a concoction.

i am supposed to read more on academic stuff, but here i am browsing through personal writings - on weddings, pregnancy, travelling and such. 

how i wish to have them all. but we all know it would be ridiculous to do everything at the same time. wedding, pregnancy, travelling need money. and by reading academic materials i could own more money to support my desire.

sometimes, i have this kind of feeling that if only i didn't decide to settle down too soon, i might be able to enjoy what my other acquaintances have done. at this age, they have travelled at least to a country they love. but truthfully, it's not the matter of me settling down early. love has nothing to do with it. it was me. i begin to love travelling more than just within malaysia, a bit later than them, i supposed. i long to visit the world - but have never particularly chosen a country to begin with.

people said that small steps lead to bigger ones. now i'm full of regret that in my younger days, i never dreamt big.  i was easily satisfied. as my world gets bigger, i meet more people and i hear more stories of lives. and i start to want more. i listen enviously, hoping that i was in their shoes.

when looking at their photos, i feel so happy for them yet at the same time i pity myself for not being able to do so many things. it is me to blame, not love. even if i'm single and not available now, i have no friends at all. i would definitely going places alone, and taking pictures of stuff but not my self.

how pitiful is that? is being choosy is pathetic?

i don't know how to keep friends beside me. i get easily annoyed, and sometimes i feel like ladies talks are boring. and ladies are super sensitive. i am a lady, and of course i am sensitive too so i guess putting sensitive ladies in a room will make a situation becomes ugly.

as the title proposed, this entry is a mixture of every feelings i have. i'm not able to identify how exactly i feel now. a friend came and stayed over the weekend, and i'm back alone now - it's so depressing. so i realize having someone helps to keep my sanity.

i'm praying hard that the day will come sooner than i realize; but then i stop when i think if i wish time flies fast, that means my research is also involved. since i'm not looking forward for it at this hour, haih life is so confusing.

i don't even know what i really want at this moment of writing. maybe i should begin with sorting out my priority, making a to-do list, and accomplishing it accordingly.

but that can wait for tomorrow. tonight, i just want to pamper myself and give in to my sombreness. ohhh i'm so succumbed with my self-centered issue again. hehhh what a sheeet lahhh.

one thing for sure, it's not love that holds me back. i hold myself for so long - i should have dream more and bigger. and let's begin with this: i wanna get married. finish my MA. travel around the world. and then we'll be having a little family to be called as our own.

how's that? and what's yours?