hellloooooo there.

i've been on hiatus for a week and more i guess. i mean, from the gym. i was so busy with final exam, although it was just a paper but still, it means my life yaa knawwww hihihi. so today i'm back. i had so much fun i feel so alive now - despite the nausea. yeah, at first i would have a terrible migraine each time i finished. now since i'm used to working out (i think), it subsides and replaced by nausea. heh.

but that doesn't stop me. i challenged myself to run for five minutes and i did it! hooorayyyy! satu pencapaian yang membanggakan buat si montok yang baru jalan kejap dah mengah tercungap-cungap, hokayyy. clap clap clappppp. i feel so excited heh terlebih gula ke apa ni bahahahaa.

on the other hand, i am still sad to know he doesn't read my writings here. i don't know. i'm supposed to be happy as no one would know what exactly i'm rambling about but that's the point - i just miss him reading it hihihi stupid ho? i just wish i could have someone i can talk to about anything. i know this is a great place to do so; but being a human i wish to have interactions. not just one sided - no response. is this pathetic to you?

whatever.

i have so many things to do, and i'm so fired up. i guess i'm always so semangat but nanti turun naik turun naik semangat aku ikut mood. so gedixxxxx. today, i had my dinner with my ex students. i taught them when they were fresh, they were in semester one - and i was new as well. new to the place, i mean.

and sometimes, i surprised my self listening to how mature i've become. we talked about relationships, what it means to us, what kind of ideal men we're looking for. we're that close, you know. i love hanging out and be stupid with them bahahaha. one of them said, she's looking for a rich guy. 

i laughed, and they asked me why. they planned to find a man when they work - which means by that most of the men are taken - trust me. in my workplace, you are blessed if you can find a single man, and double blessed if you can find a single man to be interested in you. all are taken up. so i asked them back - how can you possibly find a rich guy who are young, and single?

the answer is almost impossible. unless they are born in a golden cage - if you get what i mean. even so, most likely that they will appreciate you more is so hard to happen. because you contribute nothing to their wealth. you are there just to finish it off. that's how they see you. most of the time, that's how it works.

they were upset but agreeing to some point. and one asked, 'so how miss? i don't want to live susah-susah'. 

nothing is easy. as much as you don't want to hidup susah, so is anyone else. aku pun dah muak hidup susah. sebab tu aim aku nak ada financial freedom. aku nak berkemampuan berbelanja seribu seminggu, dan masih ada balance dalam akaun bank. i want to spend without worrying how much is left in the account. it's so tiring to be constantly worried. people have no idea how i wish not to worry - they said i should chill out a bit. but how can i keep calm when everything i do needs money? living means money. i pay everything myself. can you imagine how much is that? 

but that doesn't mean i should count on other people. i can't rely on someone else. that's just not me. i told them, find your guy - work on the wealth together. so what if he's not rich? support him to work hard and be rich together.

my advice: find a guy yang rajin berusaha dan sayangkan kau adalah lebih baik daripada kau cari lelaki kaya. lelaki yang bermaruah dan sayangkan kau - pasti akan berusaha kuat untuk menyenangkan hidup bersama.

find a man with big dreams. and big effort. jangan hanya angan-angan mak jenin. dan mesti yang ada semangat. mesti bersemangat macam aku bahahahahhaa. aku sangat bersemangat, okay. dulu bf aku pernah gelar aku 'kakak semangat' hahahaa seeee everyone knows aku camtu.

i find it problematic bila ada partner yang tak sesemangat aku. seriously, it's an issue. especially bila kau rasa dia dah giving up. bila kau yang dia kenal sangat pasti apa dia nak, and very well determined to go for what he wants - one day bila he is no longer the same kau tertanya-tanya what have you not done to make him bersemangat macam dulu?

i keep on asking myself, if it's my fault too. i notice that people change after they have gone through bad moments in their life. well, aku pun sama. too many cuts and bruises, i tell you. scars, deep, healed, semua ada. ada yang dah sealed but then tore open back tapi apa boleh buat? that's life. but some people they bounce back and pass by it with pride. to some who are unfortunate, they are just carried away.

so which one are you? i know i'm the bouncy type. cuma kadang-kadang aku jadi letih berseorangan bersemangat tentang kehidupan, tentang mencapai angan-angan dan impian. haih this is supposed to be a happy entry, how happy i am to be able to run for five minutes, but it ends up to sound so sad and pathetic.

i think i have an unresolved issue within me. and i don't even know how to fix it as i always do. Allah, berikan aku kesabaran setinggi gunung, jiwa dan hati yang kental. permudahkanlah urusanku sepertimana telah Kau permudahkan selama ini.

ya Allah, adakah aku terlalu meminta-minta?