that's just me.

aku cuma manusia biasa. penuh dengan sifat dan sikap buruk. menjadi aku, tak seronok pun. memang, aku suka fikir banyak. aku jenis yang merencanakan masa depan. apa yang akan aku buat seterusnya. di mana aku patut berada di usia sekian sekian sekian. aku suka begitu.

sebab kalau aku tak buat macam tu, i can't work. i don't work that way. i don't function well if i don't have plans. that's why sometimes i don't like impromptu actions or ideas. because i always have things planned ahead. 

but that doesn't mean i don't have fun in life. i do. it's just it is done my way. 

dan memang. memang aku fikir banyak. dan walaupun aku cakap hati dan perasaan aku macam doh donat, hakikatnya aku mungkin lebih kepada span. i take my own sweet time to get back to the normal shape. and sometimes, i don't get my old shape back, because of what people do to me. but i would still play my duty, to absorb everything faithfully because somehow they are family, and family soon to be. i know i have no choice but to accept things the way they are.

please don't blame me. i don't get bitter if people i do not know and not nice to do bad things to me. when it is otherwise, i hurt badly. and i take time to heal myself. maybe it will take forever, i'm sorry.

i just hope this could be the place i could rant and pour everything. if you don't like it, don't read. i can't stop myself from writing it out, because that's mostly what i do when i get hurt. but restraining myself from not telling you how exactly i feel, i can try to do that. even though it is hard.

maybe to you i am being immature, but please let me be because that's how i deal with pain. if by talking about it makes me look, appear or sound immature then i choose to be one. because that's how i take it and live along. i don't simply let go. i don't at all sometimes. but that doesn't mean i don't forgive. maybe at the moment i don't but let me be for the time being.

one day, the sponge will give up. it's either ruined, or it bursts. which one is better, dear? i don't know that's why you have to tell me. but you don't tell me here because i won't listen. but talk to my heart.

you know me well, don't you? that's why you know how to deal with me. the bitter me. not here, no you don't because i don't listen that way. this is harder than i imagine. i have bad omen with friends. that's why it is hard to have one. maybe it's me. you're right. i'm the corrupted one, didn't i?

that's why i don't have good friends. because i don't forgive and forget what they did to me. i can't. sorry. it's harder than i thought. i thought i'm cool enough but i don't. they disgust me. maybe that's how they feel about me too. they said and do nasty things to me but maybe because that's what i worth for.

maybe i'm up to no good at all. that's why i deserve this. right, dear? that's why you think it's okay they treat me like this. that's why it is okay.

i'm the bad one. now i know. dealing with a fact that people don't like me is like a blow to my head. maybe i'm not as good as you, and no matter how much i keep telling myself that i don't live for others, deep down inside i know i want to be liked. everyone does. especially by families. my family soon to be. 

it's a super blow to my head. but i can't do much about it. it saddens me because i lose it in a blink. without me realizing it.

being nice can also kill you; now i know. so stop talking too much and don't be so nice. good intention won't help you deal with this. no it doesn't. 

perhaps i shouldn't do any thinking at all. but look where it leads me. life is so complicated. i am twice of it. darn it.