what kind of a person i would want to be so that it will shape the kind of mother i'll become.

"you can never control the society if you lose control of yourself".

i told that to my brother when he was cursing when the system broke down.

previously, we were talking about how sick the society is treating us.

we both love to read.

his choice of reading materials is heavier than i am.

so people glare at him as if he's a nerd if he reads in public.

and he detests to that action.

and to some, making remarks as jokes even though it's not funny to the recipients is seen as normal.

and those who can't deal with those lame jokes are being ridiculous.

that's just malaysians.

'i cannot change the society. but that doesn't mean i have to bend to it. do as you please, read if that's what you want. why give in if you know reading is good for you?'

 it hurts me much when the society labelled me with so many things.

when people with my religions see me as a sinner.

yes, i'm not married.

and i commit sins.

happy, now?

we blame people around us for behaving the way they are.

like how people blame me of not getting married.

but not putting in mind that the society makes my life harder.

how they demand so many things from me.

how they expect so much from me.

so how should i live with all that?

with stress, of course.

haih i was actually wanting to vent on how ridiculous my mom's statements before i went back just now. 

but i feel so bad now if it's to be published.

but where else can i say how i feel if not here?

who am i today, may determine what kind of a mother i will be.
doncha think?