala sederhana tu aku maintain gagah lagi.

mai tang last piece di mana doc yang lagi senior took over, aku tahu nyawa aku menjadi pertaruhan. sumpah sakit gila sampai aku tersepak-sepak kaki doc tu dan i almost swore to his face. tapi sebab nak berlagak alim depan doc bukan islam, maka aku berselawat dan ingat Allah dengan bersungguh-sungguh.

sumpah (dah berapa kali guna perkataan ni) tak boleh cover sakit hahaha. yang buat aku rasa nak meragas tu sebab punyalah ramai budak practical tengok aku as if aku buat show pulok siap dok ishhhh ishhhh uuuuu sakitnye uuuuuu kat tepi aku. gila tak membantu hohoho. doc memang spray ubat bius tapi aku rasa sebab last piece tu sebesar meteor maka ubat bius landed kat atas dia je hahahahaha imiginasi betol.

tak kisahlah, aku cuma nak cakap - sumpahhhhhh sakit seperti tulang pipi dan rahang aku ditarik keluar dan otak aku ditikam-tikam dan gigi aku dicabut tanpa ubat bius. haish beyond words rasanya. tak tahulah sakit nak bersalin nanti cemana pulak hahaha tetiba.

tapi sekarang walaupun hidung masih meleleh hingus bercampur darah tapi aku gembira kerana aku sudah boleh bernafas dengan normal. masa doc tanya how was i doing, aku sangat gembira ceria menjawab. ha amik kau lepas kena korek terus aku menyesal berlagak ceria. doc beria minta maaf mengatakan tak ada pilihan kena juga korek buang, dan aku juga ketawa sambil menangis (true story) mengatakan it's okay, i also don't have any other choice than crying because it's super hurtful. aku almost nak cakap bloody hell painful tapi tetiba teringat aku harus menjadi ustazah pilihan maka budi bicara kena jaga ecececeeeeehhh.

dan malam ini, i spend my night marking papers on my new working station. tak la cantik mana but i love it to the max. nah gambar:

kiut, kan?

student i comel. dia nak tulis 'stretching' jadi screetching pulak.

whatever that means.

i still love you, students.

p/s: first time blogging from my new baby, Leno.
hehehe thank you, mama.


and you, sweetheart.