new year but with no resolution

i try to find time to blog before the year ends. i have to say 2016 is full of bittersweet memories. with ali, with work, with no progress on my study and the list goes on. 

banyak benda boleh nak cakap kat sini, tapi disebabkan aku terlalu paranoid of hurting people, and afraid to be judged, aku decide untuk biarlah beberapa perkara aku simpan je sorang-sorang or just share with ma hasbandddd. cakap dengan ali pun menyeronokkan kerana dia sungguh responsive dengan air liur berjejeran kerana teruja, walaupun yang sedang disampaikan adalah berita sedih. sahlahhhh dia tak faham konsep hati terluka lagi hahahahhahaha.

sedar tak sedar, it has been almost 9months boobies ku menjadi milik ali sepenuhnya. the journey yang sebenarnya agak sukar; a very bumpy ride i would say hihihi. i thought ada boobies means breastfeeding comes naturally to you but oh maiiiiii i was so wrong hahaha. tak minum air, susu drop. salah makan, susu drop. tak sihat, susu drop. stress, susu drop. penat, susu drop. tak pam on time, susu drop. valve pam rosak, susu drop. period, susu drop. hahaha apa je aku tak telan untuk naikkan supply. hari-hari tengok di ig susu orang pam, supaya semangat naik hahahah gilosss.

i love my blog very dearly. sangat sayang sehinggakan kadang-kadang aku adalah pembaca setia blog sendiri. kegilaan apakah ini? hahahah. it's a place where i rant, and say and do nonsensical things. yang kalau di ig aku sedikit terkawal kerana ada beberapa orang yang aku rasa aku kena kawal diri, and i can't simply say things sebab lebih banyak hati nak dijaga. tapi di sini, walaupun ada beberapa perkara aku masih teragak-agak untuk berkongsi, tapi aku lebih bebas sebab aku tak dikenali hahahah. i know some of the readers ada dalam list ig aku, tapi yang tu aku tau memang kepala sama tingtong and i am not scared or worried sebab aku rasa selesa dengan diorang ewah sakan hahahahah. in fact aku buat perkara tak terjangkau dek akal which is aku biar ig aku exposed to strangers. so lagilah aku akan menjadi paranoid bahahahha what the hell am i doing mannnn.

oh ye berkenaan tajuk entry harini. aku masih belum ada azam tahun baru, dan aku tak plan to have any sebab well, aku hari-hari ada azam baru hahahahah. setiap hari berazam untuk tak nak marah-marah, bengang-bengang whatsoever acah-acah nak positifkan diri sekali hamik kau tercarutsss kat sini hahaha. takpelah, aku masih akan kekalkan tabiat cuba nak jadi baik tu tapi biasalah syaitan ada di mana-mana hohoho.

aku berharap ada bonus hujung tahun, tapi like always harapan selalunya akan dibawa angin bayu lalu mereputlah aku terus berharap setiap hari ada duit jatuh dari langit bahahaha. apalah aku merepek ini. kenapalah jiwa melipat kain tak semembara jiwa merepek merapu meraban di blog. kenapa oh kenapa. 

oklah, tamat dah sesi mengepam. sudah boleh berhenti merapu. akan kembali nanti bila sudah setahun lebih tua. i love you, blog. you are always special to me. hihi.

happy new year, guyssssss!

tepu.

aku nekad nak berhenti kerja, dan nak carik kerja lain. or carik kerja lain, dan kemudian berhenti kerja. so stressful kerja dalam environment yang tak sihat ni.

belajar entah ke mana, kerja yang konon aku dok commit sangat tu sekarang makan diri. Allah, ampunkan aku kalau selama ni aku buat kerja tak ikhlas. i love my job, but i don't love my colleagues. i despise them. terlalu bermuka-muka, kuat mengata mengumpat, mengadu domba dan suka melihat kejatuhan orang. buat peraturan as if we are all perfect. terlalu mengikut peraturan (kononnya) sampai hilang budi bicara. aku tak sempurna, aku banyak dosa, tapi aku tetap tak suka diorang hahaha.

jangan kau buat silap hatta sebesar kuman kat sini. siaplah. i am so depressed, dan tak ada tempat atau ruang atau sesiapa untuk aku buat aduan. pernah cuba nak tukar bahagian, things went ugly and lets say i was hurt twice as bad by those people. sampai sekarang aku menanggung beban; dilabel tak buat kerja, siap hantar spy bagai. come on, takkan aku sebodoh itu untuk tak kenal dosa pahala. aku tak makan gaji buta, okay. just because i don't comply to your stupid rules doesn't mean i didn't do my fucking job. 

dalam keadaan ekonomi buruk ni, changing job is never advisable. but what else i can do? makan hati? nak tengok muka diorang pun tak ada hati weh. hari-hari doa dalam hati, janganlah aku begitu busuk hati mendoakan bila depa ni nak mampus hahaha. dahlah, mungkin aku yang patut angkat kaki. mungkin lama dah aku patut angkat kaki, tapi aku dah terlalu selesa, dan takut sangat sebab terbeban dengan komitmen kewangan. 

sekarang pun masih terbeban jugak hahahahah. but i don't care dah kot. nantilah aku plan baik-baik pasal ni. i am so nervous, scared yet aku dah tak boleh kerja kat situ. buntunya haih.

semalam ali kurang sihat. demam. dan harini kereta rosak. dan kerana aku tak cukup tidur, aku migrain. aku nak tukar kereta baru sebab satu kereta dah habis bayar, apply loan tetiba sangkut sebab ptptn hahahaha. berhuhu lah kita membayar selepas ni. but good things are coming next year. moga Allah mudahkan semuanya.

ye, aku nak berhenti kerja yet aku beli kereta baru tambah komitmen bulanan hahahaha. life is crazy. and i am crazy. aku still tak pindah rumah sebab takde bajet nak buat gate and grill hahahahahahahah gilo la mahal nak mampus all those things. and urusan masukkan air masih tergendala. air sangat penting, we can't live without it so yeah, aku rasa hujung tahun kot pindah. no rush sebab rumah baru we don't pay anything pun. cuma macam sedap sikitlah kalau rumah sekarang duduk ni dapat disewakan. dapatlah extra money every month. 

talking about that, harga sewa mak aih mahal betoi. my house ni nilai sewa sekali ganda bayaran bulanan. memang rezeki sangat dapat beli rumah bawah market price, and ketika tu memang market price tak mahal pun hahahaa. so walaupun lawyer lembabun sampai sekarang tak settle isu cukai aku ni, aku redha mengenangkan how cheap i bought the house. i'm thinking of refinancing my house ni. ada sesapa boleh bantu? aku tak faham konsep hahaha. untung ke rugi kalau refinance? can we change bank? i mean now rumah ni cimb yang finance. kot ada housing loan yang offer better interest rate ke, can i switch to other bank? any banking officer or you friend who can help me?

i really need help on refinancing matter. so kalau sesapa boleh tolong, aku sangat berterima kasih. kerana anda, rumah aku mungkin berpagar hahaha.

kebarangkalian

bukan senang nak jadi baik. aku niat, usaha nak diam tamau carik pasal, danggggg dia mai carik pasal dengan aku hahahaha. dasar binatang haram betul haha. hang tu sakit, rutin harian bergantung dengan ubat, jumpa doktor pakar amik darah bla bla bla. tapi awat hang tak boleh biaq aku aman ek? awat sakit hati sangat? sedihnya being you. seriously sedih. 

i'm about to make a drastic decision. taking a huge leap. venturing new field. doakan aku diberi kekuatan.

qila, where have you been? hope all is well.

all is well, to all of us. i hope.

malas.

bila aku sakit, itu balasan.

bila kau sakit, eh itu dugaan.

lantak kaulah nak mereput ke, nak pergi meninggal ke hahaha. malas nak layan drama mintak simpati dalam group. every single thing nak maklum; kenapa? takut orang tak percaya ke? hahaha. 

jangan risaulah. kitorang bukan saiko macam kau sampai nak kena call doktor demi kesahihan. itu kerja hr, bukan kerja kitorang hihi. lagipun kitorang suka je kau tak masuk keja hikss.

#setandalambadan #modemeluatmenyampah #orangberlagaktuhan #bolehpimeninggal

6 month journey - inverted nipples, tongue tie etc etc

alhamdulillah, my son is 6 months oredi.

as my previous entry, i did mention i gave birth early, at 35 weeks. my condition was called PPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes), atau dalam bahasa mudah dia pecah ayaq ketuban awai la hahaha. sebelum jadi tu, aku dok bermasalah sebab masalah discharge yang melampau-lampau, urine ada blood, sometimes ada protein. makan ubat antibiotik toksah katala. dengan ubat jolok bawah tu semua lengkap hahaha. rasanya masa pregnant aku sangat taat makan ubat hihihi. dengan problem asyik bleeding yang sampai sudah doktor conclude - tak tahu apa punca hahaha.

nak beranak pun bukan senang. dengan air berjejeh keluar (aku surprise jugak air ketuban tak kering-kering ke sebab dok keluar macam air paip for four days), dengan induce dua kali takdak bukaan (0.5cm ja? pakai jamu perapat ka terlebih makjun akar fatimah ka apa ni hahahah), time operate pulak ketaq teruk, bius hilang, kena bius tido pulak (sampai sekarang abdomen aku kebas, gila tak? hahaha). eh macam-macamlah. tapi sekarang tengok anak eh comelnya budak seketol air liur berjejes ni ahahaha. hilang sakit bentan beranak tu seketika haha.

bila dah keluar, satu demi satu halangan. anak melepak kat nicu, mak terpaksala berulang alik. dah keluar satu hari, esok masuk balik hahahaha. tengah tunggu doktor mai nak check kat emergency room tu, anak berak. mak huru hara sebab anak suara macam petir semua dok pakat pandang hahahahha mak segan sungguh. tukar diaper atas bed, kaki taleh nak bersila perut sakit, makanya tukar atas kaki yang dilunjurkan aje. hurmm pikir-pikir balik memang survival sungguh. masa tu aku tak pandai nak direct feed, susu sejuk pulak terpaksa buat muka tebal mintak nurse panaskan susu. nurse sampai tanya, kenapa tak bagi direct je? susah aku nak explain, dahla kawasan terbuka semua orang tunggu aku jawab hahaha. 

the reason aku tak pandai direct feed, sebab aku ada masalah inverted nipple huhuhu. anak pulak ada masalah tongue tie. berhuhu la kami berdua bila time nak nyusu hahaha. masa di nicu, salah satu syarat nak release anak, ibu mesti mai bagi susu badan dulu. dah pandai baru boleh keluar. jadinya, diorang panggillah datang. hari ke lima ali lahir. i was super nervous, walaupun dah tahu inverted nipples masih boleh feed baby, tetap aku takut. dahlah rasa rendah diri, malu, rasa tak normal huhu. ingatkan masa kat situ, nurse boleh ajarlah. dalam kepala dok bayang nurse macam dekat ward, ajar perah susu masa tu aku panggil nurse tu nurse tetek ahahaha. sekali masa sampai wad, nurse busy. nurse tengok aku terkial-kial baru dia mai tolong. lepas tu masih jugak tak berjaya, anak dah melalak kuat, nurse pun give up. dia tension-tension macam bengang dengan aku. sampai keluor statement menyedihkan lahhhh hadoi ni dia ke aku yang gagal ni hahahah. sedih sangat masa tu sebab rasa macam gagal as a mother sebab kekurangan nipple aku ni hahahaha.

but as a mom, of course la aku tak boleh give up. so aku teruskan juga perjuangan breastfeed kami, walaupun tiap kali anak nak susu, aku sangat nervous sebab dia bukan hisap, tapi kunyah. eh faham ke? hahaha. and dia minum dua jam okayhhh. dua jam! lepas tu tidor, letak 15min kemudian nak lagi. dua jam jugak! hahhahahhhaah kau bayangkanlah perasaan pinggang perut aku time tu. puting toksah katalaaaaa. tapi alhamdulillah takde pulak darah ke melecet ke cuma sore je la hihihi. aku sapu susu banyak-banyak, pastu biar berangin kering sendiri. masuk dua minggu, aku terperasan lidah dia terbelah... aku macam pelik, namun terdetik jugak kat naluri keibuan yang anak aku ada problem tongue tie. bergegaslah aku google sana google sini dan next check up, aku pun inform la doktor... dan sah lah masalah tersebut. so bukanlah kerana fizikal puting aku mahupun tetek selambak semata-mata. doktor refer ke paed putrajaya, bergegaslah kami laki bini ke sana sebab aku memang tak sanggup bertahan dah masa tu. aku baca, penyelesaian dia mudah je doktor akan snip sikit then settle. tak yerrr... tidak langsung.

sampai paed putrajaya, dia minta aku rujuk ke bahagian ent. sampai ent, nurse masuk bawak surat rujuk aku tu untuk tanya doktor, kau tau apa jawapan aku dapat? usually they will just wait sampai besar sikit baru diorang review case. habis tu, yang aku dah nak meletup tiap kali menyusu ni cemana? tunggu setahun ke baru nak tengok anak aku? masa tu mai dah angin meroyan sikit tapi kusabarkan jua. yang buat aku macam nak menangis is dia punya statement 'tongue tie tak menjejaskan penyusuan susu ibu' as if menyalahkan apa yang aku rasa. dia punye ayat tu 'saya pun mak, doktor yang saya rujuk pun perempuan jugak'. haihhhhhh. memang la tak jejas, tapi siaplah tetek kau kena kunyahhhh bahangang betoi hahaha. kau bacalah mana-mana, tongue tie mengganggu proses latching. so tu tak ke secara tak langsung mengganggu penyusuan? anak aku berat naik seciput masa check up sebulan. means dia tak dapat susu dengan baik la kan? tu belum aku cerita kena saiko dengan nurse dok asyik cakap anak aku berat tak cukup la tak cukup panjang la hahahhha. lepas nurse tengok muka kesian aku, dia kata all she can do untuk aku is percepatkan tarikh jumpa doktor. masa tu bulan 5. dia kata paling cepat dia boleh bagi bulan 7. kalau tak kena tunggu bulan 9 hahahahahah mungkin masa tu tetek aku dah putus aku cuma datang bawak puting tanggal tu je lempaq kat muka depa hahaha. serius aku tak kisah sebab aku tau diorang pakar, diorang lebih tahu, tapi janganlah menidakkan apa yang aku rasa. bila kau kata tak menjejaskan penyusuan, aku terasa seperti orang bodoh. dinafikan apa yang aku rasa sebab aku yang menyusukan, aku tahulah. kang aku suruh ali chomp chomp tetek hang baru ada akai hahahahah.

maka pulanglah kami dengan hati yang hampa ecewah hihi. aku terus call kakak aku, mintak set appointment dengan klinik pakar uitm sungai buloh. walaupun jauh, aku sanggup janji dapat cepat sikit hahaha. masa jumpa pakar uitm, doktor cakap memang mengganggu sebab dia tak dapat hisap dengan baik, tapi diorang pun takkan buat apa-apa prosedur sebab baby is still too small. lagipun masa jumpa doktor tu, ali dah boleh keluarkan lidah, means ada improvement. latching pun dah tak seseksa dulu. still sakit, but bearable. and you know what? umur ali 5 bulan baru dia boleh latching betul-betul, tapi ali masih di bawah pemantauan pakar untuk tengok progress dia. orang tanya, kenapa aku tak feed pakai bottle je? kenapa nak menyeksa diri? hakikatnya, ali minum dari botol pun bocor wehhh. keluar kat tepi-tepi mulut. kesian sangat. berapa banyaklah aku nak letak dalam botol untuk bagi dia kenyang? so aku bagi je dia melekap kat aku. sakit pun sakitlah. aku sanggup je lagipun aku bukan ada kerja lain pun hahahhaha. aku cuba bagi pacifier, tapi ali reject mentah-mentah, so aku malas nak membazir beli berjenis-jenis puting, and aku pun tak berapa gemar nak bagi puting so tayah la camtu hahaha. aku rasa dia bukan reject, tapi dia memang taleh nak sedut puting tu masuk. terkial-kial kesian betul. kalau menyusu pun, aku kena pegang dan picit bagi masuk mulut dia. berlatih berlatih dan berlatih, sampai boleh hisap.

now at 6 months, ali dah boleh menyusu dengan baik. sampai nganga-nganga kepenatan menyusu hahaha. banyak dugaan kita, Ali. but we went through everything together, and kita masih tak berputus asa. mak bangga dengan ali. and you are such an easy baby. senang sangat nak diurus. Allah duga mak dengan pregnancy yang penuh pancaroba, mak terberanakkan ali awal dari yang sepatutnya, dan kita diduga dengan puting mak dan lidah awak yang tak normal hahaah. but alhamdulillah, ali dapat jugak susu mak cukup 6 bulan. nanti kita usahakan sampai 2 tahun pulak k. more to come, ali. but together we fight!

mak sayang ali tau. 

pindah rumah.

rumah dah nak siap. akhirnya tumbang jua pokok doyan yang disayangi, yang meredupkan, mencantikkan pemandangan luar rumah kami. sobsss. sedih sebab kengkonon nak buat buai segala. tapi kau dah kenapa nak buat buaian kat pokok doyan kang bocor kepala apa tak dapat ahahaahhaha.

acah-acah nak pindah awal bulan 10, sempena cuti awal muharam dapatlah cuti lebih sikit kan. tapi macam tak jadi jerr... minggu awal muharam tu katanya nak ke taiping, sepupu laki bertunang. next weekend nak ke tioman pula. ewahhh seronok mengangkut ali ni hehehe. 

minggu ni minggu stress. bos pulak puaka, lagilah tak menyenangkan hahaha. menambah beban otak adalah hihi. tapi lantok la kau sana. silakan mereput dalam bilik sendiri hahaha. petang ni aku nak santai-santai je sambil mendengar bunyi zooottt zoooottt daripada pam haha. tadi kena audit. benda simple je. and biasalah audit mengaudit ni. orang audit untuk penambahbaikan. tapi bos maksum, sikit salah pun tak boleh semua kena perfect hahaha.

tapi benda ni membuktikan satu perkaralah. kalau kau pandai politik, baik dengan pihak atasan, memang dia cover kau punya. masalahnya dua-dua tu aku takda hahahah mulut plak longkang, muka pun ketat berlagak. memang lagi mencari nahaslah. takleh blah betul aku selama dua jam aku diaudit, terpaksa menahan meluat dengar bodek membodek ni macam nak muntoh hahahah.

mujur dah selamat, dan fokus cuma nak buat revision dengan students sahaja. next week exam, file aku dah nak siap hahaha semua gara-gara bos cengey pelekah nak tengok harini file yang sepatutnya buat bila dah tamat semester. masalahnya semester tamat bulan sepuluh hahahahah kau rasa aku efisyen ke bos aku over carik pasal? orang dok kalut-kalut nak settle p&p, budak nak exam bla bla bla dia sibuk terjah aku nak file tetiba. gilaaaa hahaha.

tak sabarnya nak balik jumpa ali bun bun. rindu.

"hurmm ali tak fahamlah mak orang suka jerit-jerit ni"

working from home

few weeks ago, we went to Cameron Highland for a short vacation. first vacation for ali, and a very much needed vacation for us hahaha. balik from the trip, ali terus selsema. disebabkan aku dah buat hal sebelum tu, tak dapatlah aku nak cuti jaga ali di rumah. nak tak nak kena jugak hantar si bun bun tu ke sekolah. lepas tu, kebetulan minggu tu jerebu, ada seorang bayi batuk teruk, maka terjangkitlah ke ali juga and things get worse from there. 

aku tak salahkan pun baby tu. bukan dia mintak nak sakit. aku pun kesian budak-budak kecik batuk selsema ni. macam seksa nau aku tengok. ali tu menjerit tayah cakaplah. boleh pekak telinga mak ni dibuatnya. menjerit sebab dia tak suka orang pegang hidung dia haha. aku ni pulak tak boleh tengok hingus meleleh ni. laju je aku nak lap. lepas tu sedut sedut sedut barulah sedap hati ni tengok dia tidur selesa. tapi sebelum nak dapat tidur lena tu, gempak gempitalah rumah hahahaha. propa je tau.. sebab bila dia dah tidur lena, aku sedut muka dia rileks je. so sebenarnya memang kaki dramalah si bun bun tu haha.

and now aku pulak yang tumbang selsema teruk sampai migrain, mata berair. dasyat penangan kali ni. semalam aku gagahkan jugak pergi kerja. tapi harini gagal sebab pertama, aku tak cukup tidur. kedua, aku malas nak gosok baju. ketiga, aku rasa lemau sangat. tapi masih kena kerja huhuhu. walaupun aku mc, terpaksa juga siapkan kerja dari rumah ni. serupa aku masuk kerja je huhuhu. rumah berkecah sebab kain tak sempat lipat. dah letak depan tv tapi macam berpuaka betul bakul kain ni seakan ada perasaan benci membuak-buak tengok dia hahahaha.

speaking of work, dan perkataan benci. ada satu makhluk kat opis yang sangat tak disukai bukan sahaja oleh aku, malah seantero kolej. can you imagine? kesian kan? rasa macam ya Allah sunyinya hidup kau sebab no one likes you. depan-depan kau je orang baik, belakang macam tahi mengumpat mengata. sampai satu tahap even your face your look your appearance pun orang mengata. tulah, bila sikap sendiri buruk, deep macam mana pun kau nak simpan tetap terserlah. belajarlah kawal kemarahan, dan belajar hormat orang, jaga air muka orang.

you know, this person can scream at you? depan orang ke apa ke she doesn't care. as long as dia dapat nyatakan amarah dia. scream and shout. tengking jerkah tahap kau boleh pekak. apa gelaran dia tak dapat? semua ada. monster, naga tua, etc etc. lepas dah marah macam babi gila (excuse my language), lepas tu nanti dia akan sambung teguran dalam whatsapp group, bajet suci bagi pulak quote-quote islamik. kata dia buat macam tu sebab tu tanggungjawab dia sebagai ketua, kena memimpin, kena betulkan apa yang salah. kalau tak nanti Allah akan persoal apa dia dah lakukan untuk membetulkan kesalahan, apa dia dah buat dengan duit elaun, duit gaji dia tu. like WTH. aku tak rasa Allah suruh kau maki orang, jerit pekik macam hilang akal untuk menegur. yang paling buat aku rasa nak tergelak tu, she even claimed herself as saidina umar. tegas dalam melaksanakan amanah. hahahahaha babik tak? babik sangatttt... saidina umar tak aibkan, tak jatuhkan airmuka orang la wehh.

masa aku kena torture directly dengan dia sampai aku jatuh sakit (and dia sampai call doktor nak sahkan betul ke aku sakit or aku buat-buat like WTFFF??), dia siap boleh sound aku kata kadang sakit ni tayah makan ubat.. muhasabah je diri, tengok balik apa kita dah buat, tengok balik dengan siapa kita perlu minta maaf. kadang Allah bagi kita sakit sebab nak kita beringat dan bertaubat. lepas tu siap kata laki aku tak redha dengan aku bla bla bla ya rabb.. kau tuhan ke apa ni? gila punya orang hahahaha. lupa ke kau sendiri pun sakit teruk? tapi yelah, kau maksum kan hihi.

dulu aku sangat marah. sangat benci. tapi sekarang aku tengok dia aku kesian. kesian because no matter what good you do, people still talk about how mean you are. how you treat others with disrespect. OMG, how can you live when no one wants to be by your side. so lonely. orang nampak kelibat dia semua lari wehhh. mencicit lari jauhkan diri seperti dia tu busuk seperti tahi. no one wants to sit beside her, no one invites her for lunch, no one wants her to be around. 

dear this someone, 

i truly feel sorry for you. i will never forget what you did to me; that was mean and beyond humanity, but i forgive you. truth will prevail, and now everyone knows what you did to me without me telling the world. people know how terrible you are, how sucks you are as a person and as a leader. as a human, you are never one. stop using religion to justify your actions. it's a disgrace to Islam because Islam never teaches us what you did. 

i pity you. people pray for you to die soon. yes, it is that bad that seeing you alive is not an option. people pray for you to die in a horrible manner. sedihnya, Ya Allah kalau orang berdoa akan kematian aku dalam keadaan yang tidak baik. sedihnya, sebab orang membenci kau tahap tamau langsung kau hidup. sedih teramat. kalau aku di tempat kau, aku mesti jadi gila.

i seriously feel sorry for you. haih. sedihnya hidup lonely macam tu. dah berumur, anak tak ada, tapi berlagak ya hampun. i wonder how is she at home with her husband. i wonder a lot of things about you, but in the end - you are so lonely, you have nothing, and you are living in fear of yourself. hidup dalam bayang-bayang sendiri. diri sendiri busuk, lepas tu dok pikir orang lain sama perangai macam tu.

Allah. aku insaf.

luahan perasaan mak yang emo

baru-baru ni aku diserang penyakit kemurungan. hahaha alasan kepada hati asyik nak sentap je huhu. tapi entahlah, macam berasas je perkara yang aku sentapkan tu. aku tak tahulah ni pembawakan diri lepas beranak ke hapa, aku terover perasan ke terover sensitif ke. nantilah ada masa aku teringin jugak nak share conversation menyentap jiwa raga tu hahhaa. tapi tu kena tunggu diri sedikit syaiton laa. kalau tengah perasan suci seperti sekarang, haruslah simpan diam-diam kan hahaha. 

masa fasa kemurungan tu, aku ni sedaya upaya tamau berkongsi sedih dengan suami. yelah, dilema kot sebab yang aku terasa tu dengan mak dia hahahaha takutlah iols nak cerita. maka berhuhuhu lah aku menangis sambil menyusu anak sambil tutup muka sendiri acah-acah laki tak perasan tengah menangis. padahal tak sedar ke badan berlemak sekali kau terhinggut-hinggut tersedu bergegar lemak di badan hahahah laki aku kata apehal badan you vibrate-vibrate ni hahahaahahaha. tapi percayalah, bertahan sehari je azam tanak share perihal itu. esoknya sebelum tidur aku pun telah mengadakan sesi hati ke hati dengan laki sungguh kelakar sebab cakap sambil telan-telan airliur tahan nangis heyyy kau dah kenapa perempuan ahahhaa.

laki aku sedikit pun tidak menafikan apa yang aku rasa, malah begitu baik memujuk dengan memberikan kata-kata berupa janji manis. laki aku kata dia tahu mak dia macam mana, dan dia tahu betapa besar usaha dan jasa aku nak bantu laki jadi dia paham kalau orang memperlekehkan usaha aku haruslah aku bersedih hihihi. aku bukan nak suruh laki aku menentang emak sendiri, memang jauh sekali tapi tolonglah faham betapa aku bersusah payah setiap hari demi memastikan kelangsungan hidup si ali bun bun tu hahaha. dan perkara jadi besar sebab one after another was said to me, so rasa kecik hati tu sepertinya dah terkumpul menjadi besar. and ada satu perkara besar berlaku, yang melibatkan wrong decision laki aku lantas aku menjadi mangsa, so itu antara penyumbang kepada semakin banyak perkara yang dicakapkan kepada aku sampai aku rasa eh eh dah apehal ni?

hahaha aku rasa korang yang membaca haruslah pening kerana dalam pada konon aku nak meluahkan perasaan, aku masih cuba berahsia agar tiada siapa menghakimi mak mertua ku itu. dia mak yang baik, dan aku menganggap segala apa yang berlaku adalah kerana aku. aku yang super sensitif, akulah menantu yang tak pandai bermain politik dan juga miskin tidak berduit untuk membodek eh eh. hahahaha.

dan lebih malang lagi, anaknya sendiri aka laki aku pun bukanlah insan berduit, malah sangat tidak mendambakan wang ringgit ishhhh tak paham aku orang tak gila duit ni hahahahah. dia lagi sanggup dapat hadiah berupa cuti tanpa rekod daripada mendapat wang tunai sebagai ganjaran perkhidmatan terbaik omg tolonglah bini kau nak shopping dan tiada kedai nak terima memo cuti tanpa rekod tu sebagai metod bayaran hahahahhahahahaha.

ketika aku kemurungan, pengasuh pula menghantar voice message berupa ali menjoyah bersama kain napkin dia (his new besfren) ohhh sungguh berbunga-bunga perasaan aku ini hilang stress hihi. and now i miss my son. minggu ni dia cranky sebab selsema. kitorang baru balik bercuti dari cameron hehehe tapi pasal percutian ni pun ada isu jugak hahahaha me and my never ending issuesssssss.

okaylah, nak sambung kerja. banyak lagi nak menjoyah ni tapi cukuplah serba sedikit luahan perasaan. esok lusa sambung lagi kalau tak busy bahahahhaha. happy weekend uolssss!

bij (read: bitch)

eh semalam konon nak muslimah bagai. hari ni hati meronta-ronta nak mengumpat hahahaha. memang dasar banyak setan dalam badan ni huahuahua.

tempat kerja aku ni memang kuat bersifat keagamaan (sepatutnya). tapi.. lebih banyak setan bertopengkan manusia. eh kadang aku pun tak terkecuali menjadi setan dan harinilah contohnya hahahhahaha.

aku terpaksa beranak awal kerana air ketuban leaking. kau rasa, aku memang mintak ke cemana anak tak cukup bulan? gila ke hapa. benda ni Allah yang decide, bukan aku memandai-mandai. masa aku pregnant, heavily pregnant, bij bos (bukan sahaja big, malah bitch) pesan make sure kerja kena settle before i beranak. i scheduled everything to fit, in fact aku dah clearkan my schedule two weeks earlier kot-kot terberanak awal from due date. so my life was hectic, trying to put everything checked. kelas pun tak miss unless i was hospitalized, siap buat berderet-deret kelas ganti sebab kata bij bos, that's the procedure ko beranak ke apa ke kelas tetap keutamaan. aku rasa kalau time meneran tu aku boleh mengajar lagi, dia tetap nak aku mengajar ke cemana ek hahahahha.

i was exhausted, dengan membawa perut, asyik bleeding keluar masuk hospital lagilah kena ganti all the classes. aku takde mc sehari semata tak larat datang tau. i forced myself to work sebab asyiklah kena lecture nanti makan duit haram yada yada yada bij mode on hahaha. and i didn't complain pun sebab sedar itu tanggungjawab. tapi Allah maha kaya, dia decide maybe that's enough for me maka dia bagi aku beranak awal. it wasn't easy; yelah force labour kot. anak tak ready nak keluar tapi kena paksa. sampai sekarang ada kesan forcep di kepala ali yang each time aku tengok aku rasa sedih sebab dia terpaksa dikeluarkan awal. masuk keluar nicu, aku terpaksa berulang alik sampai bentan, Allah knows how terrible that phase was. tapi tengok muka anak terubat rasa sakit tu betapa nikmatnya Allah aturkan semua ni.

tapi adalah mulut-mulut puaka kat opis yang cakap seperti menyalahkan aku beranak awal. as if it was my choice, my decision. hello, uols nak ke take over kelas i so that aku dapat rehat tak perlu berlari sana sini pulun nak habiskan silibus dalam masa sebulan setengah instead of three months? takde pun kau kurangkan my teaching hours, siap kata takkan aku nak makan gaji buta nanti haram what the hell and now you talk behind my back? like seriously bij, and bij-ches (plural sebab ada setan-setan lain join mengumpat)? you think it was fun to see your baby strapped with tubes and  wires and fed thru tube? suka? babi la kau sekor-sekor makan sumpahan.

jangan nak cakaplah ketuban aku pecah awal sebab aku kerja keras ke sana ke mari pulun kaver silibus kalau kau sendiri yang lambak kerja kat aku tanpa belas ihsan. dan please, doktor pun tak dapat carik punca why aku leaking sebab bukaan memang takda. and pleassssseeee, stop playing god. pantang tok nenek aku la orang berperangai know-it-all ni. 

aku doakan next time ko beranak perit rabak sampai punggung. padan muka. heh.

biskut chipsmore

haa aku la tu hat macam biskut tu hahaha. masuk keja, dapat jam mengajar hambik kau banyak gila haih tak dan nak buat keja merapu haha. masa senggang dihabiskan dengan mengepam ecewah macam lembu ternak dah rasa kahkahkah.

aku beli pam murah je... janji mampu melaksanakan tugas la haha. so far aku happy je dengan pam aku tu. cukuplah mengeluarkan susu untuk ali. ali aku hantar ke nursery. so far aku rasa okay je, walaupun ada few cases dia terbazirkan susu aku huhuhu. entahlah, cerewet sangat pun kelak akan menyusahkan aku semula. janji ali happy, kenyang, tidur cukup, sihat tembun membulat, what else can i ask kan. aku maafkan dan aku redha susu yang terbazir. moga ada rezeki lain untuk ali hihi.

eh entry mak-mak sangat mukadimah dah dok cerita pasal anak hahahaha. aku tengah stress keja.. nak mencarut bab keja macam tak muslimah haih dilemanyaaaaa hahaha. nak shopping, duit tengah saving nak pi cameron next week. cannot waitttt! hahaha. dilema ibu bekerja, sebolehnya nak duduk mengulit anak. tapi apakan daya, ekonomi tak baguih kenalah mak turut membanting tulang hehehe.

rumah baru dah nak siap! we call it our grey house. come lote je rumah.. sesuailah dengan kami yang biasa-biasa ni hahahaha. tengah dok berkira-kira bajet kipas lampu pulak omg mak pokai. haritu beli downlights pun habis almost 500. tu beli yang middle range punya tu. kalau premium macam philips tu, menangis la aku kat sudut bilik tengok balance akaun negatif hahahaha. tapi shopping for ali tetap tak dilupakan hahaha dasar betol. seronok rupanya ada anak haha.

kereta aku rosak ni. rasa macam bertimpa-timpa pulak masalah musibah hahahaha. dengan nak kena renew roadtax and insuran lagi huhuhu apalah nasib. nantilah pikior hihihi. ikutkan hati nak aje aku tukar kereta baru tapi ikut poket mungkin patut beli kereta tolak je hahahahhahahah gilo.

dahlah. baik aku tamatkan entry tidak bertujuan dan tidak berfaedah ini dengan gambar seketol ali.

"mak, ali pening dengar mak membebel"

hahah.

Raya bertiga

Aku menulis thru blogspot app kat hp. So ada komen-komen korang aku tak dapat nak respon/reply. Nanti next week masuk keja hakak nak berbalas komen la haha acah-acah ramai nau komen haaaaa ish.

Tahun ni beraya bersama si ali bam bam. Kecik sangat, aku tak beli pun baju melayu. Anak kuat peluh, sama macam mak haha. So tayahla beria beli baju melayu bagai buat ruam je kang. Ali ni kulit sensitif, sama macam aku. And paling kesian sebab ruam attack muka, bahu and kepala. Tapi dia cool je. Aku yang sedih sobss.

Next week dah masuk keja. Aku baru jumpa taska last week. Ingat nak carik babysitter, nak yang tak jaga ramai budak. Tapi ramai yang tak memenuhi kriteria yang ditetapkan mak yang cerewet ke cemana ek hahaha. Taska yang aku pilih ni berdaftar dengan jkm, and dia dah mula track record vaccine semua. Masa visit haritu, ada baby hingus pekat hijau meleleh. Hadehh runtun jiwa aku nak hantar anak. Tapi apakan daya, kami tak ada pilihan sebab yelah, mana ada mak nak anak berhingus-hingus macam tu kalau boleh kan. Aku cubalah untuk faham huhu.

Aku tak reti lagi uruskan susu ali ni. Risau pun ada huhu. Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan, dan ali terpelihara.

Oh ye, nak ucapkan selamat hari raya to all. Maaf sangat kalau ada ucapan or statement poyo yang tak disenangi hihi mulot hazabedah jugak aku ni kengkadang. Enjoy your raya, people!

How it all happened

8 april, 2016. Right after work, we went to Alamanda for dinner. Though i was extremely tired, but the thought of cuci mata was so irresistable haha. Off we went, and as i was having bad discharge, i couldn't consume anything sweet. My dinner was just plain water and a piece of kfc chicken, and some potato wedges. Nyumsss. Back home, we slept early, not knowing that we were about to meet you soon. As usual i slept with hassle and you were extremely active in my tummy that night.

9 April, 2016. At 2+ am, i felt something strange. A sound came from down under. It wasn't the 'pop' sound, it was more of a crackling sound. Susah nak explain what sound was that haha. And then at around 3 suddenly i felt the urge to pee. As soon as i sat on the toilet bowl, water gushed out, and i thought it was my urine. But damm it was a lot haha. I smelled it, no odour. Cannot be la.. i'm just 34weeks, that was what i said to myself. So i cleaned up, the moment i stepped out from the toilet, another gush happened. A lot i tell youuuu. Basah depan toilet macam banjir. I was panicking, so i grabbed a pad, wore it, and the third gush happened. Took another pad, wore it, and kept thinking ni air ketuban ke apa ek adoiiila lembabnya omak kau ni hahahah.

I lied down, and fourth gush happened, and that was then i decided to wake your dad up. He was so sleepy, so his response was slow, like it was not an emergency at all. I was so worried i would wet the bed, i jumped off it and fell down on the floor haha. Your dad freaked out, tetiba terus alert haha bagus hilang mamai terus haha. He packed my bag, while i was getting ready. Getting ready lah sangat, omak pakai kain batik je hahaha. Changed another pad, and off we went to the hospital. I wet your dad's car seat hahaha macam nak kering dah rasa air ketuban tu.

Sampai hospital, got myself checked, yuppp it was my water, so i was admitted straight away. Thank god there was a bed for me or else i might be asked to get to other hospital. They put me for observation, did vce tapi bukaan cuma 0.5cm haha. The rest you can read here.

So that's your birth story. I didn't get to see you on the day you were born. I was heavily sedated, and i was too weak, and visiting hour was over. Oh, you were admitted to nicu for conginetal pneumonia. You had difficulty breathing few minutes after you were out from me. You did not cry, and you couldn't breathe, i was so sad hearing the news. Rasa helpless sangat. But that didn't weaken me. I didn't cry, i rested well that night so i would have the strength to visit you the next day. Your father didn't take your picture because he said it was heartbreaking to see you with wires and tubes, and he didn't want me to be sad seeing that. Plus, i had my water leaked for days therefore there were risks of infection yada yada yada so they had to put you on antibiotic and observation.

I walked to nicu the next day, entah mana dapat kekuatan nak pergi tengok anak. Wheelchair takde yang available, so pelan-pelan jalan hihi. Sanggup. Demi anak. Masa sampai jumpa doktor, doktor explained your condition, tertelan-telan air liur sebab sedih tapi tak mahu nangis. You were so small, so fair, mata sepet. Seronok dapat sentuh anak mak, you responded by crying. Terkejut kot tangan gemuk muncul tetiba bahaha. Admitted on tuesday, discharged on monday. During your stay, i tried nursing you tapi susahnya ya Allah. Weeks later baru i know why it was so hard for both of us huu.

We brought you back on monday evening, and hospital set an appointment with kk the next day. that night you were restless. You had fever, which was not normal but since tomorrow was your check up, tokma and i took turns to sleep and checked your temperature. Next day, i was asked to take you to the hospital, and you were admitted again for presumed sepsis. You didn't have fever anymore, but your blood tests showed you had an infection. So again antibiotic was on. I would come after lunch and stayed until maghrib. Nursing you, changed your diapers, talking to you though you slept most times haha. You were discharged on sunday evening, after days of quiet nights you are finally home.

We named you muhammad ali. I have long loved the name ali, and so is your father. May you become as strong as muhammad ali, physically and in faith, and may you own the wisdom of khalifah ali r.a, that later would shape you into a good human being. Ingatlah anak ku, manners make a man. So be a man.

You are a premature baby, and you will always be my baby. Dah tua esok pun masih lagi bayi mak selamanya hihi. Mak sayang ali. There are a lot more to tell about our journey, but later it will be. We have gone through things together, mak harap ali kuat for more to come. A lot more is coming, but fret not i will be there for you, always. InsyaAllah.

p/s: renyahnya taip guna hp hahaha.

when you are real.

this is another scheduled entry, which i decide to post after the due date. you may not be able to read now, but perhaps when you are slightly older you would know how things happened, how you were in me once upon a time. i may not have much time to document every single thing, but that's okay. we could save that for our chit chat later. i love you, baby. i already love you though you are so so tiny in me. :)

5 october, 2015.

i decided to start telling about you once you are safe in our hands, or in simple words you are safely born (but we truly aware of to whom you belong to). so here is the story of how it all begins.

we were scared and shocked in the beginning, after knowing that you were inside me. but we welcome you with open hands and hearts, and my maternal instinct started to kick in the moment i saw you on the screen, and i almost cried when i heard your heart beating so fast and so strong. 

i have to admit, i was silly. i was overweight, and all i could think of was to shed off the extra kilos. so i bought slimming pills. it was not advised to take if i am pregnant, so to be sure, on 14 september 2015, i did UPT to confirm. it was negative, and i proceeded with the pills. there were effects - i lost my appetite completely even my favourite food couldn't make me eat, and i was so sick i felt nauseous all the time, and i became a sleepyhead, i could sleep while singing to your father - and i thought those were the effects of that bloody pills. i should be losing weight but i wasn't. little did i know, it was you. that i had already conceived you in my womb.

it was 28 september, the day before your father's birthday. we both took leave from work because i wanted to do pap-smear test at UiTM Selayang. it is far from our home, sweetheart. so your father decided to drive me there, and i was so happy because it was monday and we did not have to go to work like the others. traffic was bad, everything went bad and we were losing sanity already. we went to aeon kepong to have lunch, and to let you father enjoyed himself at the autocar shop or whatever they call it haha. then off we went to uitm.

while waiting, i was asked to fill a form, asking me questions that i thought were very challenging. your father waited for me downstairs, but we texted each other and had fun laughing at our silly jokes. i weighed myself, yet my weight maintained and i was so frustrated. i thought to myself - stupid pills haha silly, i know. still waiting, i almost dozed off on the chair, when my name was called. i was brought to a room, where more questions were asked.

when they asked me when was my last period, i told them it was irregular, i last had my period in july, which i thought was normal. one of the ladies said no, it wasn't, i should get myself checked though i might not be pregnant. i was so sure i wasn't pregnant because i already did the test and it was negative. she then asked me, do i feel strange? i said my boobs are extra big, but it happened each time i am about to get my period. it just didn't come yet. she then told me to do upt again, just to be safe, and she strongly felt i am pregnant. so i did. and guess what? that was how i knew i was pregnant. 

my ears were hot and i am sure they were red too, i was in disbelief. i mean, how could it happen? i didn't cry, because i was puzzled. and it was unexpected. i was there for something else, just to discover something else. but thank god it wasn't cancer hahaha. the appointment was then called off, we couldn't do it because i am pregnant. she advised me to buy a digital upt, so i could be more sure. i laughed all the way going down, your father waited for me in the car because he was sleepy. the moment i went in, he asked me how it was going and i told him i failed. 

he asked me why, and i told him that's because i'm pregnant. he went quiet and he looked worried. not the best response to give, but i took it as a sign he was as shocked as i was. in movies you would see people scream, cry or asking things in disbelief, but let's be realistic. we were so shocked we couldn't tell what's exactly was going on in our mind hahaa. we were stunned, and quiet for a while. it felt like time had stopped for us. OMG rasa tak percaya kauuuuu hahaa.

so, as to be more certain, we went to a mall, got the digital upt - the most expensive upt i've ever bought. i felt funny and sad when we wanted to buy the upt. it was freaking expensive - RM34.90, and your father and i spent some time counting the money we had. i was sad and worried, how could we support and provide for you but i brushed off the thought because i didn't want your father to see me sad. i know your father was worried too but he wouldn't share it with me. i just know him too well. but that didn't stop us from having fun hihi. so we watched a movie, shopped a little then we went home.

i did the test at home, and the small screen stated 3+, meaning that you have been in me for long but we didn't know. that i was sick because it was you telling us you were there. i confirmed my pregnancy the next day, 29 september, it was your father's birthday and you were the gift we both got. i got to see you, so small but the images were blurred, i still felt nothing extraordinary. i felt normal, i didn't feel pregnant despite my bad bad nausea. on saturday, 3 october, it was the first time i could really see your hands, and your feet, and i could hear your heart beating. the pictures were clearer, so that's it, that was how i accepted the news that i am now a mother though you are not born yet. 

you were 7 weeks 5 days, and i felt so sick i wondered how could you torture your mother so bad hahaha. entering 8th week, my nausea subsided and i am a happy woman again. but i cannot eat late, i must eat spicy food, and i love love love chips. like potato chips, nachos. if all this while i love to spray my whole body with perfume - yes i am crazy like that, do accept the fact your mother is insane hahaha, now i would just spray sufficiently, just so i don't make people around me being uncomfortable. 

we only told your tokma and nenek, and we wanted to make it a secret first. but later your father and i decided to tell your father's siblings. on your father's side, there is little pressure because you are not the first one. but on my side, after we lost rayyan - your cousin, cekna's baby, we are afraid to hurt her more. so we have to be a lot more careful, and it doesn't help that cekna is trying so hard to get a baby, but we got you. you will be the first grandchild, so that's a lot of pressure, i'm telling you.

so hang in there, baby. we'll get through this. you can make me as sick as you want, but i'll fight, just as much as you fight to be in my womb though i ate the stupid pills, and many other stupid things i did hahaha. stay strong, baby. your momma is fighting for you. i eat to survive though the thought of eating has made me feel uneasy. but anything for you. i'll update more of your progress, and this entry is going to be so so long, but that's okay. because i want to make everything fits in an entry. it is easier for me to recall. i'm old, my dear. when we get to see each other, i would be a year older. 

may Allah protect us both, and we could be together when the time comes. i love you, baby. i already love you though you are not born yet. be safe in there, everyone is excited to see you. so, till next time, baby. till next time.

22 october, 2015.

you are now 10 weeks, my dear. i have never been this sick. my morning sickness is the worst, you made me sleep in a sitting position and i've been lacking of sleep now hahah. i can't imagine how my third trimester is going to be like since the first is horrible already haha.

on week 9, the doctor found a cyst on the left. she said since it is quite big, she wanted me to check with the specialist. and last two days, it was getting smaller so nothing should be worried. i saw you dancing and kicking happily, alhamdulillah. be safe, dear. don't do anything stupid in there, okay? hahaha.

i already told my siblings last two weeks. as expected, cekna's is the hardest reaction to handle hehe. but i am sure she would love you so much. but i still didn't announce your existence to my colleagues, except for aunty ema and aunty efa. they treated us seafood at bagan lalang as to celebrate. and the day after, my morning sickness started to show its vengeance hahaha. so yeah, thank god we went there earlier.

i have lost 2.5kg to date. your father said he was sad to see me in this condition, but when i vomitted, he pretended to sleep hahaha sabar jelah. your father is the man who doesn't really express his feelings, so tak payahla nak terasa ke hapa hahaha. i just pray this phase passes as soon as possible. in november, we have many events to attend so we will be travelling. in my condition now, may Allah have mercy on me. be good in it, baby. i'll be seeing you again on 26 october. 

till then, be safe. and dance and kick as much as you want. you'll miss the space once you are getting bigger. :)

4 november, 2015.

26 october, they found another cyst on the right this time. so i went to putrajaya again to meet the specialist. and you know what? the cyst is big, and it is on the left pulak. 5cm x 7cm. 3 specialists concluded it's dermoid cyst, so next week, 13/11, i'll be undergoing a laparoscopic surgery to remove it. no wonder you are always on the right. must be hating the tight space shared with the cyst kan? 

doctor said there is a chance of me losing you. i don't know what to feel, honestly. your father said kena redha. i redha sangat. it's just that i feel tired. so tired and i don't want it to be for nothing. but Allah knows best. He knows what is best for me. So my little baby, we will fight together, but if Allah says you are not going to make it, i'm fine don't you worry. you will be in good hands, i know. 

i don't know what will come or be, but for sure i'll not give up fighting. be safe, my dear. and be strong. 

2 december, 2015.

alhamdulillah, the surgery went well, despite the scars it gave me. and alhamdulillah, you are safe for now. doctors did all they could to protect you. i saw you twice, before i was allowed to be back home. at home, i rested well (most of the time lying down) because your father didn't allow me to move that much. all meals were bought by him, all i did was eating and sleeping. but thank god i didn't gain much weight hahaha. i went back to work a week after the surgery. i felt okay, but second week working now, i feel weak again. my nausea never goes away, and i am easily tired. and it doesn't help that my classes are pack, and programs are too many. i wish i can just sleep all day long. are you a boy, my dear? why you make me so lazy? hahaha. i have tons to settle, so till then baby. be safe in me.

23 march, 2015.
i'm 8 month (32 week) pregnant now. you are growing so well, my tummy feels so tight and cramped. my ribcage is expending, it hurts, you know. but that's okay. as long as you stay healthy and safe in me. i keep on bleeding for no reason. we thought we could be losing you but alhamdulillah, you are very strong. macam tak terkesan langsung heheh. since my last update, i have been admitted 3 times for observation, and once because they suspected i had renal stones/appendicitis. it was very very painful. thinking about how painful that was make me more scared to give birth hahaha. it makes me so anxious huhu. i haven't decided where i should give birth, though in my mind putrajaya would be easier since all my records are there. 

all your things are almost ready. nothing fancy, my love. whatever we can afford la ye. bersederhanalah, anakku. kerana bersederhana itu lebih baik. not that we are not excited for your arrival, but there are other things we have to consider. so far you have been so kind to me. i didn't crave anything weird or fancy too. i don't have problems eating. i struggle to sleep but there are days when you let me sleep peacefully, so that's good enough for me. i've always wondered how it would feel to see your tummy moves, but now i got to experience it. is this the fun they always talked about? it surely is because it makes me giggle sebab geli sangat.

you would kick so hard when we watched movies. compared to few movies we watched, you kicked the hardest when we watched deadpool haha. your father wants to watch another war movie, 13 hours but i'm worried it may affect you somehow. but early exposure is good, eh? batman vs superman is out tomorrow. that's another movie we will be watching, so just enjoy the sound k baby? 

we still keep your gender as a secret. there are many many things you need to consider in this life, my love. we are taking very careful steps in exposing details about you. not because we are not excited, but there are hearts to care, including ours. but we have picked your name long before we know your gender. nothing fancy, again. we wanted something traditional, and can be pronounced well by anyone in the world. so your name is very universal, and to some people can be controversial as well. but whatever it is my love, manners make a man. 

i didn't tell much about my pregnancy journey on my blog, or on my ig. am i taking care of others' hearts too much, my love? but that's just your mother. i don't like to expose things that i know may be sensitive to others. let the happiness be between your dad and i. there are things i'm not happy with, like how others, including relatives say insensitive things to me though i'm trying my very best to be considerate, but i know there's nothing much i can do about it. biarlah Allah yang jaga kita, anakku. kita jaga niat kita, perbuatan kita dan selebihnya let Him decides what is best for us. 

i can't wait to see you. but at the same time i wish i would have all the time to settle things. if i manage to finish my master, tok wan will be taking us to perth, you know? i'm dreaming of seeing you run at king's park. let's do this together ye anakku. till then, be safe my love. senget-senget perut ibu awak somersault kat dalam, but that's pure happiness nothing else. it means you are alive and doing okay hihi.

p/s: your femur length is longer that you GA. is that a sign you are having your father's trait?

postpartum blues.

pantang berbaki seminggu lagi. well, honestly aku tidaklah begitu berpantang. mana yang basic jelah aku buat. dok sorang pun, bertemankan laki je. parents in law and mak aku dekat je, but for many reasons aku decide nak berpantang sendiri di rumah. first week, i stayed at my parents in law's house, sebab masih baru sangat nak naik turun tangga apartment. baby at nicu, so hari-hari akan pergi jenguk. parents in law takde, so laki aku yang jaga. mujur dia cuti seminggu.

lepas baby dapat keluar, which was a week after he was born, my mother came. she stayed with us for two weeks, but again, baby admitted second time to nicu, so the first week tu baby takda so tak rasa meriah sangat sebab sunyi tanpa tangisan bayi. i spent my day pumping and sleeping. tengahari je pergi hospital, malam baru balik. dah beranak almost tiga minggu baru aku berurut. memang sedap walaupun sakit nak mampus hahaha. 

tapi sebenarnya first week tu aku bentan sampai demam-demam, asal menjelang asar je akan start panas dalam badan dan menggigil-gigil lepas tu sakit nak mampus dekat ari-ari. tapi aku gagahkan jugak, buat-buat cool macam tak sakit sebab nak tengok anak. kalau buat-buat lemah nanti laki aku tak bagi pergi hospital haha. ada satu hari tu tak tahan sangat, menggagau carik tukang urut yang available, yang boleh datang sendiri sebab tukang urut aku book tu kena amik and hantar dia balik, which leceh la jugak hahaha. nasib jumpa, and berurutlah aku dari jam 10 sampai 1 pagi. malam tu buat pertama kalinya aku tidur lena tanpa terjaga. Allah, memang nikmat sangat sebab since pregnant memang tak pernah cukup tidur hihi.

perihal aku nak beranak ni macam huru hara jugak. laki aku sampai sekarang urat punggung masih tergeliat sebab lama sangat drive ke hulu ke hilir ulang alik sepital tengok bini, antar bini segala macam ahaha. aku tolong urut pun gagal jugak nak betulkan, takkan nak suruh tukang urut aku urut bontot dia pulak? haha memang mintak kena pijak dengan aku tu sampai urat tu elok balik hahaha.

aku patut baca journal, but as always ada je distractionsssss haihh. badan sakit ni sebab position masa menyusu tak betul. nantilah aku cerita pasal breastfeeding ni. banyakkkkk sangat Allah berikan aku dugaan untuk aku belajar macam-macam benda baru. and surprisingly, semua masalah tu bila aku google tak ramai pulak rakyat malaysia yang blog about it. 

nantilah. yang aku nak share ni macam melibatkan emosi sikit. bila dah tenang nanti aku tulis. till then, tadaaa.

eh lepas tu tengok tajuk entry, eh apa kaitan dengan postpartum blues ni ahahaha. well, aku tak ada masalah duduk rumah. cuma lately ni makin nak ke hujung macam arghhh bosannya tak ada sapa nak borak. laki aku balik tengahari mesti nak rehat, nak nap sebab malam pun tidur tak cukup. takkan nak kacau. aku selalunya akan tidur lepas dia pi opis. so tidurku cukup je cuma takdela lama macam zaman berdua hahaha. malam pulak, dia akan tertidur awal, aku masih dok berdendang sayang nak tidurkan anak haha. mungkin orang kata apalah laki dia tak teman, tapi honestlylaaaa bagi aku baik dia tidur sebab anak tetap tak nak dia pun, nak mengempeng dengan aku jugak haha. daripada aku dok tengok dia galak main hp lepas tu tersengih-sengih sorang-sorang lagi membara hati akakkk ni tau haha. padahal tersengih sebab main 9gag, aku dok pikiaq tah apa plak hahaha bongok betul emosi ibu beranak satu ni.

so yeah, pentingnya manusia untuk bercakap. aku sekarang dah pandai baby talk. dulu tak reti. siap dah pandai berlagu-lagu menyanyi hahahah well, babies make us do stupid things to calm them down.

sekarang nah rasakan, akulah mak yang comot dok menyanyi sambil berjoget untuk tenangkan anak. dan ye, bila basuh berak jugak ada lagu khas. hurmm i should consider being a composer hahahaha.

ok anak dah nanges. bai.

welcome to the world, my dear.

this is a scheduled entry. the moment this entry is posted, you may have arrived to this world. 15/05/2016, is the due date given to me by the doctor.

welcome, my dear. life is gonna be tough, it's not gonna be easy but we never leave you alone. ecewah omputeh sangat.

semoga kamu menjadi anak yang baik. susahnya mak mengandung mabuk teruk, beranak semua.. kalau kamu menjawab, bentak-bentak kaki, hempas pintu, mak bentes kaki kamu okay hahaha. samsengnya mak kamu ni haha.

mak dengan ayah kamu kawan dah lama. kitorang geng. kalau kamu behave, tak banyak cengkadak kamu boleh join kitorang. kalau tak, babai la kamu duduk rumah je dengan tok ma ke dengan nenek haha. kitorang tak suka geng cengeng okay. semak otak asyik nangis je. nak jadi geng kena cool, emosi terkawal. entah kamu faham ke tak sebab kamu ni bayi lagi, mana reti hapa pun. 

nanti nak tengok ayah kamu nak ke tak basuh berak kamu tu. mak nak buat-buat tido. silap-silap ayah kamu pun buat-buat tido, jenuhlah kamu bergelumang dengan poop sendiri hahaha. kamu jangan banyak songeh tau. mak nak sambung belajar lagi. nanti ayah kamu pulak nak sambung katanya. kita support je ayah kamu tu tau. mesti kena bagi semangat sebab sambung belajar sambil kerja ni susah huuuu.

kalau kamu boy, mak harap bior le tinggi macam ayah kamu. lelaki kalau kemetot macam tak best je hahaha. pompuan takpe, comel je kalau katik. eh janji kamu sihat la ye. kalau kamu boy, ayah kamu panggil kamu aboo. kalau girl, ayah kamu kata jameela. mak suka nama abdullah haq. kalau omputeh panggil, hulk. poyo betul bahahaha.

kalau tak pandai takpe. tapi jangan biadap kurang adab ye anakku. kalau pandai lagi bagus hahaha. ingat, kalau kamu biadap mak akan bagi jelingan maut berserta cubitan semut api. nahhh rasakan kamu. ni tokma ajar hahaha. 

mak baru first time jadi mak. kamu pun baru first time jadi anak, kan? haha soalan apa ni. tapi mak nak cakap, sesamalah kita belajar ye. kalau mak lambat bagi susu, jangan kamu buat perangai kena dera ke hapa. hendaklah kamu bersabar dengan mak dan ayah kamu. dan begitulah juga bila kamu buat perangai, terpaksalah kami bersabar dengan kamu.

you scratch my back, i scratch your back. ayah kamu tu pepandailah dia nak beli penggaruk ke hapa hahahaha. ayah kamu kelakar orangnya. mak berganda lebih kelakar haha seronoknya puji diri sendiri. nanti kalau kamu baca ni, kamu mesti kata hek eleh anaknya lebih kelakar. ketahuilah, perangai suka memuji diri ini adalah bersifat keturunan, wahai anakku hahahaha.

dah, mak nak buat kerja. sejak mengandungkan kamu, mak jadi pemalas. harap kamu tak semalas ini. kalau malas jugak, ayah kamulah yang akan dipersalahkan haha tetiba je.

bye anakku. meh nak gusti sikit hikss.

susah ke jadi mak?

susah sebab constantly susah hati fikir anak.

takut tersedak.

takut tak cukup susu.

ni panas sangat ke?

ke sejuk sangat?

patut pakai selimut ke tak?

betul ke macam ni?

ke kena macam ni?

eh ke macam ni lagi ok?

hahaha.

rasakan sekarang. tak cukup tidur, buah dada sakit bagai dicabul hahahahaha. anakku penyonyot tegar. suka sangat with my boobs. macam ubat penenang. macam dadah. 

yang maknya dah macam penagih dadah haha. mata bengkak tak cukup tidur but i enjoy every second being a mother. esok dah sebulan usia anak. cepatnya masa berlalu. so many things to write about our journey. 

anak i admitted nicu twice you know... and both were without me. hospital putrajaya tak boleh room in. kesannya anakku semacam sedih aje bila tidur malam. selalu menangis dalam tidur. semacam trauma. nantilah cerita hihi.

beranak tu sakit. normal ke czer ke masih sakit. tapi semangat kena kental bila jadi mak. hari-hari berulang ke nicu, nak susukan anak. anak tak reti latching, mak sanggup lukakan puting janji anak makan.  sanggup duduk di lantai surau yang sejuk untuk mengepam, supaya anak tak kelaparan. teruskan berjalan walaupun bentan, sakitnya tuhan je yang tahu. demi anak. kasihnya mak. sekarang dah jadi mak baru faham. patutlah bila anak menjawab mak-mak boleh luruh airmata. tak ada sakit yang lebih teruk daripada melihat anak biadap dengan kita. ishh.

i am still adapting. setiap hari adalah hari untuk terus belajar menjadi emak. no manuals can help, the only way is to go through it, and getting to know and understand each other. cara ni tak okay, buat cara lain sampai okay.

susah. tapi puas. :)

Alhamdulillah.

I am officially a mother now. Selamat beranak 12 april, 2016. Thanks to those yang mendoakan. Kami anak beranak alhamdulillah selamat. Baby masih di nicu sebab masih on antibiotik.

It was a tough journey. Since kandungan dianggap premature, doktor cuba nak cukupkan 35weeks, walaupun it meant cuma sehari je lagi. Tapi 35weeks meant it was on sunday, ramai doktor takde especially specialists. So they put me under observation and decided to start inducing process first thing in the morning on monday. First dose, after 6hours still no progress. Second dose was inserted, and after 6hours, another disappointment which zero os, and baby wasn't engaged. I was worried because it had been day 4 of my leaking problem, and it leaked continuously in a big amount. So when the doctor gave me two options - 3rd dose or opt for czer, i chose the latter.

Thing is, i was already in pain. Adding more dose heightened the risk of uterus rupture, and it also means the pain will double. Lepas tu kalau takde bukaan or still tak engage, kena operate pulak haha dah macam double the pain, and the waiting game was killing me because i was sickly worried. So takpelah, among the sacrifice i made for my unborn child. Zasss kita kasi potong!

Masuk ot, dengan contraction memang tak fun langsung. Boleh pulak time tu technician nak tukar lampu kat ot so lama gila la aku tunggu haha. Masuk je ot terus shaking macam hapa, lepas bius it was getting worse. I was trembling like crazy throughout the process, i couldn't focus on the arrival of my baby. What i knew was baby was out, but he wasn't immediately crying. Nak keluarkan baby pun pakai forcep, they seemed struggling macam baby sangkut cemana tah. Orang kata gegar-gegar perut. Ni bukan setakat gegar doktor memang korek perut sampai senak, sampai doktor kata eh susahnya huhu.

Dan nak jadi cerita, masa nak closing, i could suddenly feel apa diorang tengah buat. Macam sakit gila. Eh bukan ada bius ke? Rupanya bius tetiba membuat keputusan untuk menamatkan perkhidmatan maka tergodanglah aku menahan kesakitan dilapah hidup-hidup. Tak tahan, and i was panicking sebab the pain was untolerable, siap pakej muntah 2 kali, last-last diorang tidokan aku cissss dah dua kali kena bius. Aku kalau terlalu sakit memang akan muntah aneh eh? Hehehe.

Begitula serba sedikit perjalanan mengeluarkan seketul anak dari dalam perut. Tak berniat nak mengguris hati mana-mana pihak. Aku cuma nak cerita sakitnya nak mampusssss hahahaha terus tobat cakap kat laki cukuplah seketol saje. Konon nak tiga.. Sudah aku hapuskan cita-cita tersebut hahahahaha.

Baby boy, berat 2.4kg, panjang 47cm. Cukup sempurna masyaAllah alhamdulillah. Terima kasih, ya Allah untuk pinjaman yang sangat bernilai. Macam tak percaya nilah seketol anak manusia yang aku bawa dalam perut.

Talking about perut, bila perut nak kempis ni? Hahaha.

We can only plan

Uols, air ketuban aku bocoq at 34 weeks 6 days, which happened this morning at 3am. And with that, i'll be induced this Monday if there's no problem with me and the baby. If there's any problem, emergency czer it is.

Doakan aku panjang nyawa, baby survive ye. Baby dikira premature, aku doa sangat dia tak perlu duk dalam incubator. Berat last scan 2.6kg. But nicu tu dah pasti la sebab dia kena diberi antibiotik sebagai langkah berjaga-jaga. Aduhai anak sabarlah sayang. Allah menduga kita, tapi kita mesti sabar.. Dan kepada Allah kita menggantung harap.

Aku banyak dosa, aku doa sungguh-sungguh aku masih ada peluang untuk berubah jadi hamba yang lebih baik. Aku mintak maaf kalau selama korang dok baca aku merapu, aku ada dok buat loqlaq cakap lebih kurang tercarutsss ke buat uols kecik hati ka. Maaf sangat-sangat, dan harap uols bermurah hati sudi nak doakan kami anak beranak.

Semoga baik-baik sahaja. Ya Allah, a mother i'm gonna be. Macam tak percaya baq hanggggg.

Huarghh.

Tak boleh tidur sebab badan sakit-sakit, lepas tu asyik sesak nafas bila baring. Lepas tu cranky sebab mengantuk tapi tak dapat posisi yang sesuai dan selesa. Doktor kata memang ubatnya beranak je omg lama lagi niiii haha.

Semalam lepak dinner dengan abang ipar aku. Dapat perkhabaran one of our friends, membuyong macam aku jugak. Tapi dia one week ahead dari aku. Aku tahu dia memang dah lama trying to conceive, tapi ada masalah. But Allah is the greatest, dalam kondisi tiub fallopio dia bermasalah, lekat jugak.

Tapi Allah maha kaya, khabarnya baby dia bermasalah. Mungkin tak survive bila dilahirkan sebab lungs and brain tak well develop. Allah. Sedihnya.. Begitu sekali dia diuji. Aku salu envy dengan dia sebab orangnya cantik, bijak pandai sangat, dan orang ada-ada. Tapi lumrah menjadi hamba Allah, hidup pasti akan ada ujian dan dugaan.

Abang ipar aku cerita, masa dia bukak cerita dekat abang ipar aku tu, setitis airmata pun tak keluar. Tenang je dia bercakap. Sebab dia kata dia dah puas menangis, and dia dah redha. Kuatnya dia huhuhuuu. Dia tak siapkan apa-apa pun, cuma beli baju je untuk sambut baby. Abang ipar aku sangat sedih lantas beliau mengajak kawan kami tu pi shopping. Let it be a joyous moment when the baby arrives, he said. Selebihnya, hidup atau mati hanya Allah yang tahu, Dia yang menentukan.

Tu lah. Aku cuma nak cakap, sentiasa bersyukur despite waktu tu kau rasa itulah saat paling kelam dalam hidup kau. Sebab kat luar sana, ramai lagi yang turut diuji, tapi tak mengeluh. Redha, sabar, dan berserah.

So aku redha sangat tak dapat tidur ni ha. Duduklah main-main dalam perut ni sampai senget-senget dibuatnya, sakit-sakit rusuk, janji awak sihat bahagia dalam tu ye. Semoga ada bahagian yang baik-baik untuk aku nanti berkat bersabar wuuuu.